I love him too!

He's so cute. I didn't get to watch him on Ellen but I saw him talking about Real Housewives of Atlanta a long time ago and it was the cutest thing. Finally, a man we have in common.

Foot massage sucked big ass today. Poor Florida. Her lady left her in the middle of the massage to chat with some city official for 20 minutes. We were so mad. You would have hated it because it was like someone gently rubbing lotion on your feet. Well, I haven't given up on foot massages yet.

Worst. Interview. Ever.

I don't know if I've become more conservative in my older age, but I went on an interview at an internet company yesterday and just could not get with the flow. I thought I could do relaxed and unstructured ... I think some people call this organized chaos. I love the idea of jeans and flip-flops to work everyday, so why didn't this place suit me?

Well, first I do a phone interview on a Saturday while the lady is walking her dog in the rain ... lots of heavy breathing coupled with intermittent screams at the dog. Lovely. I must really be desperate for work.

A couple of days later I go into the office for an in-person interview, wherein the receptionist/accountant (yes, the accountant is also the receptionist) person tells me within the first 10 minutes of meeting her that she can't wait to get the hell of out here. Hm ... not a good sign. Not to be outdone by the angry combo receptionist-accountant, the dog-walking lady has me meet several other people who appeared outwardly annoyed at having to be a part of this interview. Future co-workers? Great. About 90 minutes later, the dog-walking lady interrupts a conversation to inform me that she needs to step out, and tells my last interviewer to just walk me out when we're finished. A quick thank you, and off she goes ... I think, "wow, she's really busy ... she must be on her way to a meeting."

I finish up and make my way out of the building ... and guess where dog-walking lady was? ON A FRICKEN SMOKE BREAK!! Can you believe that shizz?? She couldn't even muster the courtesy of waiting 5 minutes to formally end our interview before she went on a smoke break. *sigh*

I have a feeling that my unemployment days are here to stay.

Anderson Cooper Is My Other Half.

OMG ... I love love love Anderson Cooper! Did you catch him on Ellen DeGeneres today? Well, he was on it and talked about his favorites shows American Idol, Real Housewives, and Law and Order: SVU!!

Uh, hello Anderson Cooper ... how'd you get into my Tivo?

The Leader Of The Free World Is In Cahoots With UNC

We are less than 24 hours from the beginning of March Madness. Have you filled out your bracket?

Well, the Prez has ... AND he hates the Pac-10. I felt so sad when he called a VCU over UCLA upset in the first round! How dare he?!? I guess the President really is like every other man in my life ... always a disappointment. GO BRUINS.



On a side note, I kinda dig the fact that his bracket also has a presidential seal. What an elitist.

Country-fried American Idol

My man is back with a hot performance! Whew! Yay for Anoop because another bad performance would've meant a one-way ticket back to Chapel Hill.

And, in another random twist, I kinda enjoyed Corkrey-Corky-Corkscrew this week ... yeah, I was surprised with myself but the song was kinda catchy and she only swiggled once (probably because she had the flu), which tempered my hateration for her.

Uh, Alexis? She looks weird to me and is utterly unlikeable. Eat a sandwich and get rid of the pink hair tips.

Real Housewives Of New York ... Love It Or Hate It?

Bravo has given me so much in my life ... Top Chef, Project Runway, and the entire Real Housewives series. I don't want to like it, but I can't help myself ... I'm an addict for the crazies.

What's up with the Countess? Gawd, someone needs to push her off her high horse. Though, I won't lie ... if I was a Countess, I'd probably make everyone call me Countess just for shizz and giggles.

And, surprisingly, I'm liking Betheny now. I was not a fan before, but I'm kinda digging her angry, bitter, cynical ass self. Bitch on, bitch.

Ramona?!? Stop with the sugar booger cuz your eyes are gonna pop out of your head if you snort anymore lines. Is it just me?

Alex and Simon ... oh, Alex and Simon ... weird meets weirder.

Finally, my favorite gal of the show: Jill! Chatterbox Jill is hilarious and is probably the Long Island version of NeNe from Atlanta ... talks hella trash about anything and everything. LOVE HER.

Oh, and the new one? BORING.

Depression Central; Population: Me

So, I was watching Oprah today and it turns out that I meet Dr. Oz's five signs of depression. SWEET. Here's the test, in case you want to also self-diagnose yourselves:

• Lack of Energy. Are you more sluggish than normal?
• Weight Gain or Loss. Have you been eating more or less than you're supposed to?
• Trouble Sleeping. Do you have trouble falling asleep? Or trouble getting out of bed?
• Lack of Concentration. Do you have trouble keeping your mind focused?
• Apathy. Have you lost the love, the zest, for the hobbies you have in your life?

I kinda feel like all my problems really stem from my inherent laziness, so perhaps I'm not depressed but just REALLY freakishly abnormally lazy. Is there a pill for lazy?

And, according to my pregnant friends, these are also all nasty side effects of having a parasite growing inside you. I'm gonna write a book and call it "Fat And Tired? You're Pregnant and/or Depressed." I think it'll be a top seller.

AIG ... Please Die Already.

WTF AIG?!?

So, again, I ask ... who is running the PR for all these banks and financial firms?? Hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses to AIG employees, in the aftermath of taking over $170 BILLION in bailout money?

Seriously. Something is SO wrong. I don't care about what's in their employment contracts ... if the American government can commit torture and subvert the constitution, I'm pretty sure the government can do something to modify these employment contracts to avoid paying AIG bonuses. Give me a fricken break ... these schmucks should just be happy they still have a job in this economy!

Beating Frog Heart ...

Sounds pretty nasty, huh? My main man Andrew Zimmerman (from Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman) was in Thailand in this last episode I saw, and he ate some crazy ass shizz ... beating frog heart, stir-fried bats, animal innards ... but the thing that made him actually gag?!? DURIAN! haha.

Now, I hate fresh durian because the smell is so utterly nasty ... like sewer meets feet meets public toilet. Disgusting and definitely gag worthy. But, the fruit is surprisingly kinda sweet and once you get over the smell, its not so bad. So, I couldn't believe how weak sauce A. Zimmerman was when he couldn't even eat a small piece of durian! Uh, he ate a frog heart that was literally still beating! But he couldn't take durian?

Man, surprise-surprise. Perhaps I'm ready to eat a frog heart ...

I'm Thinking Of Doing A Cleanse ...

As we all know, I was the recipient of a lovely counter-top deep fryer not too long ago and just dang lost my mind going into a frying frenzy. It was way sick, and "sick" not in a good way like the kids talk these days. I ate fried chicken everyday for a week and probably cut off two years of my life because of this.

On top the whole clogging artery thing, I ended up getting a pimple right on the outside of my lip ... pretty gross, eh? Yes, the nasty oil drippings of fried chicken caused a pimple near my mouth. Yeah, yeah, I'm disgusting ... deal with it.

As if this isn't bad enough, it gets SO much worse. I'm pretty vain and at the first sign of a possible pimple, I go into like DEFCON 5 on this bitch ... I mean, I'm attacking this bad boy with Pro Activ, Murad spot treatment, Mario Badescu drying lotion ... the whole effin shebang. I'm already thinking people are staring at this ginormous volcano of a pimple, so I also start to get very paranoid. Not good, friendo.

So, I arrive in San Francisco and am pretty excited to spend some time with Whitestar. You know what he says to me? "DUDE, YOU GOT HERPS." Aw, the love of my life ... he sure does have a way with words, eh?

Which leads me to the conclusion that when a pimple gets mistaken for herpes, its probably time to go on a rapid diet. I'm thinking a master cleanse will do me some good. I lasted about three days the last time I tried this and I was Crankmaster General to the tenth degree. Basically, you're on notice ... if these posts start to become noticeably more aggressive, impatient and angry, it means I'm on the cleanse and will not re-emerge until I regain my sanity (i.e., eat solid food again).

Wish me luck.

A house of Maynards, my dream come true. Another reason to get a maid too. This Maynard is super cute. Is he still available? You and my sister keep on sending me pictures of cute dogs. I think she wants me to raise some pets for her too. Oh man, poor hubby.

Dude, you really have to have a long torso to pull off those boobs. She has an abnormally long torso cause she has the boobs, yet you can still see a couple inches of belly with button. GROSS! Why do you want to look at that?

Lastly, I just need to comment on our friend, Hollywood Nails. Tell me if this is not exactly what you expect from her. Okay, so she rides her bike to dinner last night. She takes off her helmet (glamorously) and sits down across from me. Immediately, I notice all the shiny things radiating from her upper body. She has a diamond tennis bracelet, a diamond watch, a huge pair of diamond earrings with an even bigger diamond pendant to match on her neck, a huge ring on her left hand, and a diamond encrusted band on her right hand. Got the picture. I'm like, she's riding her bike alone in the dark, when diamonds are extra sparkly. Some insane person could just pull her off her cute little bike and jack her for 200+ G's . Our friend is crazy but I guess that will always be her style. Sorry Hollywood Nails if I just told everyone about this but I'm only saying, I like how you operate.

Okay, come back soon.

Gross, right?

Uh, is this for real? I saw this on http://www.collegehumor.com/ and I couldn't stop staring at this lady! I mean, I know that the boobies are obviously fake, but why would someone want to do this to themselves? And do dudes really like this?

I guess there really is someone for everyone.

Meet Franklin AKA Maynard.

Can you stand the cuteness?

Wooing, when you get a home, we are going to rescue a whole boat load of these furry creatures. I'm just going to start bringing them over and then accidentally-on-purpose leave them at your house. I'm sure Husband will catch on, but he's a softie ... how can he say no to that face?

Yes, Models Sweat!

The blogosphere has been going a little crazed over the fact that the hawtness Miranda Kerr ... wait for it ... sweats! HAHA. I mean, I get that she is fricken beautiful and a Victoria's Secret hottie, but why all the surprise over a little bit of armpit wetness?

I, for one, am happy that she's human and has sweat glands.

Good Riddance, Madoff.

Good news all around today! Anoop survives American Idol (barely) and Bernie Madoff pleads guilty and is finally in the slammer. It's about hot damn time!

If all you get after screwing people out of $64 billion buckaroos is home arrest in your $7 million New York penthouse ... shizz, getting arrested doesn't sound so bad.

Surprised At All?

Aw, the unity that is Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have come to a demise. Dang! There was so much potential ... I mean, they had the whole knocked-up-teenage-drop-out-from-the-meth-capital-while-your-mom's-campaigning-against-sex-education-on-the-Republican-ticket thing on their side ... with all that hypocrisy, I thought survival was imminent. Oh well.

I wonder how the Palin 2012 committee is reacting to all of this ...

Are Anoop's Days Numbered?

I didn't get to watch American Idol last night because Whitestar decided to go on a 4 hour Madden-athon, and since I didn't program it on his Tivo and could not interrupt his game to manually hit record, I had to wait until this morning to watch clips on YouTube.

What'd we think?

I was kinda bored by everyone, truth be told. And poor Anoop ... the judges hated him. While his version of Beat It wasn't all that exciting, it wasn't all that bad either ... not nearly as bad as the blogs or judges made it out to be.

You know who's a snorefest? Michael Sarver and Kris Allen ... boring and more boring.

Domestic Violence Makes Good Music?

I hate to get on my soapbox, but did you hear this latest shizz on the Rihanna-Chris Brown saga?

They're making a duet! Something about overcoming challenges in their relationship. Lovely. Maybe it should be called "My Fist Loves Your Face Too Much."

*sigh* Seriously, what is wrong with this picture?!? Its been only 4 weeks and they're already in the studio recording together? Truth be told, I don't feel sorry for Rihanna anymore ... she's got millions in the bank with legions of fans praying for her safety and recovery, not to mention that she's garnered the sympathy of pretty much anyone in the industry. So, if she's gonna exploit this whole mess, why not just do it alone? Why share it with the dude that gave you an ass whooping? She could've went the Mary J. Blige route and come out with a "No More Drama" song and it'd become the anthem for survivors. Instant millions.

Speaking Of Annoying Actresses ...

Renee Zellweger totally belongs on the list of most annoying actresses ever. I just finished watching this movie called Appaloosa ... don't waste your time. Its got an all star cast with Viggo Mortenson, Ed Harris, and Jeremy Iron, but naturally, Zellweger is the curse of death (much like Amanda Peet) and so the movie is a total flop.

I think Zellweger's way worse than Kiera Knightly, and she might be my number one. No, never mind. I forgot about Hilary Swank ... she definitely takes the top spot on my list of most annoying actresses. That episode of The Office where they talk about whether Swank's hot or not was hilarious! I knew I wasn't the only one that felt this way about her.

For Sure, Totally Pathetic.

Yes, welcome to city of loser-dome; population: me.

At the end of the day, its not so bad ... yes, I have to return to a profession I hate and yes, I have to concede that I'm a bit of a failure, BUT Whitestar is very excited about my return to the bay and when he's happy, I'm happy. I'm just grateful he'll let me mooch off of him for awhile until I find something more permanent ... or until my culinary and/or writing dreams come to fruition, which ever happens first. Plus, maybe I can finally get Maynard! And, I get to eat porchetta sandwiches every Saturday at the Farmer's Market, which is also a nice draw. I'll know for sure at the beginning of April, since I'll have to give notice to my landlord. The Hmongs! Awww ... that seems like so long ago.

My biggest fear? The last time I moved in with a dude was in college (remember, Racer X?) and that lasted about 4 months before we broke up ... we never quite bounced back after that. AND, if Whitestar and I don't make it, guess where I'm headed? HOME. Bless my parents, but we're better off in different houses.

Who won't be happy about this move? Blackstar. But again, perhaps another blessing in disguise. The man's got an ego the size of a continent, so truth be told, he probably won't even notice (much less care) that I moved in with another dude.

but but but....

...but, what can I do? I wish I worked or had a home. At least you could stay with me for a couple months if I had a home. Ha ha ha...we are so sad. Well, I understand why you have to move but I can't believe it's really going to happen. You are a total trendsetter. Hey man, me too, me too. I haven't worked in two years. I'm a little ashamed to admit. I'm not positive, but I think it's safe to say that graphic designers are even less in demand than lawyers right now. When will you know for sure? Remember unpacking all your stuff into the Larrabee apartment when you first moved back to LA all those years ago, the bison frise, Hmongs, and the landlord who survived brain surgery and then bought sheets from SAKS? Dude, that was a long time ago.

Toblerone all the way! You're creative. How delicious.

On a different note, Florida told me that there are hour-long foot massages for $15!!! Total illegal immigrants but do you want to try it or have you tried it already? She said that it's pretty good. We can ask her more about it on Thursday. Apparantly, I've been out of the country for too long and everyone knows about this activity already. Did you...probably.

Will Work For Rent

Wooing, I don't want to move back to San Francisco either. I'm pretty distraught over this latest development, but I don't know what else to do. The economy is terrible and out of work lawyers have flooded the market. Remember the bloodbath that recently happened at Latham? While the layoffs were shocking in number, it wasn't unusual. Two major law firms dissolved in 2008, and most firms have already engaged in one or more rounds of layoffs (including my old firm) ... so, there's just a lot of us sitting around.

If I had known we were on the brink of a major recession, I would not have quit at the very beginning of it. Go figure, eh? I actually read the other day that the recession began sometime at the end of 2007, so on the upside, I can continue to claim that I am officially a trend setter. Unemployment is sooooo in season right now.

I know May is pretty soon, but I think I will have tapped out of every penny I have access to in April ... so really, I'll be starting the move in April. I am holding out hope for a couple of employment opportunities that are in the works, but its pretty competitive and I'm kind of high risk ... apparently, the whole not-working-for-over-a-year is bad for the resume. Dude, that just means I'm really well-rested and charged up to work again ... a total positive, right?

Anyway, on to happier subjects: chocolate. I'm thinking a chocolate molten cake with a Ferrero Rocher in the middle of it ... it'll be gooey and hazel nutty ... yum! Or, a Toblerone-filled molten cake ... which will be made in your honor since you're Joey (remember that episode where he kept eating it?). Wait, since I'm unemployed these days, does this make me Joey now? Oh, financial stability ... why are you evading me?

wait, what?

You are moving? What the hell? Since when? NO! I refuse. Did you get a job there? Living with Whitestar? I'm freaking out right now. Can you tell? Also, May? That's so soon.

Yes, I love cake! Yes, Katherine Heigl is most definitely in the K. Knightley league of annoying, which is why I didn't watch the movie until now. Yeah, I'll eat your experiments with cake.

Wooing, Its Just Hormones

Crying through Knocked Up is not unusual ... its your hormones. In fact, I watched Knocked Up last week (you know, me and Husband are really in sync with our movie choices), and although Katherine Heigl is on my most hated actresses list, I rather enjoyed the flick. Plus, I can tell your reaction is hormone-based because if the worse your husband threatens you with is fantasy baseball, I say hells to the yeah! He ain't humpin' around, and quite frankly, you'll probably enjoy the space. I suspect you are two steps away from suffocating him with a pillow at night. Besides, tell Husband he needs to grow a pair and that HE should be nicer to you. Uh, remember when we went to go buy a microwave and Husband was like "we should get one." And you had to remind him that you have owned one for years, and if he ever went into the kitchen, he would know this tidbit? Yeah, you've paid your dues with cleaning and cooking after this fella ... your time to be pampered is way overdue!

While I don't like that you're homeless, I can't help but be a little happy that maybe my Glendale plan for you will work out after all. Glendale is a lot closer to West Hollywood than Arcadia! Though, with the caveat that I may have to move back to San Francisco in May, which will make this whole Glendale-Arcadia debate moot.

Cheer up, Wooing. Your spirits sound low which means its time for you to get out and be amongst the people. How do you feel about chocolate? I've moved on from fried chicken to chocolate molten cake ... we can cry over bad movies while sampling my taste creations. I've got a two-disc masterpiece theater version of Pride and Prejudice that has our names written all over it.

Does Anyone Still Watch Meet The Press?

After Tim Russert passed last year, I knew Meet The Press would never be the same ever again. I absolutely adored Russert and how excitable he would get over all things politics ... as cynical as I am, I always appreciated people who were genuinely passionate about their craft. And, this guy was definitely passionate. RIP, Tim Russert.

Now that I've got that love and feeling out of the way, let's discuss David Gregory. He is ruining MTP! Although, he's better than Tim Brokaw ... but that's not really saying much. I'm trying to stay faithful to MTP, but I just can't with David Gregory anchoring this bad boy. He's awful. What happened to my main man, Chuck Todd? Who, by the way, kinda looks like Lucas from Days of our Lives. Yes, I did cross-reference Meet The Press with Days of our Lives ... what can I say? I'm a complex woman.

And, uh, Newt Gingrich on the panel this weekend? WTF? Newt, you've been absent from politics for some time and there's a reason for this. You're a douchebag. Go far far away and please don't come back. After watching him, I pretty much spend the next hour ranting about all things wrong with America to anyone that will listen (and there's not many that will actually listen to my nonsense). Its not pretty.

Jason Linkins of HuffPo always does a really funny review on the Sunday morning talk shows, so in case you are ever feeling politic-y, have a read: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/08/tv-soundoff-sunday-talkin_n_172824.html. Plus, he shares in my sadness and disgust for the current state of Meet The Press.

Monday Update

Hi Winner. Sorry I've been away. You know me. I haven't been feeling well this week. Anyway, I DO NOT share your excitement about Anoop. He's whatever to me, however, that clip was hilarious mostly because of that little guy.

Let's see. Husband watched Knocked Up (I know it's really old) this weekend and woke me up the next morning by saying, "I'm making you watch Knocked Up tonight because you need to see what a bitch you are and if you're not nicer to me, I'm going to sneak out and play fantasy baseball with my friends." He's refering to Katherine Heigl's sister. So I watched it and I couldn't stop crying, like balling crying, because I felt her pain. The whole time, Husband kept on saying, "eh, eh, is that you?" Isn't that mean?

Anyway, good news. I don't think we are going to get the Arcadia house. They countered back with a ridiculous price so we're back to homeless.

Congrats on mastering the perfect fried chicken!

I Might Be A Stalker

Okay, I have issues. Since I have perfected my fried chicken recipe (marinade at least 12 hours in buttermilk-hotsauce mixture and dredged in a 10 spice flour concoction), I've moved on to my latest obsession: Anoop Desai from American Idol. I can't help myself ... he's so adorable.

I have decided that Anoop and I are soulmates. Why? Because his college thesis was 60 pages on the history of southern barbeque. How awesome is that? I love food and the man wrote 60 fricken pages on barbeque! Who knew I'd find my soulmate in a 22 year old American Idol wannabe? Anoop, I heart you.

So, in the middle of stalking Anoop on the internets, I came across this clip which made me love him even more: a YouTube video of him singing with the UNC Clef Hangers. IT IS HILARIOUS ... though, I'm not sure if it was intentionally funny or not, but still quite enjoyable. Keep an eye out for the three-footer on the right hand corner ... he looks about 10 but apparently still a Tar Heel.

India Is The New Black

Hollywood is sooooo in love with all things Indian right now ... its kinda pathetic how they've managed to take such a beautiful culture and somehow transform it into a commercial whore. Oh, Hollywood. What to do with you?

After seeing Slumdog Millionaire, I would randomly break out in dance while singing "Jai Ho." It would really annoy Whitestar because it would happen anywhere ... before we went to bed, in the shower, while he was playing Madden ... just whenever my heart felt like it needed to sing. HAHA. I couldn't help myself! The song is unbelievably catchy and because it closes out the movie, you walk away with it in your head. So, to my surprise and shock, I read a couple of weeks ago that the PUSSYCAT DOLLS were making a remake of the song ... yes, the half-naked chicks who asked the proverbial question "dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"

I finally heard PCD's version and I won't lie ... I still like it. Makes me wanna dance!

In case you're interested in hearing the remix, here it is:

Snoop Snoop Anoop!!

I LOVE ANOOP DESAI!! Oh, American Idol ... you sure have hooked me this season. This guy is dork central, but he's fricken adorable ... and man, can he work a crowd. I think he's got that underdog thing going for him because the crowd went WILD and I found myself smiling through his entire performance. The man's got heart, my friends. And while I don't normally root for Carolina blue, I did like that he shouted out Chapel Hill and did a Duke-Carolina rivalry reference to Kara (who is a former Duke-y).

I think it might be Anoop's year! I'm going to India in April; Slumdog Millionaire killed at the Oscars; and Anoop came back from the dead ... I think the stars are aligned.

Oh, and what's up with Corkrey or Corkscrew or whatever her name is?? She's doing that annoying ass jiggle of hers ... you know what I'm talking about. The hip-duck-wagging thing ... ugh, all season of this?!? Let's get rid of her soon ... I'm not into the whiny-so-called-singing voice ... its close to the robot voice and we all know how much I hate that shizz.

Eminem's Back. A Sad Day For Music.

I just read on Perez Hilton that Eminem is releasing a new album this spring ... um, why? I had to investigate because I just don't understand why people think Eminem is a good rapper. HE'S NOT. I'm sure he is an amazing producer and can come up with some pretty good beats, but a lyrical genius? Spare me. Remember this gem of a rhyme?

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti

Heavy and spaghetti? WOW ... that's way deep. I think I just lost ten IQ points discussing this topic.

Justice?

So, the big news of the day thus far is that Chris Brown was charged with two felonies: assault because he clearly kicked Rihanna's ass, and making criminal threats because he said something along the lines of "I'm gonna kill you bitch."

Apparently dude has been giving Rihanna the beat down for quite some time, and all the pics of Rihanna with herpes on her lips? The new rumor is that it actually wasn't herpes but a split lip, courtesy of a Brown beating. *sigh* Rihanna!! Lady, what are you doing?!? He kicked your ass because of a text HE received from another girl? Yeah, that sure makes a lot of sense.

Well, I'm happy to know that LA County District Attorney didn't wuss out and went ahead with charging this douche bucket. Now, we just have to wait to see if Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, John Yoo, and W get indicted for all their handy work in subverting the constitution. You know ... violating civil rights, lying about weapons of mass destruction, committing war crimes, lying some more about it, getting us into a totally unnecessary war costing us almost a trillion buckaroos, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. No, that wasn't a movie ... and yes, it really did happen. Let's cross our fingers that the Justice Department gets it right and then justice really will be served all around.

Perhaps I'll finally regain my belief in the nobility of my profession. HAHAHA ... yeah, right. Sorry, I can't say that with a straight face.

You Got Served CNBC!

Watch The Daily Show last night? Jon Stewart was en fuego! Aw, I am in love with him! My ideal mate would be someone with the swagger of Stringer Bell from The Wire (HBO, bring this show back!) combined with the wit of Jon Stewart and Ricky Gervais. In other words, a smart, sarcastic, and funny drug dealer. H.O.T. If you're out there, call me.

Here's a clip from last night's show where Stewart goes to town on CNBC, with a nice eff you at the end.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

Real or Fake?

One of the funniest videos on YouTube EVER. Probably because I have been cursed with the old adage "always a bridesmaid, never a bride." I have been a bridesmaid in 10 weddings, made three toasts, and been to more bachelorette parties than I like to admit. With each wedding, I get more bitter. I can't help it ... I'm a bad person. So what. Bite me.

Watch the video, especially if you feel a little hateration today. I guarantee you'll replay it more than once! I actually think it might be real ... what say you?

Bizarre Foods Makes Me Hungry

I am totally obsessed with The Travel Channel's Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman. This guy is insane. Basically, dude goes around the world and eats the local delicacies ... you know, a traveling Fear Factor.

On this episode, he's in Uganda eating all kinds of random intestines and field rats. At one point, he is offered the small intestine of a goat ... yummers! He's a bit hesitant and unsure whether the intestine has been thoroughly cleaned, and after tasting it, he says "mmm, definitely still some food in there ... if I really worked hard at it, I could probably guess what that goat had for dinner before it got killed. I've had braised goat innards before, but never this rustic. That's goat-y." HAHA. Dude, the guy didn't even make a gagging noise after he tasted it! So hardcore.

Is it weird that I feel like eating now? Whitestar always says that I would be the only person who would ever receive chemotherapy and come out gaining weight. Yeah, I'm a survivor. Although, is he calling me fat? I've been very sensitive to this issue lately. The other day Blackstar and I were talking and I mention that I might go for a run, to which he responds "What?!? YOU run?" As if I don't know how to run ... what the shizz? He was really surprised, like outrageously flabbergasted by this fact! So, I was like "dude, are you calling me fat." And he says "NOOOO, I'm just surprise you run because you never mention it." Not, "NO, don't be silly, you're a skinny minnie" or "NO, of course you're not fat." Yeah, I didn't get a denial of this which means that he did intend to say that if I had run, why do I still look like a do. Rat-fricken-bastard. What did I do in response? I ate, of course. It's a sick cycle.

Anyway, my quest for the perfect fried chicken continues. I have put my chicken in a buttermilk-hotsauce marinade over night and have prepared a 9 spice flour mix to dredge the chicken in. I'm pretty excited, but that's not saying much. If I get up and shower, its been a big day for me.

Where do you find these gems? That guy is so cute. I've already begged for a baby bulldog and a cesar dog for months. It's a big no! Unless...you buy a Maynard for me as a gift, then I have to keep him. Oooooh, that's good. I mean I'll give you the money and you just surprise me with it one day. What do you think? Husband might resent you forever but who cares, we have a Maynard.

Btw, I was not trying to battle with you earlier today. You totally always win in the days close to your birthday. It's not even worth trying. But, that was a pretty good story about your panties and cleaning crew. Ha ha ha. sorry.

I Miss The Drama Of The Election.

Is that weird? I think I miss the passion and drama ... something about the fire in my belly during the election. And, probably because I just got off a conference call with the Obama campaign staff in Ohio. Oh the memories!

So, in honor of all the good times I had pounding pavement in Appalachia, I watched Right America, Feeling Wronged -- Some Voices From The Campaign Trail, an HBO documentary by Alexandra Pelosi (yes, daughter of the infamous House Speaker Nancy Pelosi). She followed McCain-Palin through several states and interviewed supporters from across the country. Um, I don't want to say that ALL McCain-Palin supporters are moronic, but there sure are plenty of them around.

What did I learn from McCain-Palin supporters? They often cannot spell, as evidenced from their signs and posters. They believe that Obama is Hitler or the Anti-Christ, or maybe even both. I think someone said he was the Anti-Christ like Hitler. Finally, they don't know what socialism is (nor do they know how to spell it -- see my first point) and when asked to define it, this was the best definition: "It's basically the view of Hitler, between Communism and I don't know the other word." Awesome. That's "real" America, folks.

I'm a political junkie so I loved it. Two thumbs up.

Aw, Look At Maynard!

Cute, no?



Hey, Wooing, even though you tricked me into believing that you may move out to Glendale which is a hundred times closer to me, I will forgive you for getting my hopes up. And, you can make it up to me by adopting this dog and letting me come over to play with him whenever I want. Better let Husband know so I don't catch him in the middle of any weird private acts.

Wooing Strikes Again

Wooing,

Glad that you have resurfaced and have rejoined the blogosphere! Blogging alone is one step away from talking to myself ... and that's just two shakes from stretchy pants and a bird, my friend.

You think I'm Rihanna! AWESOME. I think she's really hot! Oh wait, you don't mean that as a compliment, do you? Yeah, yeah, I can see how one would compare Blackstar to Chris Brown, in that Chris Brown totally effs with Rihanna and she comes back to him anyway even if dude is a total rat bastard. Alright, I'm messed up in the head. I never said I wasn't but its getting better and 2009 will be the last year that I shed any tears for this awful man. It'll be bye bye Blackstar in 2010! You definitely said you'd cut me off at 32, which at the time you told me (several years ago) seemed like a long time away ... but ugh, we are already just eleven months from this occurrence. *sigh* How did I get here again?!?

Aw, you like Whitestar! I knew deep down in his sarcastic bitter heart that there was a nice guy, and the nice guy is slowly emerging. Although his awful Madden obsession continues, I haven't had to suffer as much. We've worked out a compromise where he only plays a couple of hours a night. While it doesn't sound like much of a compromise, it is a drastic improvement over before where he'd play ALL night AND I' d have to watch and cheer him on. Those days are over, thank gawd. Do you think Whitestar is my Goldstar?!?

By the way, something is WRONG with you, and its not the grey sweatpants you live in (I can't judge since I live in my Taiwanese house dress). YOU DON'T THINK BRODY IS HOT? That's just un-American.

Millionaire Matchmaker? Gross and grosser. I can't stand her. I think she's worse than Kiera Knightly ... she's definitely in the Hilary Swank realm of annoying.

You think you hate your life? I'm having the best of worst days ever. The couple that comes to clean my place came by today in a sorta surprise visit. Apparently, they've been coming on Tuesdays, but they used to come on Thursdays, and have been coming on this new Tuesday schedule since the first of the year ... how did I miss this? Goes to show how observant I am these days. Anyway, so as I did not expect them, I was lounging around all nasty in some granny panties and a dirty T-shirt. Door opens, I do a mini scream, cleaning guy drops the broom, I jump up off my couch, forget that I'm wearing my granny panties, scream again in horror, and then cover myself up with a blanket. My only consolation is that I didn't pop a tiggo bitty out, or else I'd really be embarassed ... cuz its not embarassing enough already that someone actually saw me in my granny panties. GAWD, I am turning beet red just thinking about it all over again.

Oh, and I got rejected from that teaching fellowship I applied to in San Francisco.

Yeah, bring it sister, because in today's showdown of whose life sucks more, I totally win today.

Blackstar IS Chris Brown

I'm only putting this out there in hopes that you will listen to your own advice. You are Rihanna. Yes, you don't have a black eye or a bloody lip but you have almost 10 years of emotional scarring. I don't know which is worse. Do you really want to get married? Well then, you need to cut him off because he is holding you back. Did we say that I was going to cut you off at 32 or 35? I forgot but I think it was 32, which means you have only this year to get rid of him for good. I mean it! (I'm saying this in a stern voice and mean face.)

Anyway, I don't watch the Bachelor but I keep seeing clips of him making out with girls on tv. He's gross. Also, all the girls look alike to me. Brody Jenner is NOT attractive. Nadya Suleman needs to go away and I'm enjoying American Idol. Man, I've been out of the country for almost two years and I sure did miss reality tv. Do you watch Millionaire Matchmaker? I don't, but isn't that girl with the bangs and big lips annoying? Man, she is up there with Keira Knightley.

Let's see. What have I been doing? I'm at the peak of being the most disgusting person in the world. Husband has to remind me to change my clothes sometimes because I basically live in my grey sweats. Oh, we made an offer on a house this morning. You will be disappointed to know that it is down the street from my mom's house. I secretly hope that we won't get it even though it's the best house we've seen. We went to look at it late last night. All parents along with furry white dog were present...I hate my life. We try to ditch the parents but they keep on inviting themselves to look at houses with us.

Any special plans this week? Oh, I just wanted to tell you that Whitestar was really pleasant this weekend. I enjoyed seeing him but don't tell him I said that. Plus, he's so sweet to you. It's kinda gross, like how we always make the throw up face at people in love. It's okay, you deserve it.

Did You Watch The Bachelor? DRAMA!

Alright, Jason Mesnick is not the "good guy" everyone made him out to be. I get it, dude got dumped by some janky Bachelorette, but this guy went above and beyond the call of douchery on last night's show.

So, here's the recap: Douchebag picks Melissa over Molly; Melissa and D-bag are engaged; hella weeks later, all parties return to After The Rose Finale Show; D-bag dumps Melissa; D-bag confesses his love for Molly; Molly and D-bag are back together.

Yes, three hours of my life that I will never get back.

I was rooting for Molly the entire time, so it was quite shocking when he picked the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Melissa at the end ... okay, not that shocking cuz she is, after all, a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. Melissa is cute, but she doesn't seem too bright ... kind of reminds me of Audrina from The Hills, don't you think? Plus, all her answers to the Mesnick clan seemed so pageant-like and forced. And, poor Molly! Why beg? Its so unattractive and it never works. Lady, keep it together and have some dignity for gawd's sake ... America is watching.

And, was anyone else annoyed with the Mesnick clan? I, in particular, was not a fan of Mama Mesnick. She was all like "ooohh, Molly's all career-oriented" and "well, you know, Melissa seems more family oriented." HELLO?!? When did those two traits become mutually exclusive? I can have a career AND love my family. It is 2009 people!

I knew this Jason Mesnick character was too good to be true. He does, after all, have an ex-wife and is exploiting his cute little kid for chicks. He faked a relationship with Melissa so that he could dump her on national TV. I mean, what about some notice? Someone sure doesn't understand the concept of saving face. And, if he's all in love with Molly, why'd he break her heart so unnecessarily when he picked Melissa in the first place? AND, he made Molly look all desperate and pathetic, first begging him to pick her and then taking his sorry ass back AFTER he proposed to another chick!

I don't know. I'm gonna call it like I see it, and Jason rates pretty high on the dick-o-meter.

Brody Is Single Again?!?

Can it be true? Did Brody and all of his hotness finally drop Jayde Nicole? I just read on Pink Is The New Blog that Brody and Jayde have answered the prayers of lonely singles all around the world ... they are back on the market!!

I think its only fair, after all. The world got Megan Fox when she dumped David Silver of 90210 fame, and the ladies got David Silver ... hm, he just doesn't do much for me. And, as a side note, Donna Martin should totally graduate.

So, at least I can now dream about Brody Jenner cuz that man is en fuego sizzling H.O.T. Well, come to think of it, we may have Brody to drool over but the fellas get Jadye Nicole and Megan Fox. Hm, well played, boys. You clearly win this battle 2-1.

RIHANNA, You Are An Idiot.

Are you kidding me, Rihanna??? After receiving a beat down from Chris Brown, you're going back to him? WHY?!? I tried not to believe the earlier reports, but now there are pics of you and Chris getting on and off a private jet TOGETHER?

(report and picture from TMZ.com)

Lady, I just don't get it. You're hot. You're rich. You have millions of adoring fans. And, did I mention you're rich? So, what's the problem here? Why would you want to publicly humiliate yourself while disappointing your millions of adoring fans and asking to get another beating? Cuz, we all know that this isn't the first time and it sure isn't going to be the last time his fist makes contact with your face. If this is the road you intend to head down, I suggest you get insurance on that money maker of yours stat.

Look, I don't know if the rumors are true, but Rihanna, if you're preggers ... you don't need Chris Brown to raise your kid. Even crazy ass Nadya Suleman who is BROKE and mentally unstable thinks she can raise 14 kids alone. Rihanna, I'm pretty sure you can handle one baby with the 4 nannies that you can afford to hire. It'll be alright so suck it up.

Pineapple Express anyone?

Given these tough times, I don't blame anyone who needs to self-medicate. Me included.

I saw this picture from Vanity Fair that made me laugh out loud, and seriously made me feel a hundred times better. If y'all remember, this shot is a parody of the photograph with Kiera Knightly, Tom Ford, and Scarlett Johanssen which was quite provocative. HAHA. Brilliant, people.

And in an effort to be a better person and perhaps have better karma, I shall share the joy.

The original:

The new and improved:

Now this is the kind of genius that deserves a bonus!

WALLSTREET! YIKES!

Holy.Fricken.Cow! The effin Dow Jones industrial average has fallen below the 7000 level. I cannot believe this ... come on, economy!! We cannot handle any more bad news. For the love of all that is good in this world, please PUH-LEASE bounce back soon.

Birthday ... ugh.

What's new? I turned 31. Yeah, 31. Yep, 31 and still completely lost over my career, my love life, and pretty much everything else. I thought my quarter-life crisis happened when I graduated from law school and had a mini panic attack on whether I really wanted to spend the rest of my life practicing law. But, I realize now that my quarter-life crisis is now. And I don't think its going away anytime soon.

I quit my big firm law job at the end of 2007, without realizing that we would be shortly entering the greatest economic depression since the 1930s. And I can't get a job because I've been on a break for too long and the market is now overly saturated with lawyers anyway. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure I don't want to practice law anymore, but won't be hired in any other capacity because companies are risk adverse these days. I have the uncanny ability to find men with the worst commitment issues and decide that they are the loves of my life. All of my girlfriends are married, getting married, have children, or are already pregnant or trying to get pregnant. Which means that even if I wanted to go out to meet new people, there's not many people who want to go out. And, where do the thirties professional crowd hang anyway? So, where does this leave me? With a bottle of jack and pints of ice cream.

I don't know what I'm doing with myself ... and that's awfully scary in this environment. I will continue to cry in my beer and work on discovering the secret recipe to the delicious chicken that is KFC in the meantime.