Need a good chuckle?

I received this from Whitestar awhile back, and it ALWAYS makes me laugh out loud. I must have read this 100 times already, and it really is funny each and every time. HAPPY FRIDAY!!


Below is the complete email conversation that Adelaide man David Thorne claims he had with a utility company chasing payment of an overdue bill.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.




From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached




From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thank you for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

On the next episode of Law & Order ...

I hate to get on my high horse, but I need to do some serious venting on the baby factory woman. HuffPo and CBS have released more details on the lady and her new village:

• Mystery momma recently declared bankruptcy


• Family already abandoned another home (implication is that this was due to the aforementioned bankruptcy)


• Babies were conceived via IVF


• No word on when she'll visit Maury

My issue doesn't have to do with the absence of a baby daddy ... shizz, sometimes I think we'd all be better off without the deadbeat dads. My problem is that we are living in an era of total irresponsibility!! First we hear about them wallstreet crooks giving themselves billions in bonuses while at the same time asking for government TARP money, and now a woman who has declared bankruptcy and lives at home with her parents purposely having 8 more babies to add to the 6 she already has. What's wrong with this picture??!!??

I feel like this is an episode of Law & Order: SVU (which, by the way, is one of the BEST shows on TV today). I bet the twist is that the grandfather is a secret millionaire who forcefully implanted his seeds into his sweet, innocent, baby girl. Ugh, so sick ... and probably already a story line from another episode.

OR SHE'S DOING THIS TO GET MONEY FROM THE FERTILITY PROGRAM?? Maybe the twist is that there's a cuckoo lab that is doing weird scientific experiments regarding IVF, and the poor woman who was so desperate for money got paid to be experimented on?? Again, I suspect this is also already a Law & Order: SVU episode.

Anyway, here's the story without all my unnecessary commentary:

I guess government bailout is the new hot trend.

Peace Out Blago!

Nah nah nah nah hey hey hey GOOOOOOODDD BYYYYEEEE!

I'm kinda sad that this may be the last we see of my most favorite political laughingstock of all time. Poor Blagojevich got impeached today for trying to sell Obama's Senate seat ... hey, a man's gotta make a quick buck any way he can in this wretched economy.

See ya Blago ... your crazy ass will be missed.

Speaking of paternity tests ...

Dude, did you hear the latest saga re the octuplets born here in Cali? THE LADY'S ALREADY GOT SIX OTHER KIDS. Yowzers.

Eight in one birthing session is no accident, my friends! And did you see the house the baby-making-machine lives in? According to this news segment, houses in this area consist of 2 or 3 bedrooms. Lawd above, where is she going to put those children??!!?? I hope she's a secret millionaire or has got a book deal in the works. For reals.

I've been hearing lots of harsh criticisms regarding the absence of a father in this baby drama, so I suspect there will be more sordid details waiting to emerge. Cue the right-wing crazies because if this lady is a minority chick, there will be mobs with torches screaming to bring back sterilization for those damn welfare chickenheads. Seriously!! I've also got five on it that if she's a cute religious white girl that the same right-wing crazies will be loudly applauding her for her fervent pro-life stance. Gotta love the hypocrisy! And, please, do not get me started on the ZERO Republican support for the Obama stimulus plan ... bipartisanship must be a working theory. Sorry, I digress ...

Here's the CBS report on our mystery woman:

Is it wrong that I love Maury?

I know, multiple posts from me today, but SO much to discuss in the world of pop culture. In particular, my favorite YOU-ARE-NOT-THE-FATHER host, Maury Povich.

The best part? Maury says the guest's name is FOREVER, but that she is called FO-EVA. haha. Oh my gawd, I almost peed in my pants.

Best episode of baby daddy search so far!!

COOLEST. PRESIDENT. EVER.

Seriously, I love me some Barack Obama!! The President is most definitely down.

Check this video that was posted on HuffPo where he does the Beyonce-Single-Ladies hand flip ... soooo cute.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/28/obama-tells-beyonce-he-li_n_161978.html

I'M BAAAACCCCKKK!!

Sorry for the absence, but lots of activity this week coupled with major pity party for myself. But all is good again.

Two things:

1. I am now the proud owner of a deep fryer. Yay for me.

2. I was in Vegas this weekend for a bachelorette party, and my choices of activity on Saturday afternoon were either workout or look at engagement rings. I'm not kidding! Now, I know I should be gracious and do whatever the bach party wants to do, but seriously?? So basically, my choices were a reminder that I'm fat and should workout or that I'm a spinster because no engagement rings are in my near future. Double yay for me.

Other news? Well, in spite of my better judgment, I saw Blackstar today. And so began the downward spiral towards low self-esteem. Sweet.

Plus, I read my horoscope on Yahoo the other day only to find out that I will have 8 UNFAVORABLE months and 4 NEUTRAL months. What does this mean? This means that I have nothing to look forward to but shitty months and shittier months. Awesome.

I'm gonna pop a pill and go to sleep. Is it wrong that I'm calling it a day, and it's only 5 pm? *sigh*

I think I will call this double victory for me, as it is clear that I have totally won as the biggest loser today.

Lovely.

YES WE DID!

01.20.09. What a country!

With Bush/Cheney finally out of the office and Obama/Biden bringing sexy back, the biggest question of the day: how do we feel about Michelle Obama's swearing-in ceremony dress? It was a sparkly yellow/almost limey/puke-ish color dress with like olive green gloves. It's possible the color wasn't as bad as it appeared on TV, but I'm pretty sure it couldn't have been much better in person. The style of dress was classy, but the color was bleh which killed it for me.

First Lady Style Watch to be continued ...

Other highlight? The benediction by Rev. Lowery! Only an elder Civil Rights leader can get away with saying this shizz, which pretty much put an exclamation on the entire event:

"And in the joy of a new beginning,

We ask for the help to work us towards that day

When black would not be asked to give back

When brown can stick around

When yella will be mella

When the red man can get ahead man

And when white would embrace what is right."

SO AWESOME.

ONE MORE DAY!!

Very exciting times are upon us ... one more day until my main squeeze Barack Obama is officially in the White House. Yay for us!

Other news of the day? My brother thinks I have walking pneumonia. Double yay for me.

Also, because I will likely be posting POTUS news all week in honor of this historic moment, I just want to share with you my latest act of pathetic-ness. On par with the time I cried alone while watching American Idol.

So, as you may or may not know, I am part of the 10 people in America who still watches McLaughlin Group. Yeah, it is pretty geeky, but I enjoy all the yelling about political issues no one really cares about except for this 5 person panel and the 10 people who watch the show. Anyway, they were talking about Obama's ode to Michelle in The New Yorker, and it was so freakin' beautiful. Ew, they are so perfect, it kills me.

"Michelle is a tremendously strong person, and has a very strong sense of herself and who she is and where she comes from. But I also think in her eyes you can see a trace of vulnerability that most people don't know, because when she's walking through the world she is this tall, beautiful, confident woman. There is a part of her that is vulnerable and young and sometimes frightened, and I think seeing both of those things is what attracted me to her.

And then what sustains our relationship is I'm extremely happy with her, and part of it has to do with the fact that she is at once completely familiar to me, so that I can be myself and she knows me very well and I trust her completely, but at the same time she is also a complete mystery to me in some ways. And there are times when we are lying in bed and I look over and sort of have a start. Because I realize here is this other person who is separate and different and has different memories and backgrounds and thoughts and feelings. It's that tension between familiarity and mystery that makes for something strong, because, even as you build a life of trust and comfort and mutual support, you retain some sense of surprise or wonder about the other person."

How can you not want to have Obama's baby after this?!? Though, to be honest, I (yes, even I) am starting to suffer from Obama fatigue ... just hurry up and become the President already. All this optimism is starting to make me cranky.

Alert Part 2!

Houston, we have a problem.

So we're at dinner last night and after having way too much wine, at some point I blurted out "THIS IS SO GOING ON THE BLOG" (though at the moment, it escapes me what I wanted to share with you). And, Whitestar miraculously hears this statement, even though he NEVER ever, never ever, ever ever, pays attention to my random side comments. Yowzers. Panic ensues; heart rate quickens; palms are slightly sweaty. How do I get myself out of this one?!?

Any hoot, I decided to tell him the general truth -- that we have a group blog to which I share my deepest and darkest secrets. I underplay the content but overplay the significance ... this requires some delicate balancing. I mean, I don't want to raise too much intrigue but I also want to emphasize that this thing is off-limits. Whitestar is unpredictable, and I make him swear on the beer gods that he will never ever, never ever, ever ever, read this thing.

Natch, I give him no details on anything so as to avoid any searches for this site. And then proceed to put on a full court press re the issues of privacy and trust, although at this point in the convo, he's gone back to ignoring me because in the middle of my diatribe on this important topic, he incredulously says "man, I can't believe I'm ranked 91 in the country!"

I take comfort in knowing that he was really drunk so will probably forget the blog when he gets up this a.m. Plus, he's not real good at cyber stalking so I give it a 2% chance that he could actually discover this blog on his own ... but still, I will confer with the brothers for tips on how to ensure that I successfully delete any traces of this blog on Whitestar's computer. Who knows really what Whitestar does on his free time when I'm not around. His whole shtick of I-don't-know-how-to-use-the-computer may just be an act.

Re Suey, see what happens when you're too nice to ungrateful hags? Just stop taking her calls ... you are only a couple weeks away from moving back and will never be forced to see her again.

Sorry to hear about the fighting with Husband. Resist all urges to do anything permanently damaging to him in his sleep, although a harmless knee-in-the-back or elbow-to-the-throat while you pretend to sleep may ease some tension. I'm sure this is just about the stress of moving back.

Other breaking news! Our friend Flo Rida (apple bottom jeans / boots with the fur / the whole world was looking at her / she hit the flo' / next thing ya know / shawty got low low low low low low low) touched Justin Timberlake last night! She was having dinner at Katsuya in the valley and he's a regular there. I always thought the food at Katsuya was just bleh, but JT is way yummy.

Speakings of yums, as it is Saturday in San Francisco, this means a visit to the farmer's market on the Embarcadero and a date with my fave sandwich ever: Porchetta. Oh Porchetta! How I've missed you so.

oh, what?!

wtf! I've never experienced that back sweat thing you were talking about! Don't ever let that happen again.

Okay, one more entry on the Suey and then you have to cut me off. So she planned to pick up the oven on Sunday afternoon. I spent a good chunk of Saturday cleaning it. I emailed her to confirm pickup. Then she replies, "oh, I forgot to tell you, that we bought a mega oven!" How RUDE!!! Anyway, she still wanted to meet up and I was like no thanks. Good for me, right?

Also, me and husband are fighting for no particular reason. I want to kill him in his sleep. That's all.

Funny story.

Whitestar just proclaimed loudly "DUDE, I'M RANKED 91 IN THE COUNTRY!!" It was so heartfelt and passionate ... genuine excitement.

haha. I must admit, I did find it a little endearing.

Have you ever ...

Dear Wooing,

Have you ever been woken up because something nasty happened to you? Well, something gross happened to me this morning. I woke up in back sweat. Yes, back sweat. What does this mean? It means that I woke up because my face was planted against Whitestar's back, and the uncomfortable feeling of wetness caused me to awake from my peaceful slumber.

How long before I get pimples? Ew. I'm sure this new development will do wonders for my dating life.

Guess what I'm doing? I'm waiting for Whitestar to finish his latest and most awesome game of Madden so that we may go to dinner. I am starvation nation, but this does not seem to affect Whitestar in the slightest. The only thing that is keeping me going is knowing that in about 15 minutes, this awful session will end and I will be only minutes away from eating delicious lamb riblets and mousakka from Kokkari.

Oh, and I just had to high five Whitestar because he scored a touchdown. This is turning into a spectacular Friday night. AND, Whitestar has now started taunting the TV/online player ... lovely.

Fried Food = Nirvana.

Correction, dear friend. A deep fryer is not just "mini heaven on earth," but it is in fact, actually HEAVEN ON EARTH. Hmmm, I can start deep frying my own pork chops. Yum.

And, while I would like to think that Blackstar has some kinda emotional love for me, I'm pretty sure it is his love for food and poontang that keeps him around. He is, after all, a man. As the oh-so-eloquent Foxy Brown would say, da ill na na will keep yo' man straight! I'm not a total moron (although, my actions may indicate otherwise).

Of course, Blackstar is shady grady. But he's also really charming and a hottie ... which explains why he knows so many people and can talk his way into and out of anything. He's like all industry folks ... talentless but easy on the eyes, so there's a lot of forgiveness. Seriously! The dumbest people I ever met in the legal profession were entertainment lawyers. Yeah, I done said it and I'm not taking it back. Let's just say the academic expectations in Hollywood are phenomenally low. Yeah, that's right, I done said it again. Though on the plus side, entertainment lawyers tend to look much cuter than other lawyers. I dare anyone to compare the lawyers in Century City with that in downtown LA, and I guarantee that you will come to this same conclusion.

Anyway, there is Blackstar backlash. I'm going to go visit Whitestar today ... at least with Whitestar, I never feel like I have to suck in my gut or put on a face full of makeup, which is nice.

AND, did I mention I love me some American Idol??!!?? There was a cute white girl from Minnesota on last night that made it through to Hollywood and her listed occupation? BUBBLE TEA MAKER. haha. Love it. I always enjoy seeing what people list as their current state of employment ... my other fave was the "sandwich maker" ... I think the PC term is actually "sandwich artist."

Alright, I'm ghost like Swayze. Peace to your moms.

thanks

Countertop deep fryer??!! Isn't that your version of a mini heaven on earth? Kinda like Happy Blind Bat's husband's home fro-yo machine. Of course it means you have to cook for him, duh. However, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. Even though he's the jerk of the universe, he still enjoys your company. Who would talk to someone on the phone for two hours without some feelings of love involved? In addition, this guy is as shady as they get. How did he get himself to all those Obama events and meet Oprah at the Oscars? Um, hello? Shady. Another weird thing, how he kinda just springs all that info on you so matter of factly.

I don't want to say I told you so ... but, I told you so.

Wooing, how do you stand to be around all those awful people on consecutive days? I told you the girl from THE couple was annoying as hell, and now you have confirmed for me that my asshole radar is on point. The dick alarm went off when I met her, so good to know that I was right ... as usual. The bigger question is why dude from THE couple puts up with her? He needs to grow a pair and learn a little self-respect and dignity. In my opinion, he's the bigger loser of the two for being a pansy.

As for Pristine Suey, it must run in the family. I've never liked her sister or the friends of said sister ... just seem so fake. What's the male counterpart in that relationship like? Is he a wuss too? Well, on the upside, good thing Mute is gone and you won't have to spend time with them anymore.

Why did you offer up your goods to these spoiled brats? High five to Husband, by the way, for pointing out the snobbery of these two chicks. And, sorry, but I can't support you here ... that was poor judgment on your part for being nice to them AFTER you knew how annoying they were. Next time (if there's a next time), just fake an illness and stay home. You'll save yourself the headache.

*Sigh* I'm annoyed now just talking about those losers. Thanks, that's 20 minutes I'll never get back.

Speaking of dicks and losers, Blackstar called today. I think he must be feeling bad or guilty since our last talk because he spent two hours on the phone with me. TWO HOURS. Why must he torture me so?

Anyway, he's heading to DC in the morning for the inauguration. I swear, I don't know how this guy manages to be at every possible hot spot. He went to the Convention in Denver to hear Obama accept the nomination and now he's heading to DC for the inauguration festivities. How he manages to be a part of history is really quite shocking. He also claimed that if I had ended up getting staff tickets, he would have bought my plane ticket out to DC so that we can attend the ceremony together ... uh, yeah right. I felt some warm fuzzies for a hot second, and then remembered that he only uses people, and would've only used me to gain access. Why, why, gawd why, do I even waste my time on him??

He also offered to buy me a countertop deep fryer. I'm sure this gesture means he wants me to cook for him. Sorta like that time he bought me an electric mixer so that there would be no interruption in the delivery of baked goods.

So who's really the big loser in this tale? Me. Because in my twisted world of low self-esteem, I will later convince myself that he must still like me because he spent two hours talking to me. Wonderful. I need to find a therapist stat.

So, riddle me this batman: why do men like bitches and women like assholes?

Hands down, I win today.

Crying alone in your apartment from watching American Idol...sad, but I too have been there. In no way am I trying to belittle your misery. You are correct. The ratio of Chinese people to talent seems to be less than the ratio of Vietnamese to talent.

Now get ready for some major shit talking. It might get confusing because I need to refer to a lot of people using our code naming system so if you need clarification, we can just talk on the phone.

Okay, so last night we ate dinner for Mute's farewell. It was me and the husband, THE couple, Mr. 2 plus wife and baby, and a new couple, oh yeah and Mute. Guess who was the girl of the new couple? The sister, but equally as annoying, of Suey! Dude, she had the nerve to refer to me as the "older sibling" of Suey's good friend, you know the the friend. So that was that, but then I was later stuck in a conversation between the girl from THE couple and Suey's sister. They were talking about getting door to door car service with chauffeur, having tailors come to their house once a week to make clothes for them, and how they can't be having local hands touch their hair for a haircut. I was silent the entire time from shock but then STUPID husband throws me into the mix by saying "oh dude, Wooing's had some crazy stuff done to her hair here!" I was shoving food in my mouth and staring at the table so I wouldn't have to talk about how I slummed it by getting a local haircut. I mean seriously these girls were complaining about not having heated floors when I'm living in a place with NO heating at all and wearing a ski suit to go to sleep at night. It's fine that they talk about it and it's awesome that they can afford it, but I just don't want to listen to it for 5 hours. It's not just what they say but the way they say it. I can't quite describe the tone so just picture Suey talking.

Winner, Happy Blind Bat, you guys were totally right on about the girl from THE couple. She said "SHUT UP, I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW" to her boyfriend, in front of everyone. Ha ha ha...I guess that's pretty awesome.

Later, I get home and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs to let out my anger and husband tells me, "just know that you're more annoying than they are!" Man, I can always count on husband to put me in my place. I know I'm being irrational but it's just because I'm always cold and bitter.

But the biggest mistake of all, get this, I told Suey that she should take my little oven cause I'm leaving. That means I have to spend MORE time with her. I felt guilty for giving her the cold shoulder all night so when she said she needed one, I offered. I totally don't mind giving it to her but now I'm worried that I've insulted her by offering her my ghetto oven. Husband tells her that the door of the oven had fallen off and that it kinda closes now but it still works and proceeds to ask her if she wants our broken radiator that I Macguyvered back to work. Sometimes, you gotta love the husband for being so wrong. I wanted to laugh. It was kinda like throwing a, "hey, do you guys realize that you are a bunch of spoiled brats," in their faces.

Sorry about the rambling and complaining.

Anyway, may I offer a possible solution for the cooking for one issue? What I do is, I make the recipe and serve it. Then I freeze it and pass it off as new on the husband a couple weeks later. So, in your case, you can give it to Whitestar when he comes to visit instead of him ordering Pink Dot. Just throw some greens on it and it looks like new.

American Idol Rocks.

Wooing, I have hit an all time low.

Now, I thought it was pretty bad when I shed tears during the season finale of Season 2 of Rock of Love Charm School, but tonight during American Idol, I shed some tears for the blind singing dude at the end of the show. Go ahead and laugh at me now, but I will go to sleep tonight knowing I have a heart.

A couple of observations on tonight's show. First, why why WHY do the Vietnamese think we can sing? We can't ... and it's okay. They kicked America's ass with crappy weapons and tunnels ... just be happy about that. Anyway, out the gate, some cat named Tuan Nguyen did his version of "singing." What an embarassment ... doesn't he know anything about saving face? His poor family. Well, I will take comfort in knowing that we have a Top Chef and ruled on Project Runway, so represent my peoples. Wait, does this mean I have to claim Tila Tequila too? Ick. At least Tuan Nguyen sings better than William Hung, so I'm gonna have to say that Team Vietnam wins in the AI showdown of sucky Asian singers.

HATED the bikini babe ... hot body (I would kill for her ass), but definitely NOT likeable and sings like my 3 year old niece. She won't make it past the Hollywood tryouts, so what a waste of my viewing time.

Happy the cute girl who befriends old people made it through.

Sexual Chocolate? haha ... why oh why did he think it was a good idea to have that tattoo'd on his back? Now that is a douchebag. He should start telling people that he was drugged and kidnapped, and when he woke up, Sexual Chocolate was inked on his back (and maybe throw in something about waking up in a tub full of ice missing a kidney) ... cuz, that's the only way it would be acceptable.

My front runner is the dork who Simon didn't like. He's a bleh singer, but he's smart and witty ... tried to make some really bad jokes and it was so bad that it was funny. I dig him. Plus, he used "literally" correctly, which is always a plus in my book.

I love me some American Idol.

Cooking for one sucks.

Wooing, thanks for sharing your words of misery. That's why we're friends. And, tell Husband that I refuse to refer to him as WealthyBigPenis ... I could barely even type that. Hold on ... I had an involuntary gag reflex.

Alright, I'm back and will try to erase that horrid image from my mind.

Oh, our dear friend Happy Blind Bat ... haha. Excellent choice for our funny friend. SO many stories to blog about ... we should do a Top Ten Favorite Happy Blind Bat Moments! I don't know if I can just pick one favorite story of mine ... there is just an endless arsenal of funny when Happy Blind Bat is in the neighborhood. Vomit-on-pants-so-had-to-smell-to-verify-vomit definitely makes the top ten.

THAT couple was indeed at the surprise birthday dinner. Still in the honeymoon phase, I suspect. So, natch, I can't stand to be around them too long for fear that I may be cornered by the male and told yet another love story. While well-intentioned, telling stories of how he fell in love as a means to let me know that I will find love in my future is just down right cruel. Seriously?? Because the problem is I just don't want to let love in my life?? Yeeeaaahhh riiiighht. Deep breaths ... in and out ... deep breaths ... think happy thoughts ... happy thoughts. Good thing I don't hit small people (that was a joke people, relax).

You know what else is terrible? Cooking for one person. I mean, how do you cook a single-serving meal? You can't, that's how. Because recipes never are made for one serving ... its always "serves 4-6 people." So, I baked a delicious lasagna today ... and yes, it was in fact delicious. How do I know? Because I said so and food is my specialty. My kitchen skills far exceed my IT skills. Anyway, I digress ... the point is, I ate one piece of lasagna and now have to force myself to eat the entire lasagna for the rest of the week. That's a whole lotta lasagna.

OH, and Ann Coulter is the devil. For real's. The devil is a blonde skinny white chick. Though, is it weird that I hella enjoy Rod Blagojevich? That guy's cuckoo is way out of the clock ... I mean, dude just got impeached and he ended the press conference with a poetry quote. LOVE HIM. Hmm, this may say a lot about my taste in men.

couples...gross

Hey Winner, cheer up because I'm going to bet that all those love birds are going to be hating their married lives in a couple years. [Sorry married friends, but it's better to be warned and know it happens, than worry that you may be the only unhappy wife out there. (Sorry, husband)] Man, we are major downers. When are we going to incorporate Happy Blind Bat (you know who you are) into the blog? Feel free to change your own code name. The husband wants us to refer to him as WealthyBigPenis....yeah right.

That was a hilarious story about the "love in your future". Ha ha ha...I'm still laughing. I think I would have walked out on the party. What did you even say when he finished the story? Was THAT couple at Hollywood Nail's surprise dinner?

I'm probably going to eat dinner with THE couple and Mute tonight, for the last time. Mute is leaving in the morn. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do with all the stuff that I can't bring back to LA and I asked THE couple if they wanted anything. Do you think that is fau' pau? Like, "hey do you want all the shit I don't want anymore?" Seriously though, the husband is making me bring back 2 years of stuff in only four suitcases. Clothes, books, blankets, plates, shoes, TOILETRIES (creams, serums, makeup)...you know. Plus, husband's clothes are quite heavy to compensate for his girth. (Again, sorry husband)

The Dreaded "+1"

First off, hello to Wooing's lifelong mate. Thanks for the alert, but I pretty much say everything in front of the Husband that I say in front of you so no biggie. If I had to censor myself every time the Husband was around, we would have nothing to talk about. Husband wins today because he discovered the blog.

The "MUTE"?? haha ... now that's a good one! High five to you! I read your entry last night and couldn't figure out who the Mute was, and woke up this morning thinking about it. When does the Mute leave anyway ... he seems to be out there forever. The girl with the clubbing dad? Um, yeah, she annoys me. I don't know really why, but I can picture her telling you that story and I'm trying really hard not to roll my eyes. It is not even 8 a.m. yet ... hm, today has not started off too well.

I did kinda wake up uber cranky. Ugh. That means everything is gonna go wrong today. I best prepare myself.

I went to dinner last night for a surprise birthday dinner for Hollywood Nails thrown by Mama Nails. I love love love the 10 course banquet dinner! 888 Seafood Restaurant on the eastside gets two thumbs up.

Anyway, on to my big gripe of yesterday: the +1. Anyway, Sandy Ink sent an email re the surprise birthday party to all the girls and at the end signed off with "Mama Nails also invited everyone's +1". Now, upon reading this, I immediately had a negative reaction. Why? Um, thanks for reminding me that I don't have a +1 to take along, and why the need to pour salt in my wounds and actually force me to say (once again) that I will be attending alone? Am I being too sensitive? Bitter? Probably ... I did say I was on the verge of stretchy pants and a bird, so I feel fully justified in being annoyed with my happy friends.

I know, I know. Do I want more whine with me cheese ... blah blah blah. Shizz, I know rationally this is pretty high on the petty meter, but I have feelings and insecurities too. So a message on behalf of the single ladies to our friends in happy relationships: It would not kill anyone to say "I" instead of "WE" in a sentence every once in awhile. And when we tell you that we're feeling particularly shitty that day b/c we're lonely, try not to show too much PDA around us ... and PLEASE no need to tell stories of how you found the love of your life. We know you mean well, but really that only makes us hate you more.

Toodles.

Alert

Husband is on to us. He discovered our blog in the history window, so know that whatever you say, he will know. Hello husband.

So I accidentally ate lunch with the girl of THE couple today when I met up with the Mute and she's nice, I guess. Allegedly, her dad was the first person to bring "clubbing" to China back in the nineties or something so he gets mad props wherever he goes. He's a legend here. They are always afraid to run into the dad when they go out. Isn't that funny but quite disturbing?

Winner, I'm always cold.

Re-wiring broken radiator trumps wireless every time

Um, hello, MacGyver. WTF?!? I must bow down to the master. Hands down, you win in the battle of skillz. The only time I use my Tweezerman and double-sided tape at the same time is when I'm trying to get lucky in a skanky dress. Though, in my defense, I think you're more of a mechanic than IT.

And, who said we wouldn't talk shit about people on this blog? Do you even know me?? And, no need to show restraint just because I shared the news of the blog with our friends (hello friends). I doubt we'll get regular readers ... we're not that entertaining.

A couple of things about your most recent post:

1. You met THE couple ... haha. I find the female condescending and a little stand-offish. Bad vibes from that one -- let me know when you get to know her better and if you agree. Perhaps I met her on a PMS day and it is not a true reflection of her personality. As for the random friend who kept talking about maids ... well, I'm kind of speechless. What world does she live in??!!?? Dude, we're in a global economic crisis and the lady's measure of how much she's been affected is the number of times she can get her cleaning lady in?? You should accidentally-on-purpose trip her when she's walking.

Though, in the spirit of full disclosure, I can't hate on that girl too much because I kept my cleaning person even after I quit my job. I vowed never to clean another toilet once I started making money, so I can't go back. I gagged when you told me the story about cleaning your father-in-law's dookie stains ... so gross.

2. Billionaire hotel moguls? Uh, what world do YOU live in??!!?? AND, when do I get to meet them? I make a great concubine.

3. You can't be over the do-gooder cuz you haven't even met him yet! I like an underdog, plus he's just a decent guy all around. Although, maybe a little on the too nice side ... like this is all a big ploy to land me and then when I fall in love, he'll turn into some crazy abusive husband. Paranoid? Well, I just saw that J.Lo movie "Enough" on TV ... and well, if it is in the movies, it must be real.

AND, YAY THAT YOU'RE COMING BACK!!! That's great news! Although, that might lead to the demise of this blog ... I mean, why blog to each other when we can meet for fried pork chop?

Oh, fried pork chop! Why must you taste so delicious?

what can we talk about on the blog?

I think it's time to start talking shit about people on our blog. It was only a matter of time. For me, only my second entry. I can't believe you can still hold out. Although, I feel as though I might have to restrain a little because I noticed that you have informed our friends about our new project. Hello friends.

Anyway, I met THE couple and their dog last night. You're probably right about the girl but I was too distracted by my annoyance for this other girl who joined us for the evening. She was a nightmare, dishing out indirect insults all night. She moved here with her husband last February and she doesn't work just like me. She didn't want to seem like a brat so she was like my maid only comes twice a week and she only cleans. (Stuck up hand gestures were involved when she spoke). Um, I'm like, I don't have a maid at all. And she was like, oh, why wouldn't you? I guess you had to be there. Man, it's the morning after and I'm still annoyed.

In other news, life is proceeding as norm. A couple nights ago, I hung out with some billionaire hotel moguls, comparing net worths. Of course, I did not partake in that game. My lawyer in Switzerland, possessing all of my personal info, got blacklisted by the government yesterday. I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed in that country anymore. This is top secret, I guess I shouldn't be posting it on our blog. Lastly, my puppet master father inlaw is taking all our money and buying a house that we will live in. Mind you I'm still in China and I have not seen the house. Somehow I don't get mad anymore. Oh and yeah, btw, I'm moving back for good in January.

As for you, at least you are getting out of the apartment. Ha ha ha, I just figured out Hollywood Nails!!! Good one, high five. So, you didn't ask the do gooder to tag along. Yeah, he's out in my book. I'll give you props when you don't make contact with Blackstar for three month straight and he sends you a fat check in the mail. That's the least you deserve from him. Props for Whitestar and his skills?

Are we now competing in our tech skills? Our radiator broke. I took it apart with my Tweezermans. Rewired it (more than 5 wires involved). Added some doublestick tape in the mix. Put it back together and ta da, it works now. Pat on the back from the husband. However, I think you win, cause you can set up wireless internet.

I didn't even make it to midnight ...

Wooing, wish you were back in la la land.

Okay, so went out to Pete's Cafe & Bar for Hollywood Nail's birthday dinner. As always, the place delivers!! Delicious food without breaking the bank. I can appreciate that in light of this awful economy.

Headed over to The Association, which is apparently LA's take on snooty British social clubs. The venue was nice except there was a stank to the joint that I couldn't quite place my finger ... er, nose ... on. And why must every place be so dark these days? I felt like the old person who squints their eyes and holds the menu an arm's length away trying to read whatever small print is on the doc. You know what I mean, right? This place was so incredibly dark ... I mean, don't get me wrong. I like lounges with dim lighting ... everyone looks a little better in that weird soft haze, but this place needed to kick it up a few turns on the dimmer. How's a single gal supposed to meet a nice gent? You can't really be too cute when you're walking around with impaired vision caused not only by the dreaded beer goggles, but by the gawd awful lighting of the joint. Not to mention the lack of air circulation that did a number on me. My chronic cough and/or bronchitis decided to turn it up a notch last night, which probably didn't help in the mating department. Well, wait, didn't Nicole Kidman's character in Moulin Rouge have the consumption? And she nailed Ewan McGregor and that man is a hottie! Hm, but she did die ... alright, alright ... bad example.

C'est la vie. Oh, by the way, you'll be proud of me. I have resisted all urges to contact Blackstar and have been free of the douchbag for about a week. Not bad, eh? OH! And, Whitestar has cracked the top 100 rank of Madden online players so that means I don't have to spend hours pretending to care that some 12 year old kid is kicking his ass. You're right about him -- not only would I have to watch, I also have to like it and be engaging. And the worst part is that he restricts my internet usage while he's playing Madden, else I may affect the connection to his game. So basically, I can't go on the internet and I can't be doing any other activity except sit on the couch and watch him play. Reading is sometimes permitted, though discouraged. *sigh* Did I mention the man is in his 30s?

It looks nice out today, so am gonna try to leave the house and mitigate against the signs of depression.

Laters,
Winner

Big ups to us!

Wooing --

Dang, can it be true? You are blogging from China?? Awesome. This makes it official. We have become part of the 21st century. I'm totally proud of us ... I mean, seriously, who would've thought that the two of us would have been savvy enough to start writing our own blog? Well, the first sign of my sweet tech skills came when I set up Whitestar's wireless in his apartment ... that might have been the highlight of that entire year. My brothers still don't believe my mad IT abilities.

So, I went out last night in a failed attempt to try to hang with the young and hip kids. Remember when we'd go out without jackets in little skimpy clothing, walking like 10 blocks to the club because we didn't want to pay for valet? Well, I might have to concede to the age gods. I know the end is near because I still wore a jacket into the club even though I dropped my car off to the valet guy in the very front of this spot out in Venice. Dude, it was like 5 steps and in my head I said "I'll wear my jacket cuz I'll have to wait for the car when I get out and I don't want to be cold." PLUS, I didn't even take off the jacket once I got inside! And, get this -- spent the evening looking at other chicks wondering why they aren't cold. haha. I might need to pick up a hobby soon because I seriously am really close to an existence of stretchy pants and a bird.

I'm trying to diversify my night life, so instead of being in WeHo all the time, tonight I am heading out to downtown in celebration of Hollywood Nail's birthday. Should be interesting ... I think I will be single Sally in a group of lovey dovey couples ... ick. This means extra patron shots for me tonight.

I'm contemplating inviting the do-gooder to tonight's festivities. What do you think? Wasting my time, wasting his time, or just a universal waste of time?

I don't know ... I think I'm on track to win back-to-back days. You're sounding pretty content with the mister these days, plus sounds like you are on the verge of moving back to America permanently. Happy days are here again.

Trying not to win again,
Winner

Surprise!!!

Yay, I finally figured out the whole Chinese to English problem...by myself! Now I can blog from China.

So Blackstar has done it again, maintaining his title as the worst person in the world. At least he's pretty consistent with the jerk moves. Consistent and creative. I still can't believe he bought two cars. I can't wait to see how he explains this one. As for Whitestar, at least he has a job now so who really cares what he does with his free time. Unless, he makes you watch him break into the top 100. ha ha ha...that sounds like something he would do and you would have to like it too.

I guess you win this time cause life isn't too bad today, but it's early. I'm just sitting here waiting for the guy with the fucked up teeth (that's how me and the mister refer to the building's rental agent) to bring some people to look at the apartment. Hopefully, they can take over our lease and then we are outta here!

I'm so proud of us, well, mostly you. We figured out how to blog.

Lots of free time = bad thoughts

Yo Wooing --

So, it is Friday night and I haven't left the house in two days. Yay for me. I am in a major funk, as is usual. I did nothing today but obsess about my weight, my height, and my features ... which then turned into a game of "if I were only [blank], then he'd fall in love with me." And you know who "he" is ... let's call my 7 year failure, oh, I don't know "Blackstar" cuz he's got a black heart. Okay, maybe he's not all bad ... but he's a deadbeat. Remember in my glory days and I gave him all that money? And, now that I'm desperately poor and asked him to help me out? Well, Blackstar wins douchebag of the year. Instead of helping me out with some green, he has bought yet another car. Yes, another car. I swear, that guy has no conscience. *sigh*

Anyway, the other dude in my life ... let's call him "Whitestar." Homeboy thinks he's got pneumonia cuz he inherited my yearly cough. You know, the one I get every year that lasts two months around this time? Yep, he's got it and thinks he's gonna die. Oh, and get this. He was up all night last night on the Wii playing Madden for several hours and proclaimed that his goal for 2009 is to break the top 100 rankings for online players. The man is in his 30s. I sure know how to pick them, huh? On the plus side, he's going to happy hour and doesn't want to drink cuz he thinks somehow alcohol is going to kill him while he's got this cough. Eh, whatever it takes to get him off the bottle is okay with me.

What's up with you?

My life sucks,
Winner