OKAY, YOU WIN TODAY.

Sad. Sad. Sad.

2009-04-20T07:06:00.000-07:00

Gawd, the world sucks. Did you hear the latest on this Slumdog Millionaire child star? While the flick made a gazillion dollars around the world, received Oscars galore, and drew attention to the slums of Mumbai, it is sad to say that the children of this movie just can't catch a break in life.

Over the weekend, we learned that the father of Rubina Ali has put his daughter up for sale/adoption at the whopping price of 200,000 pounds! The optimistic side of me wants to believe that he's making the ultimate sacrifice for his daughter ... giving her up so that she can actually have a real fighting chance of getting out of the slums. The cynical -- and sometimes more realistic -- side of me knows that while she may find a decent family because of her notoriety, there are tens of thousands of other little girls who are trafficked every day as sex slaves and that when the media stops following her story, she may also fall victim to this modern day slavery.

I don't know what to make of this, but the media is portraying papa as a sleazy selfish dude who finally found his meal ticket. Just sad and depressing all around at whatever angle you take it. Depressing that there is such extreme poverty and suffering in the world where a father has to give up his daughter. Depressing that there is a father who would be willing to sell his flesh and blood to the highest bidder, knowing that her future may be one of slavery and rape. Depressing that there exists sickos in the world who keep the sex trafficking of children alive and well in 2009.

Yep, the world sure does suck.

Can Something Dirty Ever Be Healthy?

2009-04-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

Ever since watching dirty rice be prepared on The Food Network on both Home Cooking with the Neelys and Paula Deen, I've been really craving southern and cajun/creole cooking. After the pimple on the lip from excessive fried chicken eating (I haven't used my deep fryer since), I thought it was probably a good idea to maybe try to be a little smarter in my food choices. Broke and unemployed means I don't have the luxury of buying new clothes so I better try to fit in the clothes I do have! And since my Friday night consisted of me, myself, and I, it seemed like a good time as any to experiment in creating a healthier-yet-tasty version of dirty rice.

Traditional dirty rice is prepared with pork sausage and chicken liver with the holy trinity of veggies in New Orleans cooking -- bell pepper, celery, and onion -- and sometimes all cooked in bacon fat. Mix in a couple cups of white rice, a small pat of butter, salt and pepper to taste and garnish with chopped parsley. Simple and really yummy. I could eat this all the time!! But, I was trying to avoid eating too much white rice, pork sausage tends to be way fatty, and bacon fat is deadly. And what to do with the chicken liver? While I love eating pate, I've never cooked chicken liver before and wasn't ready to dump a whole lotta food if I didn't like it.

I ended up substituting in cajun chicken sausage and ground chicken in lieu of the pork sausage and liver, and went with brown rice cooked in chicken broth to substitute for the white rice. To cut calories, I cooked my veggies in olive oil instead of the bacon drippings. I also eliminated the addition of the butter at the end to cut additional calories ... while the butter adds subtle flavor and gloss, it won't make or break your dish. To add extra flavor and heat, I figure it couldn't ever be wrong to add cayene pepper to a New Orleans dish. The end result? DELICIOUS! It was definitely missing the distinct flavor of the chicken liver, but I didn't mind. Plus, the brown rice upped the nutrition value since its so packed with fiber and I wasn't consuming extra fat from the bacon grease.

You know, a few years ago, I would never be caught home on a Friday night in LA, but these days getting dirty on Friday night alone actually wasn't so bad. AACK! Did I just say that?!? Maybe today is the day I get an extra pair of stretchy pants and look for that bird ...

Goodbye Solo ... eh.

2009-04-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

A couple of nights ago, the Do-Gooder and I went on a movie date to check out Goodbye Solo at Sunset 5 Laemmle.

I think I've either outgrown these indie flicks where I have to sit around and come up with my own theories and interpretations, or I've really gotten that lazy where I don't even want to use my brain to analyze themes in a film. Probably the latter -- fart jokes and an explosion with a gratuitous boob flash is all I'm capable of these days.

The movie is about the unlikely friendship between a Senegalese cab driver and a crabby persnickety old Southern white man, each of whom appear to be at the crossroads of their lives. In case you ever watch it, I won't give away the details but I do have one piece of advice. If you're feeling sort of down or maybe lost in life, do not -- I repeat DO NOT -- go watch this film. Just a one way train of depression.

Harry Potter!

2009-04-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

I just saw the latest trailer of the new Harry Potter movie on E! and Pink Is The New Blog and ... IT LOOKS GREAT! But, I am a geeky fan so, truth be told, I'd probably watch it even if it looked crappy.

Wooing, good thing you're back in LA so that you can accompany me and your hubby to the midnight showing on opening night. You know you loved it last time, and didn't it feel good to stay relevant and be able to converse about the movie with your co-workers the next morning? Granted, we don't have co-workers anymore ... but at least we can still try to be hip like the kids these days.

Even POTUS Pays His Fair Share.

2009-04-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

The internet has been buzzing about the Obama tax returns, and looks like even the President could not evade the IRS. The Obamas paid a whopping $855,323 in federal income tax ... yowzers. They did pull in about $2.6 million so I guess its all relative, but just the number of $850K in taxes was kind of shocking.

To see the charitable donations the Obama family made, read the full article at HuffPo here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/15/obama-tax-returns-for-200_n_187420.html

Maynard!

2009-04-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

Look at this precious gem! The arrival of a new dog in the White House made me yearn for a furry animal again, which led into a 3 hour search online for dog adoptions, and finally to Maynard.

Isn't she precious? You can find her and other lovable dogs at www.perfectpetrescue.com!

Anderson Cooper Knows About Tea Bagging!

2009-04-15T17:22:00.000-07:00

Aw, this is why I love this man ... how many people do you know can say tea bagging on national television and still sound kind of professional?

To Watch Or Not To Watch.

2009-04-15T16:43:00.000-07:00

NOOOOOO!!! Oh my gawd ... Octomom is getting a reality show or what she calls "a documentary" of her children. Why watch Octomom when we already have the Duggars and Jon & Kate Plus 8?

The Lessons Of Sex And The City

2009-04-15T15:54:00.001-07:00

I discovered that Time Warner cable has finally done something good for me, and I may now forgive them for all their past wrongs against me, particularly for the cable guy that took 6 months to come.

Why the sense of forgiveness? The "On Demand" function has an HBO On Demand channel where I can watch all the old episodes of Sex And The City whenever I want! And man, are those episodes more relevant to my life than ever before.

I've turned into a 30-something single gal with my profession in shambles and totally lost in love. I have a group of great friends who are moving forward in their lives, our friendships are inevitably changing, and I'm feeling somehow left behind in the single girl world of loserdome without house, husband, or child ... not even a furry animal to take comfort in.

But I do have Sex And The City! The best lesson? If I'm 35 and still alone, I'm totally registering for shoes ... really great Christian Louboutin shoes ... lots of them. And maybe some spas. And maybe a "honeymoon" fund so I can celebrate love for myself while on an African safari in Zimbabwe.

Lollipop Heads On 90210. Gross.

2009-04-14T21:14:00.000-07:00

When the 90210 second generation came out, they got a whole lot of shizz for their apparent support for anorexics united. Seriously! The girls on this show are WAY underweight and are that type of gross skinny where your head looks too big for your body ... you know, lollipop heads.

Anyway, tonight welcomed the return of Tori Spelling ... YES! DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!!! But, she looked weird and I couldn't watch the show. She stood next to Silver, her half-sister-in-law on the show (remember, Kelly Taylor's mom married David Silver's dad and produced a baby?) and it was like watching adult women with prepubescent girl bodies ... ick. Even Spelling's weird fake boobs looked flat! I'm pretty sure when your big fake boobies no longer look fake or big because of some extreme weight loss, its time to eat a burger.

Lindsay Lohan on eHarmony?!?

2009-04-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

Amidst all the rumors of boozing, restraining orders, and all around cuckoo stalker behavior, Lindsay Lohan made a response video on Funny or Die ... she still looks off-balanced and like she's about to cut someone, but at least she can joke about the pending relapse/breakdown.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Is Stringer Bell Worth $12?

2009-04-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

So, my ultimate dream guy Stringer Bell (real name Idris Elba) from the best show ever seen on television, The Wire, (well, aside from Quantum Leap) is in a new movie with Beyonce and Ali Larter called "Obsessed" which is coming out in the next couple of weeks. Check out the trailer below:

Yes, we're talking about what looks to be a major craptastic movie. And on top of it, looks like Stringer has shaved his goatee off and now kinda looks funny ... more corporate and less drug dealer. Not sure if I like this new look. And, lest you have already forgotten, I am broke and unemployed so not sure if I want to spend my 20 duckets on a snoozer like this when I can eat for a week.

Alright, who am I kidding?? I'm TOTALLY going to watch it with Happy Blind Bat, who is a great movie date except for the fact that she hates eating my dry, butter-free popcorn. It has now become tradition for me to order it, and for her to eat a handful so that she can complain about how dry the popcorn is. It ain't a movie without popcorn folks!

Chris Brown Finds New Victim ...

2009-04-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

Yowzers. The blogosphere is reporting that Chris Brown has found a new girlfriend, or as some cynics would say (including me), a new girl to lash out at. Oddly enough, the new girlfriend is allegedly Natalie Mejia, the dumb Latina chick from the reality-show-turned-pop-group Girlicious. You know, the one who made this insightful observation: "Beauty is a talent." And, because it is too good to miss, here's a refresher ...

Yeah, clearly she's not the brightest chick around ... as evidenced by her choice of boyfriends. But even dumb arrogant chicks like Natalie don't deserve an ass whooping from their boyfriends, so in feminine solidarity, I hope someone in the Girlicious camp puts an end to this shenanigan soon.

Wee-Wee Pads In The White House?

2009-04-13T20:22:00.000-07:00

The First Puppy! The cutie patootie's name is Bo, named after Bo Diddley and Michelle Obama's late father whose nickname was Diddley.

Bo's no Maynard but super cute nevertheless.

When do you think we can expect to hear about a puppy accident in the Oval Office?

Be A Part Of The Phenomenon!

2009-04-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

If you haven't already heard, this lady Susan Boyle is going to be a phenomenon. I first saw her on Sunday morning after catching the clip on Perez Hilton, and at that time, she only had a few thousand hits on YouTube. Today? Over 1.7 MILLION HITS!!

All the judges and the entire crowd sitting in Britain's Got Talent wrote her off as a total loser because she's kinda weird looking, unemployed, older, and lives with her cat Pebbles. I also was expecting a really terrible performance, especially when she said she was gonna sing I Dreamed A Dream from Les Miserables. Good luck with that, lady ... its a rare breed who can pull off that song.

But then she sang this, and it became crystal clear that she was in fact a rare breed:

Susan Boyle Sings on Britain's Got Talent 2009 Episode 1 @ Yahoo! Video

AMAZING. AMAZING. AMAZING. I was mad boo-hooing at the end of this. I love a good underdog story and I really hope she wins the competition!!

For the full video with Susan's background and full judge's comments, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY.

Pet Peeve of the Day.

2009-04-09T14:09:00.000-07:00

Aside from toothpaste residue in the sink, my biggest pet peeve ever is when someone mispronounces my last name AFTER I've already told them the correct pronunciation of it. Why do people do this? Like they know better than I do how to pronounce my name ... right, because I've only had it ALL MY EFFIN LIFE.

Here's the convo that went down at the Jiffy Lube at the corner of La Brea & Melrose:

Jiffy Lube: What's your first and last name?
Me: Its blah blah blah Winner ... and then I spell it for him
Jiffy Lube: Oh, you mean blah blah blah (mispronouncing name)
Me: NO sir, I mean blah blah Winner and then I continue to pronounce it correctly again
Jiffy Lube: Really? Its not blah blah (mispronouncing name again)
Me: Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure I know how to pronounce my name. YOU might want to learn how to pronounce it.
Jiffy Lube: Sure, thanks Ms. Winner (mispronouncing name again)

I'm probably more annoyed than I should be, probably because I read this awful article about this congress lady from Texas, Betty Brown (that's real original), who thinks Asians should change their name to something more convenient for poll workers. Yes, that's for real. And yes, this is 2009. Check it out here: http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/6365320.html

The Sanctity Of Marriage ... Is CRAP.

2009-04-08T14:46:00.000-07:00

Now that gay marriage has become a hot topic given the latest state laws officially recognizing gay marriages, the cuckoos are out in full force. My biggest gripe with these traditionalists? Their need to change the conversation so that they become the victims.

Um, last I heard, I don't know many gays going around bashing heterosexuals. But, I do hear lots of stories of discrimination and violence perpetuated against the LBGT community. Sorry, when the majority starts to whine and cry about other people reaching equality status, I just don't feel bad ... not in the slightest.

And the idea that gay marriage is gonna somehow threaten "traditional" marriage? Uh, hello ... isn't the divorce rate way over 50%? Let's be real; heterosexuals were and are destroying the sanctity of marriage all on their own ... no need to get any help from the LBGT community in this arena. Some lady on Hardball with Chris Matthews today was yapping about how the definition of marriage is going to change forever for everyone ... DUH. Of course its gonna change! That's the point of legally recognizing gay marriages. As for the religious nuts, give me a fricken break. There's something called separation of church and state friends ... I know this concept has been lost somewhere along the way, but if the church wants to engage in state and public affairs, they have to abide by those damn secular man-made laws ... praying to God will not avoid those pesky taxes. Trust me, I've tried and the IRS apparently doesn't answer to God.

Sorry for the diatribe, but this issue totally makes my blood boil. I just don't see how recognizing gay marriages to give legal status for gay couples is going to somehow strip me of my right as a woman to marry a man. Oh right! It doesn't! Maybe it makes too much sense that its hard for people to comprehend?

I've Been Tortured.

2009-04-08T13:55:00.000-07:00

Self-inflicted, of course. I finally couldn't take it anymore and made the trek to Pink Cheeks in Sherman Oaks for a waxing. I've been going here for almost 3 years, and it does not matter ... the pain is always the same and the fear does not stop. I get hella nerves when I'm driving there and kinda have to hype myself up for it ... like I'm going to battle! Weird or normal?

I blame porn and Playboy for setting this awful grooming standard.

Spencer Is The Best Villain EVER.

2009-04-08T13:35:00.001-07:00

Man-oh-man! I finally got to watch the Season 5 premiere of The Hills ... and as always, guaranteed drama in the Speidi world.

Gawd, Spencer is sooooo wicked!!! I have to admit that half the fun in watching the show is to see the outrageous and delusional antics of Mr. Spencer Pratt, particularly how he's always disowning his sister in every other episode. The show would be way boring without the drama Spencer brings. And by the way, I frequent The Dime (where Spencer flirted with the bartender and then fist fight ensued with Cameron) and now need to make a point to stop by there soon to check out the bartender that sparked the season premiere. Let's see if chick really works there or "worked" there as part of The Hills. Wouldn't be surprised if she was just planted there for a couple of episodes ... how do I get that gig?

Heidi and Audrina, as also predicted, are part of Snore Fest 2009. They just are so dreadfully yawn-full ... seriously, let's give credit where credit is due. Spencer made Heidi interesting. Audrina? I read somewhere in one of the gossip blogs where a blogger called her Ceiling Eyes ... HAHAHAHA. What a perfect description. I never could pinpoint what was wrong with her but I knew it was in the eyes. Doesn't matter in LA ... a smokin' hot body can take you the distance.

Junk TV Orgasm

2009-04-07T22:44:00.000-07:00

I just got back to LA after a 10 day trip to San Francisco, and I have a lot of catching up to do on my DVR! As Whitestar would say, I'm having a "junk TV orgasm." He hates everything I watch, and I can't watch anything anyways since March Madness and Madden pretty much monopolizes any TV time so whenever I get back to my place, I spend a good 15 hours watching TV. Its kinda like heaven.

So, what's new? The Tudors is back!! Yay! I absolutely love love love this show. Jonathan Rhys Meyer has some crazy coked up eyes, but he plays a damn sexy King Henry. I think it sucks that Anne Boleyn got her head chopped off in Season 2 cuz I thought that actress was awesome, but that's the way history goes. I'm not sure how I feel about the new Queen ... we'll see how the season progresses but there's already boobs and mistresses in the next episode so sounds promising. Royalty, scandal, sex ... LOVE IT!

This new 90210 is kinda bleh. I think my love affair with it is over ... I used to watch the original 90210 religiously! Like when it was on FX, Mama Philly Pinot and I would watch 5 hours of it because they would play reruns in the morning, afternoon, and then a new episode at night. *sigh* Those were the good days ...

I'm finally all caught up on Real Housewives of NYC ... the tennis match with Simon is kinda hilarious. He sure is a character! American Idol ... I really like that Allison chick, but let's be real ... Adam is gonna win the whole shebang. Uh, he sang one of my favorite songs EVER a couple of weeks ago and just killed Tracks of my Tears!! Dude, if Smokey Robinson gives you a standing ovation, you pretty much should win the show.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians is still crazy as ever ... I love all their clothes and shoes. Man, I miss shopping. I've been thinking of Kim Kardashian's Shoe Dazzle where they send you a pair of shoes every month and subscription to the online gig is $39/month ... not bad, and she rocked a cute pair of shoes the other day. Did I mention that I miss shopping?!?

I still have a few hours of Heroes, Law & Order: SVU, and How I Met Your Mother left to watch ... when you don't have a job, you sure do have a lot of free time to watch pretty much anything and everything on TV. Now if I can only parlay that into a paying gig ...

Kumar Doesn't Go To White Castle ... Goes To White House.

2009-04-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

That's right! It is not a new movie title, but actor Kal Penn is off to the White House. How awesome is that?!?

Kal lived on my floor in Rieber Hall at UCLA, so big ups to the Bruin alum! He spent a lot of time in Iowa during the primaries and the general election, and now he's been tapped to be Associate Director in the White House Office of Public Liason.

I don't watch House, but apparently the suicide exit of his character was not pleasantly accepted by fans of the show. Well, maybe it can be like Melrose Place and the suicide was all a ruse and he can re-emerge in a couple of years as having been in an eye-witness protection program ... or was that an episode of Law & Order: SVU? Anyway, magic of television people ... he's not really dead, so fret not -- he may eventually return.

Good luck, Kal! I guess its safe to say that there will not be any Harold & Kumar movies for awhile ... bummer. I guess serving your country is more important than making movies about weed and hamburgers ... I guess.

Check out the full article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/07/kal-penn-leaving-house-fo_n_183904.html

My New Love Of Life ... Dhani Jones.

2009-04-07T21:59:00.000-07:00

I know, I make claims just about every other day on finding a new love of my life but I can't help it ... I'm just a romantic at heart. Or desperate. Same-same.

Have you seen Dhani Tackles The Globe on the Travel Channel? So this pro football player, Dhani Jones, travels the world and takes on various country's national sport. It just premiered this season and so far he's done muay thai in Thailand, Rugby in England, Dragon Boat Racing in Singapore, and some kind of man-grunt-wrestling-in-saw-dust in Switzerland. On top of the sport that he trains for, Dhani also tours the city he's in which always leads to some sort of funny encounter with locals and exotic foods.

Oh, and did I mention that he's a certified Grade A hottie?!? Man, is he scrumptious. I did go a little stalker on him and googled him for about two hours the other day ... hey, cut me a break. My boyfriend is a commitment-phobe, all my friends are married with babies, and I've gained about 15 pounds of recession-depression-related weight.

Watch him!! I guarantee you'll love it as much as I do. It usually follows Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman, my other fav Travel Channel show.

Wait, is this a bad sign? Oh lord, I'm already in stretchy pants and now I'm watching the Travel Channel pretty regularly ... oh my gawd. I've done lost it.

Should I Be Getting Mating Advice From Oprah?

2009-04-03T16:41:00.000-07:00

While I am unemployed and broke, the upside to my dismal state is that I get to watch Oprah all the time. Today's topic? How do we pick our mates?

Interestingly, turns out that being on birth control is inhibiting my ability to find the right mate! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?!? I spend all these years trying to avoid the accidental knock up until I find the love of my life, and it turns out the pill is actually prohibiting me from finding that love of my life ... *sigh* ... the story of my life, friends.

Apparently, I'm more attractive to men when I am ovulating because I give off certain hormones that tell men I'm ready for procreation ... which apparently is a hot thing and brings out the animalistic side of men to want me. The fancy pants word: reproductive viability. BUT, the pill alters my hormones and so I'm not giving off those all important phermones. AND, on top of it, the pill also prohibits my ability to DETECT the "right" scents of my mates.

Bottom line? Basic survivor skills: I am supposed to be attracted to hormones that are the opposite of mine so as to create a better genetic offspring. The damn pill instead causes me to be attracted to scents that are similar to mine, which studies have found led to MORE INFIDELITY AND MARITAL DISCORD. Finally, a scientific explanation for all my crappy relationships!

Does this mean that I'm attracted to losers because I'm a loser? Or does this mean I have to get off the pill?

2009 is proving to be the worst year ever ... and its only the beginning of April.

Jon & Kate ... Troubles?

2009-04-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

Word on the street is that there is trouble in the world of Jon & Kate Plus 8 ... NOOOOOO!! I love and adore this show and couple, even if Kate can be a total nag and Jon a little lazy with the child rearing.

Allegedly, Jon was out partying with some college chicks at a bar and some anonymous rat said that Jon was complaining about his marriage. Hmmm, sounds totally normal to me. I don't go a day without complaining about Whitestar and/or Blackstar ... and pretty much any other jerk I've ever dated. So does this mean they're breaking up? Probably not, but I don't like that the speculation has hit the tabloids.

Jon & Kate breaking up would be like my parents divorcing ... or worse, like the Cosbys breaking up. I'm already bummed out with the economy and don't think I can take another disappointment.

I'm Back! Not a Kell-amity ...

2009-04-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

Alright, after a couple of weeks of feeling sorry for myself, I'm back to blogging. Mostly because I have so much to say about Real Housewives of New York! The best clip ever:

First point: TEAM BETHENY ALL THE WAY! Kelly needs to get pushed off her high horse stat. I do give it up to Kelly for having some major cajones ... who schedules a meeting to bitch someone out, and then shows up late to said meeting. That's pretty awesome ... an extra douchey move for a douchey meeting.

Second point: Countess is getting de-counted ... happy or sad about this development? I'm not sure. Does this mean we can just call her LuAnn now?

Finally: Ramona's husband Mario ... WEIRDO! I love that he considers himself a professional tennis player and is getting his panties in a bunch over the match with Jill (who, by the way, is my WAY favorite!).

I know I shouldn't love this show, but I am addicted ... it is beyond ridiculous and over the top, but SOOOO good.

I love him too!

2009-03-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

He's so cute. I didn't get to watch him on Ellen but I saw him talking about Real Housewives of Atlanta a long time ago and it was the cutest thing. Finally, a man we have in common.

Foot massage sucked big ass today. Poor Florida. Her lady left her in the middle of the massage to chat with some city official for 20 minutes. We were so mad. You would have hated it because it was like someone gently rubbing lotion on your feet. Well, I haven't given up on foot massages yet.

Worst. Interview. Ever.

2009-03-19T16:51:00.001-07:00

I don't know if I've become more conservative in my older age, but I went on an interview at an internet company yesterday and just could not get with the flow. I thought I could do relaxed and unstructured ... I think some people call this organized chaos. I love the idea of jeans and flip-flops to work everyday, so why didn't this place suit me?

Well, first I do a phone interview on a Saturday while the lady is walking her dog in the rain ... lots of heavy breathing coupled with intermittent screams at the dog. Lovely. I must really be desperate for work.

A couple of days later I go into the office for an in-person interview, wherein the receptionist/accountant (yes, the accountant is also the receptionist) person tells me within the first 10 minutes of meeting her that she can't wait to get the hell of out here. Hm ... not a good sign. Not to be outdone by the angry combo receptionist-accountant, the dog-walking lady has me meet several other people who appeared outwardly annoyed at having to be a part of this interview. Future co-workers? Great. About 90 minutes later, the dog-walking lady interrupts a conversation to inform me that she needs to step out, and tells my last interviewer to just walk me out when we're finished. A quick thank you, and off she goes ... I think, "wow, she's really busy ... she must be on her way to a meeting."

I finish up and make my way out of the building ... and guess where dog-walking lady was? ON A FRICKEN SMOKE BREAK!! Can you believe that shizz?? She couldn't even muster the courtesy of waiting 5 minutes to formally end our interview before she went on a smoke break. *sigh*

I have a feeling that my unemployment days are here to stay.

Anderson Cooper Is My Other Half.

2009-03-19T16:30:00.000-07:00

OMG ... I love love love Anderson Cooper! Did you catch him on Ellen DeGeneres today? Well, he was on it and talked about his favorites shows American Idol, Real Housewives, and Law and Order: SVU!!

Uh, hello Anderson Cooper ... how'd you get into my Tivo?

The Leader Of The Free World Is In Cahoots With UNC

2009-03-18T17:34:00.000-07:00

We are less than 24 hours from the beginning of March Madness. Have you filled out your bracket?

Well, the Prez has ... AND he hates the Pac-10. I felt so sad when he called a VCU over UCLA upset in the first round! How dare he?!? I guess the President really is like every other man in my life ... always a disappointment. GO BRUINS.

On a side note, I kinda dig the fact that his bracket also has a presidential seal. What an elitist.

Country-fried American Idol

2009-03-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

My man is back with a hot performance! Whew! Yay for Anoop because another bad performance would've meant a one-way ticket back to Chapel Hill.

And, in another random twist, I kinda enjoyed Corkrey-Corky-Corkscrew this week ... yeah, I was surprised with myself but the song was kinda catchy and she only swiggled once (probably because she had the flu), which tempered my hateration for her.

Uh, Alexis? She looks weird to me and is utterly unlikeable. Eat a sandwich and get rid of the pink hair tips.

Real Housewives Of New York ... Love It Or Hate It?

2009-03-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

Bravo has given me so much in my life ... Top Chef, Project Runway, and the entire Real Housewives series. I don't want to like it, but I can't help myself ... I'm an addict for the crazies.

What's up with the Countess? Gawd, someone needs to push her off her high horse. Though, I won't lie ... if I was a Countess, I'd probably make everyone call me Countess just for shizz and giggles.

And, surprisingly, I'm liking Betheny now. I was not a fan before, but I'm kinda digging her angry, bitter, cynical ass self. Bitch on, bitch.

Ramona?!? Stop with the sugar booger cuz your eyes are gonna pop out of your head if you snort anymore lines. Is it just me?

Alex and Simon ... oh, Alex and Simon ... weird meets weirder.

Finally, my favorite gal of the show: Jill! Chatterbox Jill is hilarious and is probably the Long Island version of NeNe from Atlanta ... talks hella trash about anything and everything. LOVE HER.

Oh, and the new one? BORING.

Depression Central; Population: Me

2009-03-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

So, I was watching Oprah today and it turns out that I meet Dr. Oz's five signs of depression. SWEET. Here's the test, in case you want to also self-diagnose yourselves:

Lack of Energy. Are you more sluggish than normal?
Weight Gain or Loss. Have you been eating more or less than you're supposed to?
Trouble Sleeping. Do you have trouble falling asleep? Or trouble getting out of bed?
Lack of Concentration. Do you have trouble keeping your mind focused?
Apathy. Have you lost the love, the zest, for the hobbies you have in your life?

I kinda feel like all my problems really stem from my inherent laziness, so perhaps I'm not depressed but just REALLY freakishly abnormally lazy. Is there a pill for lazy?

And, according to my pregnant friends, these are also all nasty side effects of having a parasite growing inside you. I'm gonna write a book and call it "Fat And Tired? You're Pregnant and/or Depressed." I think it'll be a top seller.

AIG ... Please Die Already.

2009-03-16T18:10:00.001-07:00

WTF AIG?!?

So, again, I ask ... who is running the PR for all these banks and financial firms?? Hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses to AIG employees, in the aftermath of taking over $170 BILLION in bailout money?

Seriously. Something is SO wrong. I don't care about what's in their employment contracts ... if the American government can commit torture and subvert the constitution, I'm pretty sure the government can do something to modify these employment contracts to avoid paying AIG bonuses. Give me a fricken break ... these schmucks should just be happy they still have a job in this economy!

Beating Frog Heart ...

2009-03-16T18:01:00.001-07:00

Sounds pretty nasty, huh? My main man Andrew Zimmerman (from Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman) was in Thailand in this last episode I saw, and he ate some crazy ass shizz ... beating frog heart, stir-fried bats, animal innards ... but the thing that made him actually gag?!? DURIAN! haha.

Now, I hate fresh durian because the smell is so utterly nasty ... like sewer meets feet meets public toilet. Disgusting and definitely gag worthy. But, the fruit is surprisingly kinda sweet and once you get over the smell, its not so bad. So, I couldn't believe how weak sauce A. Zimmerman was when he couldn't even eat a small piece of durian! Uh, he ate a frog heart that was literally still beating! But he couldn't take durian?

Man, surprise-surprise. Perhaps I'm ready to eat a frog heart ...

I'm Thinking Of Doing A Cleanse ...

2009-03-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

As we all know, I was the recipient of a lovely counter-top deep fryer not too long ago and just dang lost my mind going into a frying frenzy. It was way sick, and "sick" not in a good way like the kids talk these days. I ate fried chicken everyday for a week and probably cut off two years of my life because of this.

On top the whole clogging artery thing, I ended up getting a pimple right on the outside of my lip ... pretty gross, eh? Yes, the nasty oil drippings of fried chicken caused a pimple near my mouth. Yeah, yeah, I'm disgusting ... deal with it.

As if this isn't bad enough, it gets SO much worse. I'm pretty vain and at the first sign of a possible pimple, I go into like DEFCON 5 on this bitch ... I mean, I'm attacking this bad boy with Pro Activ, Murad spot treatment, Mario Badescu drying lotion ... the whole effin shebang. I'm already thinking people are staring at this ginormous volcano of a pimple, so I also start to get very paranoid. Not good, friendo.

So, I arrive in San Francisco and am pretty excited to spend some time with Whitestar. You know what he says to me? "DUDE, YOU GOT HERPS." Aw, the love of my life ... he sure does have a way with words, eh?

Which leads me to the conclusion that when a pimple gets mistaken for herpes, its probably time to go on a rapid diet. I'm thinking a master cleanse will do me some good. I lasted about three days the last time I tried this and I was Crankmaster General to the tenth degree. Basically, you're on notice ... if these posts start to become noticeably more aggressive, impatient and angry, it means I'm on the cleanse and will not re-emerge until I regain my sanity (i.e., eat solid food again).

Wish me luck.

2009-03-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

A house of Maynards, my dream come true. Another reason to get a maid too. This Maynard is super cute. Is he still available? You and my sister keep on sending me pictures of cute dogs. I think she wants me to raise some pets for her too. Oh man, poor hubby.

Dude, you really have to have a long torso to pull off those boobs. She has an abnormally long torso cause she has the boobs, yet you can still see a couple inches of belly with button. GROSS! Why do you want to look at that?

Lastly, I just need to comment on our friend, Hollywood Nails. Tell me if this is not exactly what you expect from her. Okay, so she rides her bike to dinner last night. She takes off her helmet (glamorously) and sits down across from me. Immediately, I notice all the shiny things radiating from her upper body. She has a diamond tennis bracelet, a diamond watch, a huge pair of diamond earrings with an even bigger diamond pendant to match on her neck, a huge ring on her left hand, and a diamond encrusted band on her right hand. Got the picture. I'm like, she's riding her bike alone in the dark, when diamonds are extra sparkly. Some insane person could just pull her off her cute little bike and jack her for 200+ G's . Our friend is crazy but I guess that will always be her style. Sorry Hollywood Nails if I just told everyone about this but I'm only saying, I like how you operate.

Okay, come back soon.

Gross, right?

2009-03-13T12:03:00.000-07:00

Uh, is this for real? I saw this on http://www.collegehumor.com/ and I couldn't stop staring at this lady! I mean, I know that the boobies are obviously fake, but why would someone want to do this to themselves? And do dudes really like this?

I guess there really is someone for everyone.

Meet Franklin AKA Maynard.

2009-03-12T17:46:00.000-07:00

Can you stand the cuteness?

Wooing, when you get a home, we are going to rescue a whole boat load of these furry creatures. I'm just going to start bringing them over and then accidentally-on-purpose leave them at your house. I'm sure Husband will catch on, but he's a softie ... how can he say no to that face?

Yes, Models Sweat!

2009-03-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

The blogosphere has been going a little crazed over the fact that the hawtness Miranda Kerr ... wait for it ... sweats! HAHA. I mean, I get that she is fricken beautiful and a Victoria's Secret hottie, but why all the surprise over a little bit of armpit wetness?

I, for one, am happy that she's human and has sweat glands.

Good Riddance, Madoff.

2009-03-12T12:14:00.000-07:00

Good news all around today! Anoop survives American Idol (barely) and Bernie Madoff pleads guilty and is finally in the slammer. It's about hot damn time!

If all you get after screwing people out of $64 billion buckaroos is home arrest in your $7 million New York penthouse ... shizz, getting arrested doesn't sound so bad.

Surprised At All?

2009-03-12T11:43:00.000-07:00

Aw, the unity that is Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have come to a demise. Dang! There was so much potential ... I mean, they had the whole knocked-up-teenage-drop-out-from-the-meth-capital-while-your-mom's-campaigning-against-sex-education-on-the-Republican-ticket thing on their side ... with all that hypocrisy, I thought survival was imminent. Oh well.

I wonder how the Palin 2012 committee is reacting to all of this ...

Are Anoop's Days Numbered?

2009-03-11T11:42:00.000-07:00

I didn't get to watch American Idol last night because Whitestar decided to go on a 4 hour Madden-athon, and since I didn't program it on his Tivo and could not interrupt his game to manually hit record, I had to wait until this morning to watch clips on YouTube.

What'd we think?

I was kinda bored by everyone, truth be told. And poor Anoop ... the judges hated him. While his version of Beat It wasn't all that exciting, it wasn't all that bad either ... not nearly as bad as the blogs or judges made it out to be.

You know who's a snorefest? Michael Sarver and Kris Allen ... boring and more boring.

Domestic Violence Makes Good Music?

2009-03-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

I hate to get on my soapbox, but did you hear this latest shizz on the Rihanna-Chris Brown saga?

They're making a duet! Something about overcoming challenges in their relationship. Lovely. Maybe it should be called "My Fist Loves Your Face Too Much."

*sigh* Seriously, what is wrong with this picture?!? Its been only 4 weeks and they're already in the studio recording together? Truth be told, I don't feel sorry for Rihanna anymore ... she's got millions in the bank with legions of fans praying for her safety and recovery, not to mention that she's garnered the sympathy of pretty much anyone in the industry. So, if she's gonna exploit this whole mess, why not just do it alone? Why share it with the dude that gave you an ass whooping? She could've went the Mary J. Blige route and come out with a "No More Drama" song and it'd become the anthem for survivors. Instant millions.

Speaking Of Annoying Actresses ...

2009-03-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

Renee Zellweger totally belongs on the list of most annoying actresses ever. I just finished watching this movie called Appaloosa ... don't waste your time. Its got an all star cast with Viggo Mortenson, Ed Harris, and Jeremy Iron, but naturally, Zellweger is the curse of death (much like Amanda Peet) and so the movie is a total flop.

I think Zellweger's way worse than Kiera Knightly, and she might be my number one. No, never mind. I forgot about Hilary Swank ... she definitely takes the top spot on my list of most annoying actresses. That episode of The Office where they talk about whether Swank's hot or not was hilarious! I knew I wasn't the only one that felt this way about her.

For Sure, Totally Pathetic.

2009-03-10T05:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, welcome to city of loser-dome; population: me.

At the end of the day, its not so bad ... yes, I have to return to a profession I hate and yes, I have to concede that I'm a bit of a failure, BUT Whitestar is very excited about my return to the bay and when he's happy, I'm happy. I'm just grateful he'll let me mooch off of him for awhile until I find something more permanent ... or until my culinary and/or writing dreams come to fruition, which ever happens first. Plus, maybe I can finally get Maynard! And, I get to eat porchetta sandwiches every Saturday at the Farmer's Market, which is also a nice draw. I'll know for sure at the beginning of April, since I'll have to give notice to my landlord. The Hmongs! Awww ... that seems like so long ago.

My biggest fear? The last time I moved in with a dude was in college (remember, Racer X?) and that lasted about 4 months before we broke up ... we never quite bounced back after that. AND, if Whitestar and I don't make it, guess where I'm headed? HOME. Bless my parents, but we're better off in different houses.

Who won't be happy about this move? Blackstar. But again, perhaps another blessing in disguise. The man's got an ego the size of a continent, so truth be told, he probably won't even notice (much less care) that I moved in with another dude.

but but but....

2009-03-09T18:37:00.000-07:00

...but, what can I do? I wish I worked or had a home. At least you could stay with me for a couple months if I had a home. Ha ha ha...we are so sad. Well, I understand why you have to move but I can't believe it's really going to happen. You are a total trendsetter. Hey man, me too, me too. I haven't worked in two years. I'm a little ashamed to admit. I'm not positive, but I think it's safe to say that graphic designers are even less in demand than lawyers right now. When will you know for sure? Remember unpacking all your stuff into the Larrabee apartment when you first moved back to LA all those years ago, the bison frise, Hmongs, and the landlord who survived brain surgery and then bought sheets from SAKS? Dude, that was a long time ago.

Toblerone all the way! You're creative. How delicious.

On a different note, Florida told me that there are hour-long foot massages for $15!!! Total illegal immigrants but do you want to try it or have you tried it already? She said that it's pretty good. We can ask her more about it on Thursday. Apparantly, I've been out of the country for too long and everyone knows about this activity already. Did you...probably.

Will Work For Rent

2009-03-09T17:28:00.000-07:00

Wooing, I don't want to move back to San Francisco either. I'm pretty distraught over this latest development, but I don't know what else to do. The economy is terrible and out of work lawyers have flooded the market. Remember the bloodbath that recently happened at Latham? While the layoffs were shocking in number, it wasn't unusual. Two major law firms dissolved in 2008, and most firms have already engaged in one or more rounds of layoffs (including my old firm) ... so, there's just a lot of us sitting around.

If I had known we were on the brink of a major recession, I would not have quit at the very beginning of it. Go figure, eh? I actually read the other day that the recession began sometime at the end of 2007, so on the upside, I can continue to claim that I am officially a trend setter. Unemployment is sooooo in season right now.

I know May is pretty soon, but I think I will have tapped out of every penny I have access to in April ... so really, I'll be starting the move in April. I am holding out hope for a couple of employment opportunities that are in the works, but its pretty competitive and I'm kind of high risk ... apparently, the whole not-working-for-over-a-year is bad for the resume. Dude, that just means I'm really well-rested and charged up to work again ... a total positive, right?

Anyway, on to happier subjects: chocolate. I'm thinking a chocolate molten cake with a Ferrero Rocher in the middle of it ... it'll be gooey and hazel nutty ... yum! Or, a Toblerone-filled molten cake ... which will be made in your honor since you're Joey (remember that episode where he kept eating it?). Wait, since I'm unemployed these days, does this make me Joey now? Oh, financial stability ... why are you evading me?

wait, what?

2009-03-09T15:19:00.001-07:00

You are moving? What the hell? Since when? NO! I refuse. Did you get a job there? Living with Whitestar? I'm freaking out right now. Can you tell? Also, May? That's so soon.

Yes, I love cake! Yes, Katherine Heigl is most definitely in the K. Knightley league of annoying, which is why I didn't watch the movie until now. Yeah, I'll eat your experiments with cake.

Wooing, Its Just Hormones

2009-03-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

Crying through Knocked Up is not unusual ... its your hormones. In fact, I watched Knocked Up last week (you know, me and Husband are really in sync with our movie choices), and although Katherine Heigl is on my most hated actresses list, I rather enjoyed the flick. Plus, I can tell your reaction is hormone-based because if the worse your husband threatens you with is fantasy baseball, I say hells to the yeah! He ain't humpin' around, and quite frankly, you'll probably enjoy the space. I suspect you are two steps away from suffocating him with a pillow at night. Besides, tell Husband he needs to grow a pair and that HE should be nicer to you. Uh, remember when we went to go buy a microwave and Husband was like "we should get one." And you had to remind him that you have owned one for years, and if he ever went into the kitchen, he would know this tidbit? Yeah, you've paid your dues with cleaning and cooking after this fella ... your time to be pampered is way overdue!

While I don't like that you're homeless, I can't help but be a little happy that maybe my Glendale plan for you will work out after all. Glendale is a lot closer to West Hollywood than Arcadia! Though, with the caveat that I may have to move back to San Francisco in May, which will make this whole Glendale-Arcadia debate moot.

Cheer up, Wooing. Your spirits sound low which means its time for you to get out and be amongst the people. How do you feel about chocolate? I've moved on from fried chicken to chocolate molten cake ... we can cry over bad movies while sampling my taste creations. I've got a two-disc masterpiece theater version of Pride and Prejudice that has our names written all over it.

Does Anyone Still Watch Meet The Press?

2009-03-09T11:39:00.000-07:00

After Tim Russert passed last year, I knew Meet The Press would never be the same ever again. I absolutely adored Russert and how excitable he would get over all things politics ... as cynical as I am, I always appreciated people who were genuinely passionate about their craft. And, this guy was definitely passionate. RIP, Tim Russert.

Now that I've got that love and feeling out of the way, let's discuss David Gregory. He is ruining MTP! Although, he's better than Tim Brokaw ... but that's not really saying much. I'm trying to stay faithful to MTP, but I just can't with David Gregory anchoring this bad boy. He's awful. What happened to my main man, Chuck Todd? Who, by the way, kinda looks like Lucas from Days of our Lives. Yes, I did cross-reference Meet The Press with Days of our Lives ... what can I say? I'm a complex woman.

And, uh, Newt Gingrich on the panel this weekend? WTF? Newt, you've been absent from politics for some time and there's a reason for this. You're a douchebag. Go far far away and please don't come back. After watching him, I pretty much spend the next hour ranting about all things wrong with America to anyone that will listen (and there's not many that will actually listen to my nonsense). Its not pretty.

Jason Linkins of HuffPo always does a really funny review on the Sunday morning talk shows, so in case you are ever feeling politic-y, have a read: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/08/tv-soundoff-sunday-talkin_n_172824.html. Plus, he shares in my sadness and disgust for the current state of Meet The Press.

Monday Update

2009-03-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

Hi Winner. Sorry I've been away. You know me. I haven't been feeling well this week. Anyway, I DO NOT share your excitement about Anoop. He's whatever to me, however, that clip was hilarious mostly because of that little guy.

Let's see. Husband watched Knocked Up (I know it's really old) this weekend and woke me up the next morning by saying, "I'm making you watch Knocked Up tonight because you need to see what a bitch you are and if you're not nicer to me, I'm going to sneak out and play fantasy baseball with my friends." He's refering to Katherine Heigl's sister. So I watched it and I couldn't stop crying, like balling crying, because I felt her pain. The whole time, Husband kept on saying, "eh, eh, is that you?" Isn't that mean?

Anyway, good news. I don't think we are going to get the Arcadia house. They countered back with a ridiculous price so we're back to homeless.

Congrats on mastering the perfect fried chicken!

I Might Be A Stalker

2009-03-06T15:04:00.001-08:00

Okay, I have issues. Since I have perfected my fried chicken recipe (marinade at least 12 hours in buttermilk-hotsauce mixture and dredged in a 10 spice flour concoction), I've moved on to my latest obsession: Anoop Desai from American Idol. I can't help myself ... he's so adorable.

I have decided that Anoop and I are soulmates. Why? Because his college thesis was 60 pages on the history of southern barbeque. How awesome is that? I love food and the man wrote 60 fricken pages on barbeque! Who knew I'd find my soulmate in a 22 year old American Idol wannabe? Anoop, I heart you.

So, in the middle of stalking Anoop on the internets, I came across this clip which made me love him even more: a YouTube video of him singing with the UNC Clef Hangers. IT IS HILARIOUS ... though, I'm not sure if it was intentionally funny or not, but still quite enjoyable. Keep an eye out for the three-footer on the right hand corner ... he looks about 10 but apparently still a Tar Heel.

India Is The New Black

2009-03-06T14:01:00.000-08:00

Hollywood is sooooo in love with all things Indian right now ... its kinda pathetic how they've managed to take such a beautiful culture and somehow transform it into a commercial whore. Oh, Hollywood. What to do with you?

After seeing Slumdog Millionaire, I would randomly break out in dance while singing "Jai Ho." It would really annoy Whitestar because it would happen anywhere ... before we went to bed, in the shower, while he was playing Madden ... just whenever my heart felt like it needed to sing. HAHA. I couldn't help myself! The song is unbelievably catchy and because it closes out the movie, you walk away with it in your head. So, to my surprise and shock, I read a couple of weeks ago that the PUSSYCAT DOLLS were making a remake of the song ... yes, the half-naked chicks who asked the proverbial question "dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"

I finally heard PCD's version and I won't lie ... I still like it. Makes me wanna dance!

In case you're interested in hearing the remix, here it is:

Snoop Snoop Anoop!!

2009-03-05T21:37:00.000-08:00

I LOVE ANOOP DESAI!! Oh, American Idol ... you sure have hooked me this season. This guy is dork central, but he's fricken adorable ... and man, can he work a crowd. I think he's got that underdog thing going for him because the crowd went WILD and I found myself smiling through his entire performance. The man's got heart, my friends. And while I don't normally root for Carolina blue, I did like that he shouted out Chapel Hill and did a Duke-Carolina rivalry reference to Kara (who is a former Duke-y).

I think it might be Anoop's year! I'm going to India in April; Slumdog Millionaire killed at the Oscars; and Anoop came back from the dead ... I think the stars are aligned.

Oh, and what's up with Corkrey or Corkscrew or whatever her name is?? She's doing that annoying ass jiggle of hers ... you know what I'm talking about. The hip-duck-wagging thing ... ugh, all season of this?!? Let's get rid of her soon ... I'm not into the whiny-so-called-singing voice ... its close to the robot voice and we all know how much I hate that shizz.

Eminem's Back. A Sad Day For Music.

2009-03-05T11:46:00.000-08:00

I just read on Perez Hilton that Eminem is releasing a new album this spring ... um, why? I had to investigate because I just don't understand why people think Eminem is a good rapper. HE'S NOT. I'm sure he is an amazing producer and can come up with some pretty good beats, but a lyrical genius? Spare me. Remember this gem of a rhyme?

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti

Heavy and spaghetti? WOW ... that's way deep. I think I just lost ten IQ points discussing this topic.

Justice?

2009-03-05T11:14:00.000-08:00

So, the big news of the day thus far is that Chris Brown was charged with two felonies: assault because he clearly kicked Rihanna's ass, and making criminal threats because he said something along the lines of "I'm gonna kill you bitch."

Apparently dude has been giving Rihanna the beat down for quite some time, and all the pics of Rihanna with herpes on her lips? The new rumor is that it actually wasn't herpes but a split lip, courtesy of a Brown beating. *sigh* Rihanna!! Lady, what are you doing?!? He kicked your ass because of a text HE received from another girl? Yeah, that sure makes a lot of sense.

Well, I'm happy to know that LA County District Attorney didn't wuss out and went ahead with charging this douche bucket. Now, we just have to wait to see if Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, John Yoo, and W get indicted for all their handy work in subverting the constitution. You know ... violating civil rights, lying about weapons of mass destruction, committing war crimes, lying some more about it, getting us into a totally unnecessary war costing us almost a trillion buckaroos, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. No, that wasn't a movie ... and yes, it really did happen. Let's cross our fingers that the Justice Department gets it right and then justice really will be served all around.

Perhaps I'll finally regain my belief in the nobility of my profession. HAHAHA ... yeah, right. Sorry, I can't say that with a straight face.

You Got Served CNBC!

2009-03-05T08:32:00.000-08:00

Watch The Daily Show last night? Jon Stewart was en fuego! Aw, I am in love with him! My ideal mate would be someone with the swagger of Stringer Bell from The Wire (HBO, bring this show back!) combined with the wit of Jon Stewart and Ricky Gervais. In other words, a smart, sarcastic, and funny drug dealer. H.O.T. If you're out there, call me.

Here's a clip from last night's show where Stewart goes to town on CNBC, with a nice eff you at the end.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

Real or Fake?

2009-03-04T12:35:00.000-08:00

One of the funniest videos on YouTube EVER. Probably because I have been cursed with the old adage "always a bridesmaid, never a bride." I have been a bridesmaid in 10 weddings, made three toasts, and been to more bachelorette parties than I like to admit. With each wedding, I get more bitter. I can't help it ... I'm a bad person. So what. Bite me.

Watch the video, especially if you feel a little hateration today. I guarantee you'll replay it more than once! I actually think it might be real ... what say you?

Bizarre Foods Makes Me Hungry

2009-03-04T11:43:00.001-08:00

I am totally obsessed with The Travel Channel's Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman. This guy is insane. Basically, dude goes around the world and eats the local delicacies ... you know, a traveling Fear Factor.

On this episode, he's in Uganda eating all kinds of random intestines and field rats. At one point, he is offered the small intestine of a goat ... yummers! He's a bit hesitant and unsure whether the intestine has been thoroughly cleaned, and after tasting it, he says "mmm, definitely still some food in there ... if I really worked hard at it, I could probably guess what that goat had for dinner before it got killed. I've had braised goat innards before, but never this rustic. That's goat-y." HAHA. Dude, the guy didn't even make a gagging noise after he tasted it! So hardcore.

Is it weird that I feel like eating now? Whitestar always says that I would be the only person who would ever receive chemotherapy and come out gaining weight. Yeah, I'm a survivor. Although, is he calling me fat? I've been very sensitive to this issue lately. The other day Blackstar and I were talking and I mention that I might go for a run, to which he responds "What?!? YOU run?" As if I don't know how to run ... what the shizz? He was really surprised, like outrageously flabbergasted by this fact! So, I was like "dude, are you calling me fat." And he says "NOOOO, I'm just surprise you run because you never mention it." Not, "NO, don't be silly, you're a skinny minnie" or "NO, of course you're not fat." Yeah, I didn't get a denial of this which means that he did intend to say that if I had run, why do I still look like a do. Rat-fricken-bastard. What did I do in response? I ate, of course. It's a sick cycle.

Anyway, my quest for the perfect fried chicken continues. I have put my chicken in a buttermilk-hotsauce marinade over night and have prepared a 9 spice flour mix to dredge the chicken in. I'm pretty excited, but that's not saying much. If I get up and shower, its been a big day for me.

2009-03-03T19:43:00.001-08:00

Where do you find these gems? That guy is so cute. I've already begged for a baby bulldog and a cesar dog for months. It's a big no! Unless...you buy a Maynard for me as a gift, then I have to keep him. Oooooh, that's good. I mean I'll give you the money and you just surprise me with it one day. What do you think? Husband might resent you forever but who cares, we have a Maynard.

Btw, I was not trying to battle with you earlier today. You totally always win in the days close to your birthday. It's not even worth trying. But, that was a pretty good story about your panties and cleaning crew. Ha ha ha. sorry.

I Miss The Drama Of The Election.

2009-03-03T19:34:00.000-08:00

Is that weird? I think I miss the passion and drama ... something about the fire in my belly during the election. And, probably because I just got off a conference call with the Obama campaign staff in Ohio. Oh the memories!

So, in honor of all the good times I had pounding pavement in Appalachia, I watched Right America, Feeling Wronged -- Some Voices From The Campaign Trail, an HBO documentary by Alexandra Pelosi (yes, daughter of the infamous House Speaker Nancy Pelosi). She followed McCain-Palin through several states and interviewed supporters from across the country. Um, I don't want to say that ALL McCain-Palin supporters are moronic, but there sure are plenty of them around.

What did I learn from McCain-Palin supporters? They often cannot spell, as evidenced from their signs and posters. They believe that Obama is Hitler or the Anti-Christ, or maybe even both. I think someone said he was the Anti-Christ like Hitler. Finally, they don't know what socialism is (nor do they know how to spell it -- see my first point) and when asked to define it, this was the best definition: "It's basically the view of Hitler, between Communism and I don't know the other word." Awesome. That's "real" America, folks.

I'm a political junkie so I loved it. Two thumbs up.

Aw, Look At Maynard!

2009-03-03T14:27:00.000-08:00

Cute, no?

Hey, Wooing, even though you tricked me into believing that you may move out to Glendale which is a hundred times closer to me, I will forgive you for getting my hopes up. And, you can make it up to me by adopting this dog and letting me come over to play with him whenever I want. Better let Husband know so I don't catch him in the middle of any weird private acts.

Wooing Strikes Again

2009-03-03T13:39:00.000-08:00

Wooing,

Glad that you have resurfaced and have rejoined the blogosphere! Blogging alone is one step away from talking to myself ... and that's just two shakes from stretchy pants and a bird, my friend.

You think I'm Rihanna! AWESOME. I think she's really hot! Oh wait, you don't mean that as a compliment, do you? Yeah, yeah, I can see how one would compare Blackstar to Chris Brown, in that Chris Brown totally effs with Rihanna and she comes back to him anyway even if dude is a total rat bastard. Alright, I'm messed up in the head. I never said I wasn't but its getting better and 2009 will be the last year that I shed any tears for this awful man. It'll be bye bye Blackstar in 2010! You definitely said you'd cut me off at 32, which at the time you told me (several years ago) seemed like a long time away ... but ugh, we are already just eleven months from this occurrence. *sigh* How did I get here again?!?

Aw, you like Whitestar! I knew deep down in his sarcastic bitter heart that there was a nice guy, and the nice guy is slowly emerging. Although his awful Madden obsession continues, I haven't had to suffer as much. We've worked out a compromise where he only plays a couple of hours a night. While it doesn't sound like much of a compromise, it is a drastic improvement over before where he'd play ALL night AND I' d have to watch and cheer him on. Those days are over, thank gawd. Do you think Whitestar is my Goldstar?!?

By the way, something is WRONG with you, and its not the grey sweatpants you live in (I can't judge since I live in my Taiwanese house dress). YOU DON'T THINK BRODY IS HOT? That's just un-American.

Millionaire Matchmaker? Gross and grosser. I can't stand her. I think she's worse than Kiera Knightly ... she's definitely in the Hilary Swank realm of annoying.

You think you hate your life? I'm having the best of worst days ever. The couple that comes to clean my place came by today in a sorta surprise visit. Apparently, they've been coming on Tuesdays, but they used to come on Thursdays, and have been coming on this new Tuesday schedule since the first of the year ... how did I miss this? Goes to show how observant I am these days. Anyway, so as I did not expect them, I was lounging around all nasty in some granny panties and a dirty T-shirt. Door opens, I do a mini scream, cleaning guy drops the broom, I jump up off my couch, forget that I'm wearing my granny panties, scream again in horror, and then cover myself up with a blanket. My only consolation is that I didn't pop a tiggo bitty out, or else I'd really be embarassed ... cuz its not embarassing enough already that someone actually saw me in my granny panties. GAWD, I am turning beet red just thinking about it all over again.

Oh, and I got rejected from that teaching fellowship I applied to in San Francisco.

Yeah, bring it sister, because in today's showdown of whose life sucks more, I totally win today.

Blackstar IS Chris Brown

2009-03-03T10:57:00.000-08:00

I'm only putting this out there in hopes that you will listen to your own advice. You are Rihanna. Yes, you don't have a black eye or a bloody lip but you have almost 10 years of emotional scarring. I don't know which is worse. Do you really want to get married? Well then, you need to cut him off because he is holding you back. Did we say that I was going to cut you off at 32 or 35? I forgot but I think it was 32, which means you have only this year to get rid of him for good. I mean it! (I'm saying this in a stern voice and mean face.)

Anyway, I don't watch the Bachelor but I keep seeing clips of him making out with girls on tv. He's gross. Also, all the girls look alike to me. Brody Jenner is NOT attractive. Nadya Suleman needs to go away and I'm enjoying American Idol. Man, I've been out of the country for almost two years and I sure did miss reality tv. Do you watch Millionaire Matchmaker? I don't, but isn't that girl with the bangs and big lips annoying? Man, she is up there with Keira Knightley.

Let's see. What have I been doing? I'm at the peak of being the most disgusting person in the world. Husband has to remind me to change my clothes sometimes because I basically live in my grey sweats. Oh, we made an offer on a house this morning. You will be disappointed to know that it is down the street from my mom's house. I secretly hope that we won't get it even though it's the best house we've seen. We went to look at it late last night. All parents along with furry white dog were present...I hate my life. We try to ditch the parents but they keep on inviting themselves to look at houses with us.

Any special plans this week? Oh, I just wanted to tell you that Whitestar was really pleasant this weekend. I enjoyed seeing him but don't tell him I said that. Plus, he's so sweet to you. It's kinda gross, like how we always make the throw up face at people in love. It's okay, you deserve it.

Did You Watch The Bachelor? DRAMA!

2009-03-03T08:09:00.000-08:00

Alright, Jason Mesnick is not the "good guy" everyone made him out to be. I get it, dude got dumped by some janky Bachelorette, but this guy went above and beyond the call of douchery on last night's show.

So, here's the recap: Douchebag picks Melissa over Molly; Melissa and D-bag are engaged; hella weeks later, all parties return to After The Rose Finale Show; D-bag dumps Melissa; D-bag confesses his love for Molly; Molly and D-bag are back together.

Yes, three hours of my life that I will never get back.

I was rooting for Molly the entire time, so it was quite shocking when he picked the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Melissa at the end ... okay, not that shocking cuz she is, after all, a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. Melissa is cute, but she doesn't seem too bright ... kind of reminds me of Audrina from The Hills, don't you think? Plus, all her answers to the Mesnick clan seemed so pageant-like and forced. And, poor Molly! Why beg? Its so unattractive and it never works. Lady, keep it together and have some dignity for gawd's sake ... America is watching.

And, was anyone else annoyed with the Mesnick clan? I, in particular, was not a fan of Mama Mesnick. She was all like "ooohh, Molly's all career-oriented" and "well, you know, Melissa seems more family oriented." HELLO?!? When did those two traits become mutually exclusive? I can have a career AND love my family. It is 2009 people!

I knew this Jason Mesnick character was too good to be true. He does, after all, have an ex-wife and is exploiting his cute little kid for chicks. He faked a relationship with Melissa so that he could dump her on national TV. I mean, what about some notice? Someone sure doesn't understand the concept of saving face. And, if he's all in love with Molly, why'd he break her heart so unnecessarily when he picked Melissa in the first place? AND, he made Molly look all desperate and pathetic, first begging him to pick her and then taking his sorry ass back AFTER he proposed to another chick!

I don't know. I'm gonna call it like I see it, and Jason rates pretty high on the dick-o-meter.

Brody Is Single Again?!?

2009-03-02T15:04:00.001-08:00

Can it be true? Did Brody and all of his hotness finally drop Jayde Nicole? I just read on Pink Is The New Blog that Brody and Jayde have answered the prayers of lonely singles all around the world ... they are back on the market!!

I think its only fair, after all. The world got Megan Fox when she dumped David Silver of 90210 fame, and the ladies got David Silver ... hm, he just doesn't do much for me. And, as a side note, Donna Martin should totally graduate.

So, at least I can now dream about Brody Jenner cuz that man is en fuego sizzling H.O.T. Well, come to think of it, we may have Brody to drool over but the fellas get Jadye Nicole and Megan Fox. Hm, well played, boys. You clearly win this battle 2-1.

RIHANNA, You Are An Idiot.

2009-03-02T13:30:00.000-08:00

Are you kidding me, Rihanna??? After receiving a beat down from Chris Brown, you're going back to him? WHY?!? I tried not to believe the earlier reports, but now there are pics of you and Chris getting on and off a private jet TOGETHER?

(report and picture from TMZ.com)

Lady, I just don't get it. You're hot. You're rich. You have millions of adoring fans. And, did I mention you're rich? So, what's the problem here? Why would you want to publicly humiliate yourself while disappointing your millions of adoring fans and asking to get another beating? Cuz, we all know that this isn't the first time and it sure isn't going to be the last time his fist makes contact with your face. If this is the road you intend to head down, I suggest you get insurance on that money maker of yours stat.

Look, I don't know if the rumors are true, but Rihanna, if you're preggers ... you don't need Chris Brown to raise your kid. Even crazy ass Nadya Suleman who is BROKE and mentally unstable thinks she can raise 14 kids alone. Rihanna, I'm pretty sure you can handle one baby with the 4 nannies that you can afford to hire. It'll be alright so suck it up.

Pineapple Express anyone?

2009-03-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

Given these tough times, I don't blame anyone who needs to self-medicate. Me included.

I saw this picture from Vanity Fair that made me laugh out loud, and seriously made me feel a hundred times better. If y'all remember, this shot is a parody of the photograph with Kiera Knightly, Tom Ford, and Scarlett Johanssen which was quite provocative. HAHA. Brilliant, people.

And in an effort to be a better person and perhaps have better karma, I shall share the joy.

The original:

The new and improved:

Now this is the kind of genius that deserves a bonus!

WALLSTREET! YIKES!

2009-03-02T13:04:00.000-08:00

Holy.Fricken.Cow! The effin Dow Jones industrial average has fallen below the 7000 level. I cannot believe this ... come on, economy!! We cannot handle any more bad news. For the love of all that is good in this world, please PUH-LEASE bounce back soon.

Birthday ... ugh.

2009-03-02T10:27:00.001-08:00

What's new? I turned 31. Yeah, 31. Yep, 31 and still completely lost over my career, my love life, and pretty much everything else. I thought my quarter-life crisis happened when I graduated from law school and had a mini panic attack on whether I really wanted to spend the rest of my life practicing law. But, I realize now that my quarter-life crisis is now. And I don't think its going away anytime soon.

I quit my big firm law job at the end of 2007, without realizing that we would be shortly entering the greatest economic depression since the 1930s. And I can't get a job because I've been on a break for too long and the market is now overly saturated with lawyers anyway. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure I don't want to practice law anymore, but won't be hired in any other capacity because companies are risk adverse these days. I have the uncanny ability to find men with the worst commitment issues and decide that they are the loves of my life. All of my girlfriends are married, getting married, have children, or are already pregnant or trying to get pregnant. Which means that even if I wanted to go out to meet new people, there's not many people who want to go out. And, where do the thirties professional crowd hang anyway? So, where does this leave me? With a bottle of jack and pints of ice cream.

I don't know what I'm doing with myself ... and that's awfully scary in this environment. I will continue to cry in my beer and work on discovering the secret recipe to the delicious chicken that is KFC in the meantime.

Edward Cullen is an American Idol?

2009-02-25T21:59:00.000-08:00

Randy Jackson and I are totally in sync. What does this mean? It means I should definitely be a judge on this show, cuz we all know that I have my fingers on the pulse of America.

So, American Idol just finished and the last kid on it, Adam Lambert (dude that was a singer in one of my most favorite musicals ever, Wicked), sang the Stones' Satisfaction. The entire time I was saying that he should be cast on Twilight the musical! And then Randy says he was a cross between Mick Jagger, Fall Out Boy, Edward Cullen (!), and My Chemical Romance. HAHA. Major props to me for my deep insight.

What of the others? Did they redeem themselves after the awful 3 beginning singers? Here are my observations:

Allison Irehata: she doesn't just sing ... .girl can saaaannng. Lawd. BUT, I just can't get behind her cuz she looks like she can also be a Bret Michaels Rock of Love chick. Come on! I know she's 16, but hear me out on this ... just picture her with the rest of the Rock of Love girls, drunk, screaming, and of course crying while she tries to rip the weave out of another drunk, screaming, and crying chick. Right?!?

The Corkscrew or Corkskey or whatever her name is girl with the fatty tattoo on her arm: I dig her voice cuz she's got a stank to her that I like, BUT what's up with the weird chicken-duck-tail-wagging move that she was doing during her performance? SO annoying and every time she did it, I wanted to push her. So, I liked you but I can't imagine an entire season watching you do that awful butt shaking move.

I didn't really care for the rest of the "singing" this week. What's up next? THE FINALE OF TOP CHEF! *sigh* I am totally in reality TV heaven right now.

Come On American Idols!

2009-02-25T20:36:00.000-08:00

Uh, what the heck is going on American Idol right now?!? We're only three singers in and they all SUCK. Like, embarrassingly suck. Like, you've just brought disgrace to your family kind of suck. Like, time-to-cut-your-hair-and-change-your-appearance kind of suck.

Why am I still watching this show?

Well, there's still an hour and a half left, so I will try to be patient. Please let someone sing a good song or else I will never get these two hours back.

Dog In The Iron Mask

2009-02-25T19:55:00.001-08:00

You know I can't go too long before I post another furry creature that I want to adopt. And this week's cutest.dog.ever:

Look at this face! Do you know what this ball of fur made me think of when I first saw the picture? Leonardo DiCaprio in Man In The Iron Mask. RIGHT?!? Remember the part in the movie where they lift the mask off the "good" twin for the first time, and Leo's hair is matted all over his face? THAT'S THIS DOG! I swear. Watch the movie again and you'll most definitely come to the same conclusion.

As always, head over to Perfect Pet Rescue if you can save the pup. And, this time the dog doesn't look like a Maynard to me. I feel like she's more of an Alfonso ... you know, soooo ugly that its kinda cute? That's an Alfonso!

KFC ... I'm Gonna Crack You Soon!

2009-02-25T18:22:00.000-08:00

So, I don't have much going on in my life except rejection, stretchy pants, and my creativity. Yeah, you don't need to let me know how awesome I am.

My new totally-random-no-reason-except-I'm-bored-with-a-countertop-deep-fryer obsession? Figuring out KFC's closely guarded 11 secret spices and herbs. Yeah, who's awesome now!!??!!

While I haven't cracked KFC just yet, I think I'm pretty close to Popeye's. My current fried chicken recipe has a nice kick to it in that spicy Popeye-esque way so I'll need to turn down the notch on the heat. Its tasty, but its no KFC and KFC is my gold standard.

Alright, alright. I suppose this may mean I need to get out of the house soon, but this is one project I'm doing for America. And, Barack Obama told me last night that I can't quit on myself cuz then I'll be quitting on America. So there.

Fellas, Some Advice For You.

2009-02-25T18:12:00.000-08:00

If your lady is ever having a really awful day, and you don't want to spend several hours talking to her because you can't remove yourself from your Playstation, Wii, or whatever other game console you may be obsessed with, I have a piece of advice for you.

Flowers. It doesn't always work, but it'll mitigate against further damage because she'll hate you a little less when you inevitably say the wrong thing. And, this may prevent her from tossing your video game machine out the window while you sleep.

If you live in la la land, there's an AMAZING floral place called House of Petals. Pricey, but the arrangements are to die for. I know this because I just received flowers from them, and I'm in love. Whitestar, you did good today.

Hells To The Yeah

2009-02-24T23:13:00.000-08:00

Love. Love. And love some more that Obama is our president. He's pragmatic, but with the courage to think outside the box for bigger and bolder solutions. AND, I love that he's been working his butt off talking to the American people and working with Congress to try to actually help people like us, and not just them greedy bastards on wall street. He's on TV so often doing town halls, press conferences, and speeches that I almost forget that he's been our President for only four weeks. Remember the last guy we had? Yeah, I pretty much blocked him out of my memory too.

In case you missed it and need to have that love and feeling again, check the video here:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

My favorite line of the night? "CEOs won't be able to use taxpayer money to pad their paychecks or buy fancy drapes or disappear on a private jet. Those days are over." Hells to the yeah.

The Showdown Between Crazy 1 and Crazy 2

2009-02-24T14:51:00.000-08:00

I am a glutton for punishment. I blame the depression, loneliness, and this wretched economy. Seriously, I don't want to look but I can't help myself!! This octuplets mess is just SO fricken addictive. But, maybe that's just me. I do watch Maury and can proudly (or with shame) say that I have attended a Jerry Springer show.

Anyway, you MUST go to www.radaronline.com to watch the video of Mom and Grandma to the octuplets. I can't tell if I'm being punk'd or if this is for real, because it is that insane. LOOK AT THEM! That old cliche of the pot calling the kettle black doesn't even come close to describing these two.

ENJOY the two-part series here: http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2009/02/octomom-erupts-video-showdown-with-her-mom-over-babies.php

A Whole Gang Of Kids

2009-02-24T14:41:00.000-08:00

The baby daddy emerges in the craziness that is the octuplets and their cuckoo mama, Nadya Suleman. Well, maybe not the real baby daddy but someone who apparently wants to be involved in this hot mess.

This schmuck Dennis Beaudoin is claiming to be the father, even though Nutty Nadya has said publicly that Dennis is not the father. Come again? DENNIS!! What is wrong with you?!? Why, why, why do you want back in this lady's life and get yourself involved in this public example of why we might want to consider sterilization all over again.

Now, the circle of crazy is complete. Something must be in the water in that part of LA county ... remind me to drive faster through that part of town else I may inhale whatever's gone airborne.

Here's the article and link to the video on HuffPo: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/23/denis-beaudoin-possible-o_n_169182.html

Oscars ... Kinda Bleh, No?

2009-02-23T01:29:00.000-08:00

The Oscars for me this year was kinda forgettable ... no great speeches that left me in tears and no beautiful dresses that made me want to sell a kidney for. So, in my world, that makes this year's Oscars just bleh.

Natch, I can't go without some fashion commentary. First, why does Jessica Biel bother me so? Is it because she somehow miraculously landed Justin Timberlake? Or is it because she just looks like a regular plain ole' chick to me ... I don't know what it is, but I just don't see A-List celebrity in her future. Anyway, her dress reminded me of Eva Mendes' from the Golden Globes but not in a good way ... and for that, Biel's stylist should be fired. Eva looked like a hot tamale, while Biel looked like she took a white sheet and tied it in two places. If you're gonna try to cop someone else's swagger, at least make sure you do it better! And Eva was rockin' that dress, so like I said, someone's stylist needs to find a new profession. Don't believe me? See for yourself:

(Picture of Eva Mendes from instyle.com; picture of Jessica Biel from E Online)

LOVE. LOVE. LOVE Angelina Jolie's emerald drop earrings. If I ever get hitched, those would be the earrings I would want to wear with my white gown. As for the dress, um ... remember Ursula from The Little Mermaid? 'Nuff said.

(Picture from justjared.buzznet.com)

My fashion icon Sarah Jessica Parker didn't wow me either, which hurts me deeply to say. Though, her boobs did look fantastic in that dress. And actually, I don't think the dress is that bad cuz she wears it really well ... I think my problem is that hair and makeup. It was not doing it for me at all and made her look old and played out. Am I right or am I right?

(Picture from http://www.styleonline.com/)

And, while I think Marisa Tomei is an awesome actress, she has been a fashion failure this entire awards season. She did do a little better at the Academy Awards wearing a gown that fit her well and was at least current, but that's not saying much compared to the pirate outfit or that awful yellow prom frock with the no-makeup-makeup face. So, for that, congrats Marisa Tomei for looking not as terrible as you usually do.

(Picture from http://www.styleonline.com/)

HATE. HATE. AND HATE EVEN MORE. Beyonce Knowles and her silly statue barbie pose. Please stop. You look weird and uncomfortable ... and that makes me uncomfortable to look at you. Not enjoyable for anyone so do us all a favor and relax.

(Picture from www.styleonline.com)

Finally, a surprise guest at the Academy Awards? Alicia Keys. I actually thought she looked really pretty while presenting with that kid Zac Efron. Her makeup was not overly done and I liked that she wore a bright color. Plus, she was oozing confidence like she knew she was looking fierce. My personal favorite of the night.

(Picture from www.styleonline.com)

Another honorable mention for me is Freida Pinto. Something about that one-armed lacey sleeve. I think this dress would look horrible on a lot of other people, but I think with her petite stature and complexion, she's able to make this dress look good. So, kudos to you Freida for making an almost ugly dress into red carpet worthy.

(Picture from www.justjared.buzznet.com)

Everyone else? Pretty dresses, but no real standouts. Like I said, just kinda bleh all around.

O+O: Octuplets and Oprah

2009-02-21T17:23:00.001-08:00

Just a reminder to set your Tivo to catch Oprah next Tuesday for the appearance of Grandpa Suleman, father of crazy Nadya and grandfather to the infamous octuplets. Apparently, he's gonna confirm the obvious: Nadya most definitely needs to put her cuckoo back in the clock.

Can't wait to see whether Grandpa Suleman is also a wack job. I will cross my fingers that he may be the only sane one in this group. Cuz if Grandpa has issues, then the whole family is in trouble, which means we have 14 potential crazies joining America's population.

Hot Damn

2009-02-21T17:15:00.000-08:00

Did you see this latest picture of Susan Lucci in a bikini? What is her beauty and exercise routine, cuz that lady's got a bangin' body for someone who is 62! YES! 6-fricken-2. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Please, to the dear gods above, let me look like her when I'm near retirement.

The Octuplets Daddy Emerges?!?

2009-02-21T17:04:00.001-08:00

Holy.Cow. Can it be true?? I just read on HuffPo that the octuplets' alleged baby daddy is getting interviewed by Good Morning America!! I cannot wait to see who this schmuck is. The highlight of this interview thus far? He claims that he made a sperm donation at home and Nutty Nadya kept it between her boobies to keep it warm. Uh, say what?!? Awesome. And more awesome. This lady belongs in the looney bin and potential octuplets' daddy should've taken his sperm and flushed it down the toilet.

Check the article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/21/nadya-suleman-sperm-donor_n_168870.html

Set your Tivo! This is a must see event.

Octuplets Mom = New Kevin Bacon

2009-02-19T23:16:00.001-08:00

Man oh man. I am officially two degrees separated from Nadya Suleman, infamous mother of octuplets.

I just found out that my former mentor at my old firm went to high school with Nutty Nadya!!! OMG! What the eff, right? And, not just a classmate, but actually good friends with the wack job!

I think this makes me official ... like, I totally have my fingers on the pulse of America. Dang, that is way street cred. Word.

No Effin Way ... I'm Speechless.

2009-02-19T23:04:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to say ... this is so fricken crazy!! Can it be true??!!??

I was reading through TMZ and Perez Hilton, and both have posted pictures of the alleged assault on Rihanna by Chris Brown. Holy shizz. Seriously, Chris? What the hell is wrong with you??!!??

Lock him up! And, please please PUH-LEASE Rihanna, do not take that fool back. I know the rumors are already circulating that you've forgiven, but please don't let that be true. You are an international superstar!! If you get back with this douchebag, what does that mean for us hoi polloi??!!??

Rihanna, you are better than this. Keep ya head up and know that the world's got your back.

Baby Steps Towards Fiscal Responsibility

2009-02-19T22:44:00.000-08:00

Um, so remember those two BEAUTIFUL dresses I bought when I shouldn't have bought them? So, I actually did return them because I was suffering from major buyer's remorse, not because I didn't love the dresses, but because I knew I shouldn't be spending money so unnecessarily when I'm unemployed.

So I did it. I returned the dresses, and if you know me at all, I don't do returns. Mostly cuz I'm uber-lazy and can't find the time to go back to the store for returns. So major props for me today.

Although, I have to confess that while I returned the dresses, I did buy another dress. Sorry, I can't help it ... I have issues. BUT, the new dress was on SALE! Yes, totally on sale so I saved well over a hundred dollars ... like practically free ... almost ... um, okay, fine, not really practically free. But pretty darn close. That's good, right??!!??

And, look how cute it is:

Remember, on sale. So totally worth it, right??? I mean, I don't want to toot my own horn, but TOOT! This dress makes me look smokin' hot. And, really, that's all we can ask for. It's on sale. It makes me look hot. And I feel like I can work a runway in it. So, isn't it worth it? I should definitely keep it. Or is it time to call Hollywood Nails?

You Down With GOP? Yah You Know Me! Who's Down With GOP? Every Last Homie!

2009-02-19T18:11:00.001-08:00

Oh my gawd. I think God has heard my prayers for the demise of the Republican Party.

Michael Steele, the first black dude elected as the Republican Party's national chairperson, has publicly stated that his master plan to bring back power to the GOP is through hip hop. HAHAHA. Hold on, I have a side cramp from all the laughing.

Yes, the conservatives are taking it to the streets. I feel like there should be a battle ... like from Step it Up 2: The Streets. (And hells yeah, I watched it and I liked it.) Steele wants to revamp the GOP into more "urban-suburban-hip-hop." When asked whether this movement was cutting edge, dude replied "I don't do 'cutting edge.' That's what the Democrats are doing. We are going beyond cutting edge." HAHAHAHA. Oh my gawd, I think I pulled a muscle. HAHAHA.

THIS IS A MUST READ!! Check out the article at HuffPo: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/19/rnc-chair-steele-gop-need_n_168166.html

I am totally going to start quoting Steele for everything. I don't care what it is, but my first reply will always be "I don't do cutting edge." Brilliant, Steele. Just fricken brilliant.

I AM A SHOPAHOLIC.

2009-02-19T10:06:00.000-08:00

There, I said it. Whew! Man, does that feel good.

So, despite being unemployed and with total disregard of this awful economy, I decide that the cure for my depression is shopping therapy. Bad news bears, my friends. Why did I think this was a good idea? Who knows what goes on in my cuckoo head.

Happy Blind Bat -- bless her heart -- tried in vain to prevent the damage, but I was not to be stopped. I fell in love with two dresses, and couldn't decide which one to purchase because they were both so beautiful. And because I'm totally irrational and Happy Blind Bat is a good friend, we decide that I need (yes, I said need, not want) BOTH dresses because my birthday is next week, so natch, I need a birthday dress ... and I have to suffer through another wedding again, so I need another dress for that wedding. BAM! Problem solved -- two dresses for two different occasions. Makes sense, right?

At this point, I'm having major shopping regret. Its like in the movies -- there's a little angel on one shoulder telling me that I don't need the dresses and I should return them, while a little devil rests on my other shoulder telling me that I totally rock the dresses and I deserve to look cute. WHAT TO DO??!!??!! Must call Hollywood Nails.

So, every time I spend too much money on clothes, I call Hollywood Nails cuz she's the BEST person to go to when you need justification for pretty much anything. She's that supportive. I describe my new found love for these dresses, she (of course) knows exactly what to say, and unprompted replies nonchalantly "you definitely need two dresses ... one for your birthday and one for the wedding." SEE, she gets it and she came up with that all on her own! I totally agree and we're pretty much giving each other high fives over the phone for our genius reasoning. Granted, Hollywood Nails is in the middle of a facial on Wednesday afternoon, so given that neither one of us is working but rather shopping and getting facials, I'm pretty sure we both needed to lie to ourselves.

It seemed apropos to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic after this, so off we went. The movie is super cute! Loved it ... but no surprise there. If you liked Sex and The City, its a PG rated version of that without sacrificing all the fashion eye candy.

I know you all are dying to hear what I ultimately decided. I know you think I kept it, but I'm full of surprises. In an effort to be more fiscally responsible, I'm gonna return the two dresses ... well, for now at least. Hey, baby steps! BUT, I am gonna keep this super cute shirt which was practically free in comparison. Kim Kardashian is wearing it here:

Cute, right?? And even cuter on me. :-)

Irony meet Hypocrisy

2009-02-17T14:37:00.000-08:00

Our favorite Alaskan Caribou Barbie, AKA Governor Sarah Palin, is back in the news again cuz her daughter, Bristol, just did an interview with Greta Van Susteren of Fox News. Check it out here:

And, because Sarah Palin loves to be the center of attention, you know she had to make a special appearance. Brace yourselves:

I cannot stand Sarah Palin ... like even typing her name makes my blood boil. BUT, I kinda feel sorry for her daughter Bristol because well, she has to actually live and interact with Sarah Palin on a daily basis. And, I'm liking Bristol more cuz she didn't tell her moms about the interview until the day before. Still a typical teenager.

I find it highly entertaining that Grandma Palin all of a sudden has embraced this whole "life happens" even while she campaigned on abstinence in her 2006 gubernatorial campaign. AND, even more outrageous is the whole spin this interview has taken on. Like, pat on the back for having the baby and doing your job as a mom.

Give me a fricken break. I guarantee you that if the Obama girls were older and had gotten knocked up while in high school by their high school drop-out boyfriend, the media would have had a field day talking about the decline of family values.

Sarah Palin, please just go away. You've done enough damage to America.

Time For Another Woofer

2009-02-17T14:02:00.000-08:00

I'm back in San Francisco for a few days and it is seriously Storm Watch 2009 up in here! Ugly meets uglier. And because I'm too lazy to go outside when its too cold and rainy, I ended up watching about three hours of Dogs 101 on Animal Planet. Yeah, I know, two shakes from stretchy pants and a bird but this isn't borne out of my depression ... its the weather. I'll admit that I'm deep in the stretchy pants phase and would rather stay home than go out these days, but I blame my friends. You'd stay home too if the conversation is always about (1) getting married; (2) having babies; and (3) losing weight because you're getting married or having a baby.

Anyway, I digress. I saw another cute furry creature on Perfect Pet Rescue that I'm dying over. His name is Finn, but you guessed it ... I think he looks more like a Maynard. :-)

Just because I'm bored ...

2009-02-17T13:35:00.000-08:00

All this stimulus talk has me thinking random things, like what's the plural of stimulus? Stimuluses? Stimulai? Or just plain ole' stimulus?

Which brings me to my other random grammer issue of the day: what's the plural of Guinness? Yes, as in the beer Guinness. So, if I'm at a bar, do I ask for two Guinnesses? Or is it two Guinness? Or would it be like conjugating the word thesaurus, and I'd ask for two Guinneii?

Eh, I'll just ask for two pints of Guinness and that should solve my problem.

Stimulus! Stimulus! Stimulus!

2009-02-17T13:28:00.000-08:00

Now that the Prez has officially signed into legislation the $787 billion stimulus plan, let's cross our fingers that the economy will start to turn around. *PLEASE!* Read the full story here:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090217/ap_on_go_pr_wh/obama_stimulus

Because its not in my nature to be too optimistic these days, as demonstrated in my bitter and often angry posts, I feel compelled to share with everyone what I learned this weekend on McLaughlin Group. Yes, I know, I am still one of the few remaining people who actually watch this awful show, but I can't help it. Remember, I like the screaming crazies. Anyway, Mort Zuckerman, Editor-in-Chief of U.S. News & World Report, was on this weekend and he claims that we'll be needing another stimulus plan before the year's end that is on par with this current stimulus plan. This means we have another $800 billion plan by Christmas that we'll need to really pull us out of this depression. Awesome.

Someone Needs Maury!!

2009-02-16T09:42:00.000-08:00

Have you heard about this kid with the kid? SO WILD. Read it here, if you think you can stand it: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1145845/I-DNA-test-says-Alfie-teenagers-claim-father.html

So it was already big news that this baby daddy looked literally like a baby, but now we're talking about DNA tests cuz there might be other baby daddies??

Seriously, who is the father??!!?? Sounds like this is a job for my main man, Maury Povich. Fifteen year old British gal Chantelle Steadman just had a baby and the world is anxiously waiting to see if the baby daddy is the 13, 14, or 16 year old? Results please ... and the dramatic "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" Love that shizz.

Crazy Spawns Crazy.

2009-02-16T09:12:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I can't help it. This octuplets story just keeps getting juicier and juicier and I just can't stop watching the madness. I'm an addict for the crazies.

So, Grandma did another interview with the Early Show on CBS where she talks about her crazy daughter getting implanted with hella fertilized eggs. Seriously, look at this woman's face. Grandma is TOTALLY a wack job too. I mean, watch the video! Crazy eyes. Check. Uncomfortable smiling. Check. Disillusioned. Check. Weird manic laughter. Check.

I've got five on it that there's another child somewhere that's locked in the basement.

For reals, Chris Brown?

2009-02-16T08:33:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know its been over a week since the Chris-Brown-Rihanna saga started, but I am really still in disbelief over all of this.

And, Chris Brown has the worst PR staff in the business. When you beat up your girlfriend, this is not an "unfortunate" situtation. And, stop talking about God making you a better person, cuz neither the public nor God wants to hear that you're gonna emerge from this stronger. Uh, you're not the victim here mister. And finally, the its-not-as-bad-as-it-seems crap NEVER works because punching her only once in the face doesn't make it any better.

The latest gossip-psuedo-journalism site that is definitely my number one site to visit for all the crazy gossip in R&B and hip-hop, Media Takeout, is "reporting" that the fight was about HERPES! YES, HERPES! Allegedly, Rihanna got the shizz from Jay Z and she passed it on to Chris Brown, which is why Chris Brown felt the need to give her an ass whooping. Read here for ya self: http://www.mediatakeout.com/2009/30673-top_florida_paper_prints_jay_z-_rihanna_-_chris_brown_herpes_rumor.html

WOW. Yowzers, right?? I don't know if we'll get the real scoop anytime soon, but the saddest part of all of this is that Chris Brown will probably be back making music in a couple of months. Uh, hello, Hollywood doesn't have morals cuz money will buy you out of anything. Woody Allen boned his wife's adopted daughter and people still watch his movies. That Polanski guy has been on the run for years in France because he's a certified child molester, and people still adore his work. And the perfect example that you can always recover from scandal? R. fricken Kelly! That guy was making music while he was still on trial!!!

America, grow a pair and stop supporting these losers.

Feeling Blue Today

2009-02-16T08:11:00.001-08:00

I must have "STUPID" etched into my forehead because there is no other rational reason for why Blackstar treats me like I'm a moron.

As the awful love holiday descended upon us, and after back to back bridal and baby showers this last weekend, coupled with a birthday that was creeping up, it was the perfect storm for a major freakout. And I freaked out.

Blackstar, naturally, opted for the avoid-and-pretend route. He claimed last week that he had to "work" through the long Valentine's Day weekend, which we both knew was code word for he was going to spend that weekend with another lady. I told him I wasn't having it, he doesn't call all week (ergo confirming I was right), doesn't send me flowers for the first time in 7 years (further confirmation that there's another girl in the picture), and then on Sunday (AFTER V-day, of course), calls me to leave this pitiful message, like nothing had happened: "Baby, your last text seemed kind of angry so I decided to give you some time. I hope your Valentine's Day went well and you're well."

Uh, WTF, right??!!?? Are you with me on this?? I'm sure this phone call was because the afore-mentioned lady friend who he spent Valentine's Day with had left for the weekend. Right, like he really wanted to give me "time" for things to blow over. Seriously, does it say stupid on my forehead?

I Don't Know Why You Would Want To Get Married ...

2009-02-12T17:50:00.001-08:00

Look, if you want to ruin your life by getting married, go right ahead. I don't care if you're gay or straight because the sanctity of marriage is WAY overrated ... particularly when half of y'all get divorced anyway. Here's my bottom line: if you wanna get married, that's your choice. If you wanna get divorced, then go right ahead ... that's your choice too. If you are two grown folks who love each other and think marriage is somehow a validation of that love, shizz ... go for it.

That said, the evil doers are trying to nullify the 18,000 same-sex marriages that went down between May and November ... you know, when the dumb f*ckers living in California passed Prop H8TE. These same dumb f*ckers are going out of their way to be even bigger assholes. Noooo, its not good enough that same-sex couples can't get married anymore, these assholes want to go back and overturn all the marriages that already happened. Awful. Awful. Awful.

The Supreme Court is gonna hear the case in a couple of weeks on March 5, 2009, so if you felt like a dick cuz you didn't do anything to stop the madness during the election, now's your chance to make up for it.

Watch the video. Don't be a gaycist. And then sign the petition at http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/s/divorce. Seriously, if the LGBT community want to be miserable in marriage too, I say let them!

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Don't Look If You're Eating.

2009-02-12T17:24:00.000-08:00

I saw this on TMZ and found it highly disturbing. Is it wrong that I think pregnancies like these are gross? Which, natch, will mean that should I ever spawn, I will look like this ... and probably worse. And, I probably will be carrying only one demon child, not eight.

Ew. Cover that shizz up, please.

Hate Valentine's Day As Much As I Do?

2009-02-12T16:53:00.000-08:00

Something obnoxious about public displays of affection that makes me hate Valentine's Day. What's the point? The dumb holiday just makes you feel angry and bitter if you're alone, and if you're in a relationship, you feel obligated to do something romantic cuz if you forget, your inconsiderate ass has just ruined everything. So, again I ask: what's the point?

I know, I know ... I'm jealous blah blah blah. Bite me.

Here's a funny e-card for all the haters.

A Very Special F*#king Valentine -- powered by Cracked.com

Why Do These People Still Have Jobs??

2009-02-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

Shouldn't folks in the financial sector know how to ... let me see ... deal with finances? Know how to make money and not lose money?

(AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta from Huffingtonpost.com)

Let me break this down. If you give me $100 and my job is to invest that to double your money, and I don't actually do that but instead lose your $100. AND, on top of that, I don't just lose that initial $100 but also spend an additional $1000 on your behalf, without telling you of course, lose that $1000 in the market, and then come back to you and say "hey, you owe me a $1000 and a bonus." Um, I'm sorry ... you know what you would say to me? YOU'RE FIRED.

Morgan Stanley and Citigroup's Smith Barney rewarded their executives with "retention awards" ... not to be confused with "bonuses." Yeah, because apparently these assholes believe Americans are really that dumb. Yep, same fools that received $60 billion in bailout money. So, basically, these dumbasses suck at their job and we're paying them to continue to suck. Why do we want to retain the losers who caused the economy to crash??? Why are we awarding them?? I feel like I'm going crazy cuz I just don't get it. To get your blood boiling, read the article on HuffPo here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/11/bailout-recipients-giving_n_165624.html

I also spent part of the morning watching the idiot bankers try to defend what they've been doing since receiving TARP money a few months ago. The magic word here is "try" because there's nothing they can say to justify what happened. These same fools also rewarded themselves with bonuses. When did bonuses become an entitlement? I thought we give bonuses as a nice-job-pat-on-the-back. Now, its nice-job-you-suck-so-here's-a-couple-million-bucks?? Here's the HuffPo article on this crap: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/11/wall-street-bankers-to-te_n_165914.html

I am SO in the wrong business. Why'd I go to law school? Kids, if you're deciding on a profession, I suggest you get a business degree and head to wall street.

Nadya, not you again!!

2009-02-11T15:23:00.000-08:00

Alright, wack job mother of eight, Nadya Suleman just can't catch a break. And, I kinda don't think she wants to. Nutty Nadya (or her awful PR people) has set up a website for donations, cuz obviously an unemployed single young mother of 14 children, all under 8 years old, without a trust fund or inheritance can't do this alone.

And since its not enough that the taxpayers are providing food stamps and paying her medical bills via Medical, she's now gone directly to the people for a bail out. Well, at least we know she's an American cuz asking for a bail out is sooooo the new trend. Check out the full article on her at Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/11/octuplet-mom-nadya-sulema_n_166030.html

I'm pretty sure that if I default on my student loans, stop paying my credit cards, and fail to pay my monthly rent because I CHOSE TO AND OF MY OWN FREE WILL, my ass will be out on the street and NO ONE would be willing to donate to me to bail me out.