Edward Cullen is an American Idol?

Randy Jackson and I are totally in sync. What does this mean? It means I should definitely be a judge on this show, cuz we all know that I have my fingers on the pulse of America.

So, American Idol just finished and the last kid on it, Adam Lambert (dude that was a singer in one of my most favorite musicals ever, Wicked), sang the Stones' Satisfaction. The entire time I was saying that he should be cast on Twilight the musical! And then Randy says he was a cross between Mick Jagger, Fall Out Boy, Edward Cullen (!), and My Chemical Romance. HAHA. Major props to me for my deep insight.

What of the others? Did they redeem themselves after the awful 3 beginning singers? Here are my observations:

Allison Irehata: she doesn't just sing ... .girl can saaaannng. Lawd. BUT, I just can't get behind her cuz she looks like she can also be a Bret Michaels Rock of Love chick. Come on! I know she's 16, but hear me out on this ... just picture her with the rest of the Rock of Love girls, drunk, screaming, and of course crying while she tries to rip the weave out of another drunk, screaming, and crying chick. Right?!?

The Corkscrew or Corkskey or whatever her name is girl with the fatty tattoo on her arm: I dig her voice cuz she's got a stank to her that I like, BUT what's up with the weird chicken-duck-tail-wagging move that she was doing during her performance? SO annoying and every time she did it, I wanted to push her. So, I liked you but I can't imagine an entire season watching you do that awful butt shaking move.

I didn't really care for the rest of the "singing" this week. What's up next? THE FINALE OF TOP CHEF! *sigh* I am totally in reality TV heaven right now.

Come On American Idols!

Uh, what the heck is going on American Idol right now?!? We're only three singers in and they all SUCK. Like, embarrassingly suck. Like, you've just brought disgrace to your family kind of suck. Like, time-to-cut-your-hair-and-change-your-appearance kind of suck.

Why am I still watching this show?

Well, there's still an hour and a half left, so I will try to be patient. Please let someone sing a good song or else I will never get these two hours back.

Dog In The Iron Mask

You know I can't go too long before I post another furry creature that I want to adopt. And this week's cutest.dog.ever:

Look at this face! Do you know what this ball of fur made me think of when I first saw the picture? Leonardo DiCaprio in Man In The Iron Mask. RIGHT?!? Remember the part in the movie where they lift the mask off the "good" twin for the first time, and Leo's hair is matted all over his face? THAT'S THIS DOG! I swear. Watch the movie again and you'll most definitely come to the same conclusion.

As always, head over to Perfect Pet Rescue if you can save the pup. And, this time the dog doesn't look like a Maynard to me. I feel like she's more of an Alfonso ... you know, soooo ugly that its kinda cute? That's an Alfonso!

KFC ... I'm Gonna Crack You Soon!

So, I don't have much going on in my life except rejection, stretchy pants, and my creativity. Yeah, you don't need to let me know how awesome I am.

My new totally-random-no-reason-except-I'm-bored-with-a-countertop-deep-fryer obsession? Figuring out KFC's closely guarded 11 secret spices and herbs. Yeah, who's awesome now!!??!!

While I haven't cracked KFC just yet, I think I'm pretty close to Popeye's. My current fried chicken recipe has a nice kick to it in that spicy Popeye-esque way so I'll need to turn down the notch on the heat. Its tasty, but its no KFC and KFC is my gold standard.

Alright, alright. I suppose this may mean I need to get out of the house soon, but this is one project I'm doing for America. And, Barack Obama told me last night that I can't quit on myself cuz then I'll be quitting on America. So there.

Fellas, Some Advice For You.

If your lady is ever having a really awful day, and you don't want to spend several hours talking to her because you can't remove yourself from your Playstation, Wii, or whatever other game console you may be obsessed with, I have a piece of advice for you.

Flowers. It doesn't always work, but it'll mitigate against further damage because she'll hate you a little less when you inevitably say the wrong thing. And, this may prevent her from tossing your video game machine out the window while you sleep.

If you live in la la land, there's an AMAZING floral place called House of Petals. Pricey, but the arrangements are to die for. I know this because I just received flowers from them, and I'm in love. Whitestar, you did good today.

Hells To The Yeah

Love. Love. And love some more that Obama is our president. He's pragmatic, but with the courage to think outside the box for bigger and bolder solutions. AND, I love that he's been working his butt off talking to the American people and working with Congress to try to actually help people like us, and not just them greedy bastards on wall street. He's on TV so often doing town halls, press conferences, and speeches that I almost forget that he's been our President for only four weeks. Remember the last guy we had? Yeah, I pretty much blocked him out of my memory too.

In case you missed it and need to have that love and feeling again, check the video here:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

My favorite line of the night? "CEOs won't be able to use taxpayer money to pad their paychecks or buy fancy drapes or disappear on a private jet. Those days are over." Hells to the yeah.

The Showdown Between Crazy 1 and Crazy 2

I am a glutton for punishment. I blame the depression, loneliness, and this wretched economy. Seriously, I don't want to look but I can't help myself!! This octuplets mess is just SO fricken addictive. But, maybe that's just me. I do watch Maury and can proudly (or with shame) say that I have attended a Jerry Springer show.

Anyway, you MUST go to www.radaronline.com to watch the video of Mom and Grandma to the octuplets. I can't tell if I'm being punk'd or if this is for real, because it is that insane. LOOK AT THEM! That old cliche of the pot calling the kettle black doesn't even come close to describing these two.

ENJOY the two-part series here: http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2009/02/octomom-erupts-video-showdown-with-her-mom-over-babies.php

A Whole Gang Of Kids

The baby daddy emerges in the craziness that is the octuplets and their cuckoo mama, Nadya Suleman. Well, maybe not the real baby daddy but someone who apparently wants to be involved in this hot mess.

This schmuck Dennis Beaudoin is claiming to be the father, even though Nutty Nadya has said publicly that Dennis is not the father. Come again? DENNIS!! What is wrong with you?!? Why, why, why do you want back in this lady's life and get yourself involved in this public example of why we might want to consider sterilization all over again.



Now, the circle of crazy is complete. Something must be in the water in that part of LA county ... remind me to drive faster through that part of town else I may inhale whatever's gone airborne.

Here's the article and link to the video on HuffPo: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/23/denis-beaudoin-possible-o_n_169182.html

Oscars ... Kinda Bleh, No?

The Oscars for me this year was kinda forgettable ... no great speeches that left me in tears and no beautiful dresses that made me want to sell a kidney for. So, in my world, that makes this year's Oscars just bleh.

Natch, I can't go without some fashion commentary. First, why does Jessica Biel bother me so? Is it because she somehow miraculously landed Justin Timberlake? Or is it because she just looks like a regular plain ole' chick to me ... I don't know what it is, but I just don't see A-List celebrity in her future. Anyway, her dress reminded me of Eva Mendes' from the Golden Globes but not in a good way ... and for that, Biel's stylist should be fired. Eva looked like a hot tamale, while Biel looked like she took a white sheet and tied it in two places. If you're gonna try to cop someone else's swagger, at least make sure you do it better! And Eva was rockin' that dress, so like I said, someone's stylist needs to find a new profession. Don't believe me? See for yourself:



(Picture of Eva Mendes from instyle.com; picture of Jessica Biel from E Online)

LOVE. LOVE. LOVE Angelina Jolie's emerald drop earrings. If I ever get hitched, those would be the earrings I would want to wear with my white gown. As for the dress, um ... remember Ursula from The Little Mermaid? 'Nuff said.

(Picture from justjared.buzznet.com)

My fashion icon Sarah Jessica Parker didn't wow me either, which hurts me deeply to say. Though, her boobs did look fantastic in that dress. And actually, I don't think the dress is that bad cuz she wears it really well ... I think my problem is that hair and makeup. It was not doing it for me at all and made her look old and played out. Am I right or am I right?

(Picture from http://www.styleonline.com/)

And, while I think Marisa Tomei is an awesome actress, she has been a fashion failure this entire awards season. She did do a little better at the Academy Awards wearing a gown that fit her well and was at least current, but that's not saying much compared to the pirate outfit or that awful yellow prom frock with the no-makeup-makeup face. So, for that, congrats Marisa Tomei for looking not as terrible as you usually do.

(Picture from http://www.styleonline.com/)

HATE. HATE. AND HATE EVEN MORE. Beyonce Knowles and her silly statue barbie pose. Please stop. You look weird and uncomfortable ... and that makes me uncomfortable to look at you. Not enjoyable for anyone so do us all a favor and relax.

(Picture from www.styleonline.com)

Finally, a surprise guest at the Academy Awards? Alicia Keys. I actually thought she looked really pretty while presenting with that kid Zac Efron. Her makeup was not overly done and I liked that she wore a bright color. Plus, she was oozing confidence like she knew she was looking fierce. My personal favorite of the night.

(Picture from www.styleonline.com)

Another honorable mention for me is Freida Pinto. Something about that one-armed lacey sleeve. I think this dress would look horrible on a lot of other people, but I think with her petite stature and complexion, she's able to make this dress look good. So, kudos to you Freida for making an almost ugly dress into red carpet worthy.

(Picture from www.justjared.buzznet.com)

Everyone else? Pretty dresses, but no real standouts. Like I said, just kinda bleh all around.

O+O: Octuplets and Oprah

Just a reminder to set your Tivo to catch Oprah next Tuesday for the appearance of Grandpa Suleman, father of crazy Nadya and grandfather to the infamous octuplets. Apparently, he's gonna confirm the obvious: Nadya most definitely needs to put her cuckoo back in the clock.

Can't wait to see whether Grandpa Suleman is also a wack job. I will cross my fingers that he may be the only sane one in this group. Cuz if Grandpa has issues, then the whole family is in trouble, which means we have 14 potential crazies joining America's population.

Hot Damn

Did you see this latest picture of Susan Lucci in a bikini? What is her beauty and exercise routine, cuz that lady's got a bangin' body for someone who is 62! YES! 6-fricken-2. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Please, to the dear gods above, let me look like her when I'm near retirement.

The Octuplets Daddy Emerges?!?

Holy.Cow. Can it be true?? I just read on HuffPo that the octuplets' alleged baby daddy is getting interviewed by Good Morning America!! I cannot wait to see who this schmuck is. The highlight of this interview thus far? He claims that he made a sperm donation at home and Nutty Nadya kept it between her boobies to keep it warm. Uh, say what?!? Awesome. And more awesome. This lady belongs in the looney bin and potential octuplets' daddy should've taken his sperm and flushed it down the toilet.

Check the article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/21/nadya-suleman-sperm-donor_n_168870.html

Set your Tivo! This is a must see event.

Octuplets Mom = New Kevin Bacon

Man oh man. I am officially two degrees separated from Nadya Suleman, infamous mother of octuplets.

I just found out that my former mentor at my old firm went to high school with Nutty Nadya!!! OMG! What the eff, right? And, not just a classmate, but actually good friends with the wack job!

I think this makes me official ... like, I totally have my fingers on the pulse of America. Dang, that is way street cred. Word.

No Effin Way ... I'm Speechless.

I don't know what to say ... this is so fricken crazy!! Can it be true??!!??

I was reading through TMZ and Perez Hilton, and both have posted pictures of the alleged assault on Rihanna by Chris Brown. Holy shizz. Seriously, Chris? What the hell is wrong with you??!!??

Lock him up! And, please please PUH-LEASE Rihanna, do not take that fool back. I know the rumors are already circulating that you've forgiven, but please don't let that be true. You are an international superstar!! If you get back with this douchebag, what does that mean for us hoi polloi??!!??

Rihanna, you are better than this. Keep ya head up and know that the world's got your back.

Baby Steps Towards Fiscal Responsibility

Um, so remember those two BEAUTIFUL dresses I bought when I shouldn't have bought them? So, I actually did return them because I was suffering from major buyer's remorse, not because I didn't love the dresses, but because I knew I shouldn't be spending money so unnecessarily when I'm unemployed.

So I did it. I returned the dresses, and if you know me at all, I don't do returns. Mostly cuz I'm uber-lazy and can't find the time to go back to the store for returns. So major props for me today.

Although, I have to confess that while I returned the dresses, I did buy another dress. Sorry, I can't help it ... I have issues. BUT, the new dress was on SALE! Yes, totally on sale so I saved well over a hundred dollars ... like practically free ... almost ... um, okay, fine, not really practically free. But pretty darn close. That's good, right??!!??

And, look how cute it is:

Remember, on sale. So totally worth it, right??? I mean, I don't want to toot my own horn, but TOOT! This dress makes me look smokin' hot. And, really, that's all we can ask for. It's on sale. It makes me look hot. And I feel like I can work a runway in it. So, isn't it worth it? I should definitely keep it. Or is it time to call Hollywood Nails?

You Down With GOP? Yah You Know Me! Who's Down With GOP? Every Last Homie!

Oh my gawd. I think God has heard my prayers for the demise of the Republican Party.

Michael Steele, the first black dude elected as the Republican Party's national chairperson, has publicly stated that his master plan to bring back power to the GOP is through hip hop. HAHAHA. Hold on, I have a side cramp from all the laughing.

Yes, the conservatives are taking it to the streets. I feel like there should be a battle ... like from Step it Up 2: The Streets. (And hells yeah, I watched it and I liked it.) Steele wants to revamp the GOP into more "urban-suburban-hip-hop." When asked whether this movement was cutting edge, dude replied "I don't do 'cutting edge.' That's what the Democrats are doing. We are going beyond cutting edge." HAHAHAHA. Oh my gawd, I think I pulled a muscle. HAHAHA.

THIS IS A MUST READ!! Check out the article at HuffPo: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/19/rnc-chair-steele-gop-need_n_168166.html

I am totally going to start quoting Steele for everything. I don't care what it is, but my first reply will always be "I don't do cutting edge." Brilliant, Steele. Just fricken brilliant.

I AM A SHOPAHOLIC.

There, I said it. Whew! Man, does that feel good.

So, despite being unemployed and with total disregard of this awful economy, I decide that the cure for my depression is shopping therapy. Bad news bears, my friends. Why did I think this was a good idea? Who knows what goes on in my cuckoo head.

Happy Blind Bat -- bless her heart -- tried in vain to prevent the damage, but I was not to be stopped. I fell in love with two dresses, and couldn't decide which one to purchase because they were both so beautiful. And because I'm totally irrational and Happy Blind Bat is a good friend, we decide that I need (yes, I said need, not want) BOTH dresses because my birthday is next week, so natch, I need a birthday dress ... and I have to suffer through another wedding again, so I need another dress for that wedding. BAM! Problem solved -- two dresses for two different occasions. Makes sense, right?

At this point, I'm having major shopping regret. Its like in the movies -- there's a little angel on one shoulder telling me that I don't need the dresses and I should return them, while a little devil rests on my other shoulder telling me that I totally rock the dresses and I deserve to look cute. WHAT TO DO??!!??!! Must call Hollywood Nails.

So, every time I spend too much money on clothes, I call Hollywood Nails cuz she's the BEST person to go to when you need justification for pretty much anything. She's that supportive. I describe my new found love for these dresses, she (of course) knows exactly what to say, and unprompted replies nonchalantly "you definitely need two dresses ... one for your birthday and one for the wedding." SEE, she gets it and she came up with that all on her own! I totally agree and we're pretty much giving each other high fives over the phone for our genius reasoning. Granted, Hollywood Nails is in the middle of a facial on Wednesday afternoon, so given that neither one of us is working but rather shopping and getting facials, I'm pretty sure we both needed to lie to ourselves.

It seemed apropos to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic after this, so off we went. The movie is super cute! Loved it ... but no surprise there. If you liked Sex and The City, its a PG rated version of that without sacrificing all the fashion eye candy.

I know you all are dying to hear what I ultimately decided. I know you think I kept it, but I'm full of surprises. In an effort to be more fiscally responsible, I'm gonna return the two dresses ... well, for now at least. Hey, baby steps! BUT, I am gonna keep this super cute shirt which was practically free in comparison. Kim Kardashian is wearing it here:

Cute, right?? And even cuter on me. :-)

Irony meet Hypocrisy

Our favorite Alaskan Caribou Barbie, AKA Governor Sarah Palin, is back in the news again cuz her daughter, Bristol, just did an interview with Greta Van Susteren of Fox News. Check it out here:



And, because Sarah Palin loves to be the center of attention, you know she had to make a special appearance. Brace yourselves:



I cannot stand Sarah Palin ... like even typing her name makes my blood boil. BUT, I kinda feel sorry for her daughter Bristol because well, she has to actually live and interact with Sarah Palin on a daily basis. And, I'm liking Bristol more cuz she didn't tell her moms about the interview until the day before. Still a typical teenager.

I find it highly entertaining that Grandma Palin all of a sudden has embraced this whole "life happens" even while she campaigned on abstinence in her 2006 gubernatorial campaign. AND, even more outrageous is the whole spin this interview has taken on. Like, pat on the back for having the baby and doing your job as a mom.

Give me a fricken break. I guarantee you that if the Obama girls were older and had gotten knocked up while in high school by their high school drop-out boyfriend, the media would have had a field day talking about the decline of family values.

Sarah Palin, please just go away. You've done enough damage to America.

Time For Another Woofer

I'm back in San Francisco for a few days and it is seriously Storm Watch 2009 up in here! Ugly meets uglier. And because I'm too lazy to go outside when its too cold and rainy, I ended up watching about three hours of Dogs 101 on Animal Planet. Yeah, I know, two shakes from stretchy pants and a bird but this isn't borne out of my depression ... its the weather. I'll admit that I'm deep in the stretchy pants phase and would rather stay home than go out these days, but I blame my friends. You'd stay home too if the conversation is always about (1) getting married; (2) having babies; and (3) losing weight because you're getting married or having a baby.

Anyway, I digress. I saw another cute furry creature on Perfect Pet Rescue that I'm dying over. His name is Finn, but you guessed it ... I think he looks more like a Maynard. :-)

Just because I'm bored ...

All this stimulus talk has me thinking random things, like what's the plural of stimulus? Stimuluses? Stimulai? Or just plain ole' stimulus?

Which brings me to my other random grammer issue of the day: what's the plural of Guinness? Yes, as in the beer Guinness. So, if I'm at a bar, do I ask for two Guinnesses? Or is it two Guinness? Or would it be like conjugating the word thesaurus, and I'd ask for two Guinneii?

Eh, I'll just ask for two pints of Guinness and that should solve my problem.

Stimulus! Stimulus! Stimulus!

Now that the Prez has officially signed into legislation the $787 billion stimulus plan, let's cross our fingers that the economy will start to turn around. *PLEASE!* Read the full story here:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090217/ap_on_go_pr_wh/obama_stimulus

Because its not in my nature to be too optimistic these days, as demonstrated in my bitter and often angry posts, I feel compelled to share with everyone what I learned this weekend on McLaughlin Group. Yes, I know, I am still one of the few remaining people who actually watch this awful show, but I can't help it. Remember, I like the screaming crazies. Anyway, Mort Zuckerman, Editor-in-Chief of U.S. News & World Report, was on this weekend and he claims that we'll be needing another stimulus plan before the year's end that is on par with this current stimulus plan. This means we have another $800 billion plan by Christmas that we'll need to really pull us out of this depression. Awesome.

Someone Needs Maury!!

Have you heard about this kid with the kid? SO WILD. Read it here, if you think you can stand it: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1145845/I-DNA-test-says-Alfie-teenagers-claim-father.html

So it was already big news that this baby daddy looked literally like a baby, but now we're talking about DNA tests cuz there might be other baby daddies??

Seriously, who is the father??!!?? Sounds like this is a job for my main man, Maury Povich. Fifteen year old British gal Chantelle Steadman just had a baby and the world is anxiously waiting to see if the baby daddy is the 13, 14, or 16 year old? Results please ... and the dramatic "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" Love that shizz.

Crazy Spawns Crazy.

Sorry, I can't help it. This octuplets story just keeps getting juicier and juicier and I just can't stop watching the madness. I'm an addict for the crazies.

So, Grandma did another interview with the Early Show on CBS where she talks about her crazy daughter getting implanted with hella fertilized eggs. Seriously, look at this woman's face. Grandma is TOTALLY a wack job too. I mean, watch the video! Crazy eyes. Check. Uncomfortable smiling. Check. Disillusioned. Check. Weird manic laughter. Check.



I've got five on it that there's another child somewhere that's locked in the basement.

For reals, Chris Brown?

Yeah, I know its been over a week since the Chris-Brown-Rihanna saga started, but I am really still in disbelief over all of this.

And, Chris Brown has the worst PR staff in the business. When you beat up your girlfriend, this is not an "unfortunate" situtation. And, stop talking about God making you a better person, cuz neither the public nor God wants to hear that you're gonna emerge from this stronger. Uh, you're not the victim here mister. And finally, the its-not-as-bad-as-it-seems crap NEVER works because punching her only once in the face doesn't make it any better.

The latest gossip-psuedo-journalism site that is definitely my number one site to visit for all the crazy gossip in R&B and hip-hop, Media Takeout, is "reporting" that the fight was about HERPES! YES, HERPES! Allegedly, Rihanna got the shizz from Jay Z and she passed it on to Chris Brown, which is why Chris Brown felt the need to give her an ass whooping. Read here for ya self: http://www.mediatakeout.com/2009/30673-top_florida_paper_prints_jay_z-_rihanna_-_chris_brown_herpes_rumor.html

WOW. Yowzers, right?? I don't know if we'll get the real scoop anytime soon, but the saddest part of all of this is that Chris Brown will probably be back making music in a couple of months. Uh, hello, Hollywood doesn't have morals cuz money will buy you out of anything. Woody Allen boned his wife's adopted daughter and people still watch his movies. That Polanski guy has been on the run for years in France because he's a certified child molester, and people still adore his work. And the perfect example that you can always recover from scandal? R. fricken Kelly! That guy was making music while he was still on trial!!!

America, grow a pair and stop supporting these losers.

Feeling Blue Today

I must have "STUPID" etched into my forehead because there is no other rational reason for why Blackstar treats me like I'm a moron.

As the awful love holiday descended upon us, and after back to back bridal and baby showers this last weekend, coupled with a birthday that was creeping up, it was the perfect storm for a major freakout. And I freaked out.

Blackstar, naturally, opted for the avoid-and-pretend route. He claimed last week that he had to "work" through the long Valentine's Day weekend, which we both knew was code word for he was going to spend that weekend with another lady. I told him I wasn't having it, he doesn't call all week (ergo confirming I was right), doesn't send me flowers for the first time in 7 years (further confirmation that there's another girl in the picture), and then on Sunday (AFTER V-day, of course), calls me to leave this pitiful message, like nothing had happened: "Baby, your last text seemed kind of angry so I decided to give you some time. I hope your Valentine's Day went well and you're well."

Uh, WTF, right??!!?? Are you with me on this?? I'm sure this phone call was because the afore-mentioned lady friend who he spent Valentine's Day with had left for the weekend. Right, like he really wanted to give me "time" for things to blow over. Seriously, does it say stupid on my forehead?

I Don't Know Why You Would Want To Get Married ...

Look, if you want to ruin your life by getting married, go right ahead. I don't care if you're gay or straight because the sanctity of marriage is WAY overrated ... particularly when half of y'all get divorced anyway. Here's my bottom line: if you wanna get married, that's your choice. If you wanna get divorced, then go right ahead ... that's your choice too. If you are two grown folks who love each other and think marriage is somehow a validation of that love, shizz ... go for it.

That said, the evil doers are trying to nullify the 18,000 same-sex marriages that went down between May and November ... you know, when the dumb f*ckers living in California passed Prop H8TE. These same dumb f*ckers are going out of their way to be even bigger assholes. Noooo, its not good enough that same-sex couples can't get married anymore, these assholes want to go back and overturn all the marriages that already happened. Awful. Awful. Awful.

The Supreme Court is gonna hear the case in a couple of weeks on March 5, 2009, so if you felt like a dick cuz you didn't do anything to stop the madness during the election, now's your chance to make up for it.

Watch the video. Don't be a gaycist. And then sign the petition at http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/s/divorce. Seriously, if the LGBT community want to be miserable in marriage too, I say let them!


"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Don't Look If You're Eating.

I saw this on TMZ and found it highly disturbing. Is it wrong that I think pregnancies like these are gross? Which, natch, will mean that should I ever spawn, I will look like this ... and probably worse. And, I probably will be carrying only one demon child, not eight.

Ew. Cover that shizz up, please.

Hate Valentine's Day As Much As I Do?

Something obnoxious about public displays of affection that makes me hate Valentine's Day. What's the point? The dumb holiday just makes you feel angry and bitter if you're alone, and if you're in a relationship, you feel obligated to do something romantic cuz if you forget, your inconsiderate ass has just ruined everything. So, again I ask: what's the point?

I know, I know ... I'm jealous blah blah blah. Bite me.

Here's a funny e-card for all the haters.

A Very Special F*#king Valentine -- powered by Cracked.com

Why Do These People Still Have Jobs??

Shouldn't folks in the financial sector know how to ... let me see ... deal with finances? Know how to make money and not lose money?

(AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta from Huffingtonpost.com)

Let me break this down. If you give me $100 and my job is to invest that to double your money, and I don't actually do that but instead lose your $100. AND, on top of that, I don't just lose that initial $100 but also spend an additional $1000 on your behalf, without telling you of course, lose that $1000 in the market, and then come back to you and say "hey, you owe me a $1000 and a bonus." Um, I'm sorry ... you know what you would say to me? YOU'RE FIRED.

Morgan Stanley and Citigroup's Smith Barney rewarded their executives with "retention awards" ... not to be confused with "bonuses." Yeah, because apparently these assholes believe Americans are really that dumb. Yep, same fools that received $60 billion in bailout money. So, basically, these dumbasses suck at their job and we're paying them to continue to suck. Why do we want to retain the losers who caused the economy to crash??? Why are we awarding them?? I feel like I'm going crazy cuz I just don't get it. To get your blood boiling, read the article on HuffPo here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/11/bailout-recipients-giving_n_165624.html

I also spent part of the morning watching the idiot bankers try to defend what they've been doing since receiving TARP money a few months ago. The magic word here is "try" because there's nothing they can say to justify what happened. These same fools also rewarded themselves with bonuses. When did bonuses become an entitlement? I thought we give bonuses as a nice-job-pat-on-the-back. Now, its nice-job-you-suck-so-here's-a-couple-million-bucks?? Here's the HuffPo article on this crap: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/11/wall-street-bankers-to-te_n_165914.html

I am SO in the wrong business. Why'd I go to law school? Kids, if you're deciding on a profession, I suggest you get a business degree and head to wall street.

Nadya, not you again!!

Alright, wack job mother of eight, Nadya Suleman just can't catch a break. And, I kinda don't think she wants to. Nutty Nadya (or her awful PR people) has set up a website for donations, cuz obviously an unemployed single young mother of 14 children, all under 8 years old, without a trust fund or inheritance can't do this alone.

And since its not enough that the taxpayers are providing food stamps and paying her medical bills via Medical, she's now gone directly to the people for a bail out. Well, at least we know she's an American cuz asking for a bail out is sooooo the new trend. Check out the full article on her at Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/11/octuplet-mom-nadya-sulema_n_166030.html

I'm pretty sure that if I default on my student loans, stop paying my credit cards, and fail to pay my monthly rent because I CHOSE TO AND OF MY OWN FREE WILL, my ass will be out on the street and NO ONE would be willing to donate to me to bail me out.

Ode To Obama

Dear Mr. President,
You are the biggity bomb
Your PR blitz means
we can finally get our stimulus on.

Alright, alright ... I never said I was a poet. On the reals, I'm glad Obama has been everywhere trying to get this economic stimulus plan passed. At least I know he's been actually thinking and working. Sounds like the Senate and House have worked out their differences and a bill will be on Obama's desk shortly. Isn't it great to have a functional government with an intelligent President who speaks to us like we're adults??

WOW! Playboy's got good photographers.

I was on Perez Hilton this morning and he's posted a picture of Ms. Aubrey O'Day on the upcoming cover of Playboy. Holy cow, she looks good.

Whitestar has a subscription to Playboy, and I get more excited to receive the magazine than he does! And I don't pretend to read the articles ... I am mainly interested in looking at the pictures. It definitely serves as good motivation to hit the gym.

Major props to the photographers over at the mag, cuz Aubrey is skank-o-licious and if they made her look that AMAZING, we all have hope.

Can You Stand The Cuteness?

Look at the face on this furry creature!!

Oh my goodness, the dog is so fricken adorable ... I can't stand it! His name is Simon, but he looks like a Maynard to me (though, all mangy and scrappy dogs are Maynard to me). If you live in LA and want to rescue, you can find him (and lots of other ridiculously cute dogs) through Perfect Pet Rescue at http://www.perfectpetrescue.com/.

I Can Do Math All Night Long.

My Portland jack-of-all-trades homey has come out with a new rap video. Um, I use "rap" loosely here.

If you laughed at all during the SNL digital "Lazy Sunday" with Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell, you will LOVE Calculator Watch.



Funny, eh?

Wooing & Winner together again.

Welcome back, Wooing! After a two year stint in Shanghai, Wooing is officially back in Los Angeles! Yay for me, since I no longer have to suffer through bridal and baby showers alone.

Since we've been on the topic of the baby boom, can I just say that I'm being haunted by them? Really! We were on our way to lunch at Pizzeria Mozza, and while I was stopped at a stop sign, this pregnant lady crosses the street while pushing a baby stroller, stops in the middle of the street, makes a point to RUB HER PREGNANT BELLY so that we can see that she's obviously preggers, and then slllloooooowwwly dilly dallies her ass across the street.

I turned to Wooing and she was already gagging from laughter. I didn't have to say anything because she immediately said "yes, I saw that. And yes, she really did stop and rub her belly in front of us." Before I had an opportunity to make a sarcastic remark, we got distracted by a booty-shorts-wearing-tight-tank-top man running down the street. Nothing I want to see more than a grown man in little daisy dukes. So hot.

Whatever you do, don't be in the Highland and Melrose vicinity around lunchtime. The weirdos are out in full force.

We finally make it to the restaurant, and by this time, I'm in need of some alcohol. Hey, it is already after noon so totally acceptable. Anyway, so I ask the nice (and very young) waiter for a glass of wine, upon which he returns with an empty glass and asks for my ID. He takes a look at my driver's license and goes "OOOHHH." Like, not a nice "OOOHHH, wow you're hot for your age" but more like a "OOOHHH, wow you're old." *sigh* Lawd, help me.

Of course, not to be outdone by the belly-rubbing-pregnant lady or the wow-you're-old-waiter, Wooing announces that she had plans for me to accompany her to Vegas on a PRIVATE JET this weekend with the Husband (or WDP as he likes to be called) and some millionaire, but before I could get too excited, she tells me plans fell through and so no millionaire, no Vegas, and no private jet.

What does this mean for me? It means Valentine's Day weekend will be spent alone with a bottle of Jack and a pint of coffee ice cream.

Art And Music Night In Los Angeles

After having survived back-to-back days of baby shower and bridal shower this weekend and having dodged several questions of "when are you getting married and/or spawning?", I decided it was time for an evening with single, young, and free adults. Or, I guess, we could be also characterized as immature, slutty, and unemployed. Whatever ... same-same, but different.

I met up with a girlfriend to check out the Vanity Fair exhibit at LACMA, which featured the magazine's greatest photographs and covers.

(photo from http://www.lacma.org/art/ExhibVF.aspx)

It was really cool to see how in their first period (1920s-40s), the featured celebrities were a lot of artists, writers, and dancers sprinkled in with Hollywood elites. Hemingway, Frida Kahlo, Diego Rivera alongside with Jean Harlow. Plus, it was really fun to see some of Vanity Fair's more current covers. I noticed the trend of nakedness became the thing, but nothing wrong with a little ass crack here and there. Afterwards, I felt like a moron for recycling all my old magazines because I should've kept them, put them in some cheapie frames, and put them up in a bedroom wall ... nice way to make a boring room kinda artsy and cool.

We then went around the corner to Molly Malone's to meet up with an old buddy of mine and to check out his band Blind Pilot, who just performed on Carson Daly (airing this Wednesday!). I would call it indie pop/rock-ish ... something like if John Mayer and Oasis had a music baby. We kept laughing through the show cuz someone in the crowd screamed out "you guys are really good!" I don't know why I thought that was so funny ... it just seemed kind of out of place for me. Blind Pilot's gonna do big things so jump on the bandwagon now.



The night was going so well until I could no longer avoid the inevitable questions regarding committed relationships and future babies. *sigh* What happened to the sanctity of the bar and booze?!? Soon enough, I was surrounded by three guys who were showing me pictures of their children, wives, girlfriends, and dogs from their respective iPhones. Worse, I had to endure the lectures on "not all guys are douches" and "you're just being picky" ... which apparently means I am choosing to be lonely and insecure while surrounded by happy people with their dogs and beautiful children. Right. Someone kill me now. Seriously, bullet to the head. I had to down a couple more Jack & Diets to get me through that, and then (un)happily returned back alone to my place.

At least I got a good night's sleep, so I got that going for me.

Young & Hip Meets Need A Hip Replacement: The Grammys

That pretty much sums up my Grammy review. Lots of weird artist collaborations on stage, which I rather enjoyed, but that doesn't take away from the weirdness. Stevie Wonder and Jonas Brothers?? Al Green, Justin Timberlake, and Boyz II Men??

I've gotta say though, over all, the show was much better than previous years so maybe the Stevie-Jo-Bro mix was genius. Or it could be that 2008 was a good year for music and the Grammys finally did what it was supposed to do: showcase good music.

Who am I loving right now? M.I.A.

(Photo from www.mtv.com)

M.I.A. and the Rap Pack (Jay Z, T.I., Lil' Wayne, and Kanye) killed it at the Grammys. Killed it!! But the highlight was easily M.I.A. Who performs at the Grammys on the day her baby is due, while rocking a see-through mesh outfit and dropping it like its hot?!? Yeah, killed it. I love the song. I love that she had no fear. I love that she performed the song like she wasn't gonna have a baby on stage. LOVE HER!



Coldplay also comes pretty damn close for giving the top performance of the night. I like that Jay Z came on stage for a quick cameo, dropped a rhyme, and was ghost like Swayze. Plus, I just like seeing Chris Martin. And on a side note, does Gwyneth Paltrow seem to be more annoying these days?



Who needs to stop making music and just go away? T-Pain. I can't stand his ugly ass top hat and the robot voice in EVERY song that is on the radio these days. EVEN STEVIE WONDER DID THE ROBOT VOICE AT THE TOP OF THE JONAS BROTHERS SONG!! Ick. Stevie, please stop or else I'll slowly lose respect for you, and that's just like learning Santa isn't real all over again.

(photo from www.t-pain.net)

So, in the Obama spirit of hope and change, I will hope that music will change and lose this fascination with T-Pain robot voice songs. I don't need to know that you're in love with a stripper or bartender, or that if you have one more drink, you're gonna $!*#(S said stripper or bartender. Go away.

Who needs a haircut? Kanye. Please. Mullets are never coming back, no matter how much you try to rock it, so please save yourself the embarassment and try something else. Don't you rep LV these days?? How can Louis let you out looking like that?

Finally, because it is too early in the morning to already be angry about something, let's talk about some Grammy sweethearts. My favorite? ADELE.

(Dave Hogan/Getty Images from www.tvguide.com)

She just seems so likeable and humble, and she's a true artist. Singer and songwriter extraordinare whose voice is absolutely mesmerizing and vulnerable. Chasing Pavement was easily one of my favorite songs this past year.

Finally, a big thumbs down to Radiohead because they used the USC Trojan Marching Band. GO BRUINS!

A-Rod is a D-bag.

Here we go again. Another athlete admitting that his awesome skills were not born of natural talent, but rather induced by sticking a needle in one's ass. Sweet. Thanks for another lesson in ethics.

*Sigh* Can we not believe in anyone these days??

I say we forget about all this disappointment and just let everyone juice up. That way, we can continue to be highly entertained watching grown men play with a ball and stick, without the disappointment when we inevitably find out that they were cheating. Seriously, imagine that ... we'd have a field full of Wolverines and Jean Greys playing ball!! I'm just throwing that out there for Major League Baseball to consider.

Feel free to email A-Rod on his website to remind him that he's an A-Hole: http://arod.mlb.com/players/rodriguez_alex/index.jsp

Are you kidding me, Chris Brown?

As it is Mad Monday Drama, turns out that R&B superstar Chris Brown did not want to feel left out and felt the need to one up the octuplets scoop. So he beat on Rihanna. I guess that's one way to become the talk of the town.

(picture from Celebrity Vibe and TMZ.com)

Word on the blogosphere from TMZ to Media Takeout to Perez Hilton are all reporting that the woman who called cops in the wee hours of Sunday morning (and whose name LAPD did not disclose) claiming that Brown assaulted her was none other than Rihanna!! Holy.Cow.WTF?!? So both were no-shows at the Grammys, Brown turns himself into the cops, gets released on bail, and everyone has now gone into their respective bomb shelters ... who knows when they'll re-emerge. What does this mean for us? Lots of speculation, innuendos, and rumors.

Chris, Chris, Chris. Really??? Why oh why? You have money, you have fame, and you have a hot girlfriend. I always wanna choke someone, but dang ... show some restraint cuz you'll lose it all in a hot second of rage.

I already had to forgive Clinton for Monica, Kobe for his Colorado bimbo, and T.I. for arming himself with AK-47s allegedly to protect himself. I can't take another idiot.

Mad Monday Drama!

It's Monday, right? Lawdy-lawdy, there sure is a lot to discuss today!

First, back to the baby-making machine, Nadya Suleman. NBC aired the rest of the wack job's interview with Ann Curry, which I've posted so you can really see the crazy.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

AND THE BABIES. Poor things. Can you imagine having nutty Nadya as your moms? Seriously, she's got the "if you look at me wrong, I'll cut you" eyes. Scary. And weird.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

OH, BUT THAT'S NOT THE END OF IT!! Grandma put her daughter on blast, for reals. Not to be outdone by the Today show, Good Morning America scored this exclusive interview with Grandma.



Is it just me or does Grandma seem like she's missing a screw too?

Maury, you better get on this stat. Nothing would make me happier than to have a special EIGHT part series (get it? EIGHT ... alright, lame joke alert) on his award winning series "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" focusing on the Suleman saga.

Home sweet home!

Yay! Back in the city of angels, and back to my own bed. My glorious 1200 thread count sheets with no nasty man sweat. Where I don't have to be paranoid about which pillow is what, because in my own bed, I know that I can freely put my head on any pillow I want without worrying about getting pimples.

Yeah, totally not ready to move in with a man. OR move in with a man, but be prepared to do a lot of laundry with lots of sets of sheets so I can change them daily. Eh, neither sound that great right at this moment.

So, today was the first shower of the weekend. As you know, lucky me gets to attend a baby shower today and a bridal shower tomorrow. Woo-hoo! A reminder that my eggs are dying and that I'm two shakes from being a spinster ... I can't think of a better way to spend my time. I kid, I kid!

Our knocked up friend, Mama Philly Pinot, has to be the most adorable pregnant lady around. Like so adorable that you want to hate her but you can't cuz ... you guessed it ... she's adorable. Her husband, McDreamy, is almost as bad ... I mean, equally adorable. When asked if Mama Philly Pinot was turning into a nightmare from the parasite growing within, McDreamy was all "Nooooo, she's been great ... no problems at all." And when I asked Mama Philly Pinot whether she's had crazy cravings, she replied with "not really, just McFlurries." Mc-fricken-flurries! I was hoping for something like kimchi with shrimp paste over rocky road ice cream ... but, nah, she came at me with McFlurries. See? Adorable. Ick.

Anyway, it is Grammy weekend here in la la land which means the skanky-wanky-hos are out in full force searching for their next baby daddy. Is it wrong that I'm a little glad that it has been raining on and off all day? Nothing makes me feel better than seeing a half-naked club chick try to look cute walking in stilettos in the rain while trying to protect her hair.

Stimulate the economy already!

Alright, I've tried really really REALLY hard to avoid a post on my rantings of the latest and greatest stimulus plan, but since the Senate appears to have FINALLY agreed on some kind of package, I thought we were on our way to righteous recovery and I could move on to a celebratory toast to an actual functioning Congress.

So wrong. So very wrong. Very very wrong. Did I mention how wrong I was?

According to my main man, the economic guru and Nobel Prize Winner Paul Krugman, we're not spending enough! You read correctly: we're not spending enough! The whole point of a stimulus plan is to infuse the market with money (i.e., spending) so that products are bought, people keep their jobs making more products, and use their well-earned salaries on buying other products, which keep other people employed making other said products, who in turn use their salaries to buy other other products, and yada yada yada ... and BOOM goes the dynamite. Market eventually stabilizes and we're all happy again in the land of Oz.

But when the dude that wins the Nobel Prize in economics says that our so-called leaders in the Senate cut the very portions of the stimulus we actually do need to save our bankrupt states, we are in bad shape friends. How do I know this? Because Krugman says in the New York Times that "THIS IS REALLY, REALLY BAD." No hidden message here.

Here's Krugman's post in its entirety, in case you want to read the dismal news with your own peepers: http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/07/what-the-centrists-have-wrought/

So what if he's gay?!?

Look, I just don't know what the big deal is. So what if Jonathan Knight is gay? He's still part of the best boy band that there ever was. I mean, really? Jon-Jon's gayness doesn't make the music any less catchy, so let's just move on, no?

But, the blogosphere is on fire with recent news of scumbag Jon-Jon's ex-boyfriend who sold the lovey dovey pictures to the tabloids, and has given an interview to the OG of tabloids, the National Enquirer.

(picture from http://www.dailystab.com/nkotb-jonathan-knight-gay/)

The real lesson here? Quit the PDA, don't take pictures of yourselves all in love with some douchebag (male or female), and definitely don't make any sex tapes. Cuz you might be famous one day, or in this case, make a come back, and then where will you be?

Feastin' at Farmer Brown

After a few days of doing absolutely nothing, I ventured out last night to meet the girls for dinner at Farmer Brown in San Francisco. Unlike Vegas two weeks ago, people weren't afraid to grub and practically everyone ordered the fried chicken. Delicious, as usual.

A couple of things I learned from my married/pregnant/disgustingly-in-love/living-in-Australian-paradise friends (and, remind me to not hang out with them when I'm feeling particularly bitter):

1. Being preggers is a lot like how I feel while unemployed and depressed: tired and fat. At least I can still get drunk so I got that going for me, which is nice.

2. Whitestar and Blackstar are both cynical and slightly dick-ish. And while I complain about them all the time, I will easily choose this over Ms. Ozzie Ozzie Oy Oy's over-the-top-blindly-optimistic-quote-citing-machine-do-gooder-of-a-boyfriend who wears sunglasses at night. Sorry, its true. I guess this must mean I am also a dick. Oh well, did I mention I can still get drunk?

3. Sephora-tastic's stories of her alleged "fight" with Ice Man are crap. If there is no door slamming, cursing, or where you have seriously considered choking him in his sleep, then you have not been in a fight. Plus, the fact that we have to discuss whether your misunderstanding constitutes a fight, means that it is not a fight. Stay in your happy world, Sephora-tastic! No need to create or assume drama where none exists. And, please, come correct the next time you want to describe a "fight" to garner sympathy.

All in all, a fun filled night of laughter with the girlies.

I'm heading back to LA and back to my life at the crack of dawn. Ick ... morning flights are all bad, but better than flying out on Friday nights. Guess what I have to look forward to this weekend? Baby shower, followed by a bridal shower, and capped off with Grammy traffic and video hos. Woo-hoo! (read: sarcasm).

TIME TO PUT THE CUCKOO BACK IN THE CLOCK

Uh, anyone see the Today show interview with Ann Curry and Nadya Suleman, i.e., the crazy woman who doesn't think she's crazy? Well, here it is for your viewing and judgmental pleasure:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I'm sorry but homegirl says that she will not accept welfare and that she's gonna somehow live on love. Hm, love don't pay the rent lady. OH WAIT, YOU DON'T PAY RENT BECAUSE YOU LIVE AT HOME WITH YOUR PARENTS! And, right, you don't pay bills and since you don't have a job, you had to file for bankruptcy. I get it ... "love" somehow makes being utterly useless acceptable these days?

And, I don't know about you, but crazy Suleman claims that she had helluv kids because she came from a dysfunctional family. I'm assuming she's talking about her own mom and pops, and if that's true, then why is grandma and grandpa (aka the reason for her dysfunctional family) now taking care of all the kids?

Oh, and I forgot the best part. She's gonna go back to school ... um, okay ... stay with me on this. She has 14 kids under 8, does not have a job, refuses on "principle" to accept welfare (because that's beneath her apparently), and now wants to be a student? Because being a student is lucrative? Either this lady is an evil genius, or she is seriously mental.

I know, I know. It is an early morning rant, but seriously!! Crazy Suleman better use her worthless PR people to get her some endorsements or tabloid money, cuz there's no way in hell she can pull the "love" card at the market.

My two favorite topics: Obama and dogs!

US Weekly has some excerpts from Obama's interview with Anderson Cooper about the incoming First Dog for the First Family's cutie patooties, also known as Malia and Sasha. Looks like a puppy will be peeing and pooping in the Oval Office come spring! http://www.usmagazine.com/news/barack-obama-first-dog-coming-in-the-spring

I love love love dogs, and one of my favorite sites to look for dogs to adopt are Perfect Pet Rescue in Los Angeles at http://www.perfectpetrescue.com/. I also occasionally search through the Pasadena Humane Society's website too for doggies at http://www.phsspca.org/view_pets.htm. Because I firmly believe I was a gypsy in my former life, and because I am never in one place for more than a 2 week period, I'm not responsible enough to have a furry creature to myself. I will have to continue my love affair with these animals from afar. *sigh*

Here is my favorite dog, who is currently available for adoption through Perfect Pet Rescue. She's a lady, but I'd really want to name her Maynard ... gawd, she's so fricken cute.

Mr. President, don't you think your girlies would adore this furball?

Huh?

So, y'all know how much I love Kim Kardashian (I'm a big sucker for big hair and that smoke-eye-whore look), but homegirl had a kinda cuckoo moment that has been disturbing me ... mostly because I really like her and this post made me feel ick.

Anyway, most people take to their blogs to refute negative rumors, like "you're fat" or preggers or so-and-so broke up. That kinda stuff. She takes to her blogs to inform people that she is, in fact, still wearing fur. Which is weird to me cuz the rumor was that she quit wearing fur ... which is a positive, right?? Don't we want to encourage an image (even a fake one) that you don't kill cute furry animals? I just thought it was such a weird twisted PR move. Or, is it just me? Well, read for yourself here: http://kimkardashian.celebuzz.com/2009/01/rumor-control-i-have-not-given.php

I know, slow news day plus boredom equals more random thoughts. Maybe I will sit around and pontificate on the correct plural usage of Mentos (yes, the candy).

Random thought of the day ...

Ever try conjugating the verb "shrink"?

Yesterday I kept walking around saying over and over again: shrink, shrank, shrunk ... shrink, shrank, shrunk ...

And then I thought to myself, "is that even right?" So I started to do full sentences, like, "if you wash it in hot water, it will shrink" and "hot water shrank my shirt" and "the shirt shrunk" ... anyway, it sounds funny, no?

I know, total waste of time. But seriously, doesn't "shrunk" or "shrank" sound funny to you? Well, say it a few times and you'll also start to feel like your vocabulary is all messed up.

Et tu Daschle?

Another one bites the dust in Obamaville today. Actually, another two bite (or is it bit?) the dust but we only really care about the former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle. The other lady who got ding'd cuz of her tax problems (she was slated as the Chief Performance Officer or something like that) really lucked out, cuz now she can return to obscurity.

(AP Photo)

Why oh why did you not pay your taxes, Mr. Daschle?!? And seriously, Obama transition-vetting-team? How did you guys not find this out?? This leads me to the conclusion that the transition team is not composed of lawyers because the first rule I learned when I began practicing law was this: find out all the dirty facts from your client and figure out how to spin it ... and if you can't, then let's talk settlement.


Obama, you need me and I'm in love with you, so this will be a perfect partnership. Call me.

My computer has an STD

*Sigh* You read it correctly, yes, an STD.

How you ask? Well, since I am in a career crisis and the current state of our economy is not so conducive to starting anew, I had to figure out some creative ways to avoid eviction. I saw this too-good-to-be-true Craigslist posting looking for writers/bloggers/reviewers for "adult dating sites," which I initially -- and naively -- thought were sites like eharmony or match.com. Haha. Stupid, right?

Anyway, turns out they wanted me to review porn sites ... you know, "find a sex partner in your city today!" type of sites. I popped into one of them to check it out, figuring I'd just write a review and see what happens. I like porn and I like to write ... and I don't mind finding a new sex partner, so why not check it out? All made a lot of sense in my head at the time.

BIG MISTAKE. My computer is now under attack from various viruses ... yikes. Not to worry, lucky for me, I got to take home the laptop I used during the Obama campaign whilst in Ohio (courtesy of the campaign) that has a clean bill of health.

New lesson for the week: you need to practice safe sex even in the internet world.

I want to have Kobe's baby

I know there are a lot of Kobe haters out there, and while it is not like me to talk about sports (thus, the reason for the absence of any discussion re the Superbowl), Kobe is a whole different matter. Cuz, well, its Kobe ... and he's a hottie. And hotties are my specialty.

So, stop drinking the haterade. I don't care what anyone says ... that whole anal-sex-with-the-Colorado-white-girl was NOT rape. Any visit to an athlete's room after 2 a.m. and then going to a party bragging about said visit post sexual encounter, and then engaging in another alleged sexual tryst, means that one was probably not raped. But, I digress ... that was many settlements ago and I've let that ugly history go.

Back to the point of this post. I read on HuffPo that dude just set a record with 61 points scored in a game! Holy shizz.

Did I mention he's a hottie?

(AP Photo/Kathy Willens)

Do we really care that Phelps took a hit?

The blogosphere, courtesy of News of the World and Pink Is The New Blog, has been blazing with news reports of Olympian hottie Michael Phelps smoking out at some party. Ugh, do we care?

I was going to let this go, but there's been talks of suspension plus endorsement deals gone sour. Now, if dude was taking steroids or some drug that made him swim faster than any other human being on earth, then yeah, sure, let's shatt on him some more. BUT DUDE WAS SMOKING SOME HERB. I highly doubt Ms. Mary Jane does anything to shave off seconds of his world record time.

Man is part fish, so if he wants to smoke, let him.

Drinking is all bad.

So, I am back in San Francisco this weekend, which OF COURSE means a trip to the farmer's market at the Embarcadero on Saturday morning for the oh-so-delicious porchetta sandwich. I think if I could be in love with a food item, it would be this sandwich.

BUT, a night out on the town with some former co-workers rendered me abso-fricken-lutely useless come Saturday. And not just Saturday morning ... ALL DAY Saturday. I couldn't even move. I couldn't even eat! I couldn't even make it out to see my delicious porchetta. I'm sorry dear porchetta.

Even worse than missing out on porchetta while I'm here in San Francisco? I couldn't even enjoy the incredible ass spanking that UCLA Men's B-ball delivered to Stanford on Saturday! I usually like to do a really obnoxious Balki-esque dance of joy around the house with lots of random "suck its!" in front of Whitestar's face, but couldn't even manage one pitiful taunt.

Lesson for the day? Beer before liquor, never been sicker.